Ask Linny!!!

Linny, why is it that while my little brother has brown moss growing out of his head, pink skin, and a pair of flabby little arms and legs, I have white fur, claws at the end of my paws and leather wings growing out of my back? I've asked my parents if he's adopted but they said he's not. Should I believe them? -Fluffy
Dear Fluffy,
I think that the answer to your most interesting query is that someone in the family is in posession of that sneaky recessive cranial brown moss/pink dermis/flabby extremities gene. It would be helpful to know if one or both of your parents also have white fur and leather wings or if either of them have any mossy growths. Then again, this may be more a question of adaptation than adoption. Don't worry, be furry.
Cheers,
Linny

Linny, why is it that whenever telemarketers call, and I start singing happy birthday to them, they hang up on me?
~From Ralph, The Just Slightly Retarted School Boy
Dear Ralph,
I'm typing slowly so that you can follow me. Telemarketers are grown in test tubes somewhere in the mid-west and don't have birthdays. Consequently, they become severely depressed when they hear the birthday song as it reminds them of their not-quite-human status. Next time try singing the National Anthem. It's just as effective and not as cruel.

What if I were to stuff watermelons up both my nostrils and then eat a cow whole? I was offered one million Yen for such a task which is approximately 10,000 dollars if you don't know Japanese currency.
-Joshu The Half-Elf who recently retired from being king
First off, Joshu, I would like to offer my sincere congratulations on your regal retirement. I'm sure that the affairs of state weighed heavily on your head. Now, to get to your most singular question:
The thought of consuming an entire bovine entity while retaining two large, green melons in the nasal passages causes me to gasp for air and reach for the distress bag. I'm not even sure that it's physically possible! Ever try to eat anything while holding your nose? There are easier things to master. Your ears pop every time you swallow and even if you make it to the hundredth mouthful, your head will implode, crushing the watermelons and someone will have a half-eaten cow to deal with (which is another problem entirely) I suspect that this is what the reward is intended for, the clean-up. I'd advise against it but if you simply must, please don't attempt it in an enclosed space and be sure to notify the proper authorities.

A few people have asked me if Linny is actually real, so I asked him if he could clear that up......
- §twixchick§
It has been brought to my attention that there is some confusion about my existence. I assure you all that I am as real as I can be. I have even visited your fair city on several occasions. Of course I always travel incognito so as not to be recognized and offered annoying high government positions. I would also like to take this opportunity to assure you that I am not a flying pig! Not that there's anything wrong with being one if any of you are. The flying pig icon was placed there by the gracious twixchick who allows me to inhabit her web site. Now, hold tightly to your little heads and above all Don't Panic.

What's Linny's favorite flavor of cellophane? I have been wondering for a long time!
I pondered the cellophane question for a while and then decided to enlist the aid of experts. I sent out tiny forms to millions of microorganisms that spend their time consuming petroleum spills and asked what their favorite was. I'm pleased to announce that the answers are in. 5% preferred clear, 20% would rather eat cheerful yellow, 35% enjoyed bright red and 40% didn't understand the question (which is hardly a surprise as they have nothing that could in any way be confused with a brain). So it appears that those who know prefer the red cellophane. We would like to warn our little friends out there to refrain from chewing on adhesive tape as it tastes like glue and is made from the skins of endangered sea slugs.

I Am The Elf King Joshu and I am currently wondering WHY DO YOU PEOPLE THINK ALL ELVES ARE WORKERS FOR SANTA CLAUSE??? Thakyou. ~Joshu~
Oh Great Joshu, The way I see it, you elves have a major PR problem. Back in 17th century Coventry the mortality table listed no fewer than 8 people in the county as having been frightened to death by elves and fairies. Now there's some scary power! Now, it seems, the only time you guys show up is in December family TV specials and commercials and you're always working for the fat guy in red. If I were you, I'd hire a high powered ad agency and set the record straight.
    More answers are forthcoming right now, I'm observing a moment of silence in honor of Douglas Adams who shuffled off his mortal coil last Friday and hitched off into the universe for the last time. Here's to you Doug.

