Daria’s Mid-Summer Night’s Dream
a joint work by Sir William Shakespeare & Lady Love Gordon
a skewed presentation of “A Mid-Summer Night’s Dream.” Note the word “skewed”.
For those who are
familiar with the original “A Mid-Summer Night’s Dream”:
Theseus: Ms. Li
Hippolyta: Superintendent Matthews
Philostate: Ms. Barch
Egeus: Helen
Hermia: Jane
Lysander: Trent
Demetrius: Tom
Helena: Daria
Quince: Jodie
Snug: Mack
Bottom: Kevin
Flute: Brittany
Snout: Angie
Starveling: Andrea
Puck: Upchuck
Oberon: Sandi
Titania: Quinn
Fairies: Fashion Club
Act I. Scene I.
Lawndale In One of Lawndale High’s many hallways.
Enter MS. LI, SUPERINTENDENT, MS. BARCH, and Other Faculty.
Li. Now, Superintendent Matthews, the hour draws near, when we shall be rich with the fruits of my latest scheme! In four happy days, we shall bring in near a million dollars in “kickbacks” from the school’s fundraising. Oh! but how slow the minutes pass by! I long to have my hands upon the soft paper of cash, and smell the scent of genuine USA ink.
Super. Ah, the time shall pass quick enough, Principal. From four days to four nights to naught at all. In no time at all, we’ll be rich!
Li. Go, Ms. Barch, announce the Graduation Football Game Fundraiser, excite the students. They’ll rejoice for an excuse to party, and we, [rubs her hands together] we shall rejoice more in the making of our fortunes. [laughs maniacally]
[Exit MS. BARCH.]
Superintendent, I enticed you with my conniving plots, and won your trust by the skin of my teeth, but I will make you rich without pain or lackluster planning – the money we earn for Lawndale is as good as ours!
Enter MRS. MORGENDORFFER (HELEN), DARIA, TRENT, and TOM.
Hel. Hello, Ms. Li!
Li. Good day to you, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Now, what brings you here?
Hel. I’m quite upset with my eldest, my daughter Daria. See, this young man [gestures to Tom] this man, her ex-boyfriend, is quite acceptable as a suitor for her. Tom is an eminently suitable match for Daria, as well as an intelligent one, for his family is rich- er, cultured. But he [points finger at Trent], Trent Lane has bewitched my daughter! They are out at all hours, doing God knows what, and I’ve hardly even seen her since graduation! She hardly ever studies anymore, how can she pass any of her classes? That, that, Trent! He has turned her against me. [calms herself]
Oh, Ms. Li, you are a paragon of reason. Speak to her, for she will not listen to her own loving mother. Let it be that she will let Trent alone, and consent to date this other boy, of good family and morals. She shall either chose Tom, or my wrath upon her! I should send her to a boarding school, for the entire summer!
Li. What do you have to say about this, Daria? Listen up; you should respect your parents. To you, your mother should be as a god; one who molded you and your gift from the first day she gave birth to you! It is her right to turn her back on an unfaithful child. Shall you abandon family for a man?
Barch. [passing by] A man? Don’t be a slave like I- [cut off by O’Neill dragging her offscreen]
Daria. [Ignores Barch] Trent is wonderful person.
Li. In himself he may be; but in causing this insolence to your parent he is not. Your mother’s authority, and her will, are the better for you to obey.
Daria. If only Mom were in my shoes; she’d understand how I feel.
Li. See her side of the story.
Daria. Hey, you should look at it from my side. I don’t speak up often, but this is cause for me to do so. So listen to me. What’s gonna happen if I don’t break up with Trent? She can’t legally force me to go to a boarding school the whole summer. I’m 18.
Li. But she can get a restraining order. Think hard, Daria, question your desires; you’re young and and inexperienced. Let a more experienced… plotter and thinker such as I [smirks evilly, and the Superintendent looks vaguely amused] offer some food for thought. Do you want to be a destitute musician’s groupie? Or perhaps be pampered, luxurious girlfriend of a rising young executive? Would it be so bad?
Daria. So will I grow old and die a hypocrite in such as world as this? No. I am my own person. What authority have you over me? Why should you meddle in what is not your business?
Li. Think it over, and by the Graduation Fundraiser, be prepared to give your boyfriend his leave, should you disobey your Mother’s kind will. Or else go home, and date Tom until graduation. A summer is not so much.
Tom Give up, Daria. Your boyfriend will only be around so long as it is. They all jump ship sooner or later. You can always go hang out with me and discuss the latest and greatest of Sick Sad World.
Trent You have her mother’s love, Tom. Let me have Daria’s.
Hel. Scornful Trent! It is true I like Tom better, and why shouldn’t I? He is wealthy, smart, and a great match for Daria’s sarcastic wit. You seem to be only in love with her more physical attributes. Hence my opinion.
Trent I am quite as nice as he, even if I’m not loaded myself. I love her in a way Tom never can. Why do you deny me this? She loves me as well. We don’t need you meddling in