What do you taste like barbequed?
This question isn't so easy to answer since we know of no one who has gone through the process of being barbecued and hung around to taste the results. The best that we can do is deal with this on a case by case basis. If I were a chicken, pig or cow I would taste pretty good barbecued. If I were a possum, skink or platypus the results wouldn't be all that pleasant.

How come it's easier to go down hills than up them? I'm confused.
The difference between going up a hill and coming down is simply a matter of perception (as is nearly everything). Try coming up the hill and going down it and see if you notice a difference. If not, just practice ignoring gravity. There is a wide-spread misconception that gravity is a law. It's actually just a suggestion. When there's no gravity to worry about, up and down are the same (see Einstein's Theory of Relativity).

Also, why does pudding taste so puddingely delicious? I'm confused.
The puddingely delicious sensation that you experience when consuming the dessert in question is explained by the little-known fact that the human tongue is covered with tiny pudding receptor cells just waiting for the creamy confection to come a'pouring in. When this occurs, the cells leap up and start doing a dance that is very much like the macarena but not quite so silly. All of this activity sends waves of pleasure to the brain and brings about the sensation of puddingness which is two steps from nirvana (not the band, the state).

What is nonmenclature?
Well, the World Book dictionary tells us that nomenclature is a set or system of names or terms as in a particular science, art, etc., but why limit ourselves to this world? On the planet Gamboozie in the Arcturian system, nomenclature refers to the rough, uncomfortable dwelling places of small, hairy creatures called Nomens while all over the eastern quadrant of the universe the word is used in referring to those dirty ice drippy things that hang under the fenders of your intergalactic cruiser.

What is the real way to eat an OreoŽ?
-Confused in California
The way that you approach the ingestion of any cookie is limited only by your capabilities. Before you enjoy the Oreo, you must become one with it. You must sense your own cookie nature and get in touch with your filling. When you have achieved this blissful state, you eat your way out. I hope that this has been of some help, my California friend.

Why don't the people on TV listen to me when I talk to them?
The people on TV can hear you perfectly well when you talk to them and they don't listen because they're just rude!

Where do cheese logs come from?
Cheese logs are cut in a little known corner of Norway where great forests of cheese trees cover the hillsides as far as the nose can smell and the streams run black with used crankcase oil. As an interesting aside, did you know that string cheese is cut from the branches of the same trees?

What would you do for a Klondike bar?
I would ask politely for the Klondike bar, and if refused I would shuffle back to my hut and eat dirt.

How can I get elves to stop stealing my sausage buckets?
Elves are easily gotten rid of by importing a couple of ill-tempered, foul-smelling Scandinavian trolls. The elves will hit the bricks immediately upon seeing (or smelling) the trolls but then there you are with trolls gnawing on your shoulders and shins, but then, nobody promised you a free ride to Happyland, now did they? At least your precious sausage bucket is safe. SO JUST STOP ALL YER SNIVELING AND GET BACK TO WORK... Oh, sorry, now where were we?

Where is it that socks hide when your feet desperately need to be warm?
The sock question has puzzled great minds since before there were feet. The answer is actually quite simple. If you'll notice, socks have both an outside and an inside, both of which are equally accessible. This places them in a small category of three dimensional items that actually exist between dimensions. Seemingly insignificant factors determine which dimension any given sock will end up inhabiting. Ugly, holey socks tend to remain in our world where they take up space that could be better used for hiding sausage buckets from the elves (see above), while warm, colorful, happy socks just stream over into the alternate universe where they become animate, sentient being and raise families and work for large multinational corporations.

Do you think that Snickerdoodle cookies taste better with Ranch or Thousand Island dressing?
Snickerdoodles are best served with a vat of freshly heated sheep-dip but it's really a matter of taste, isn't it?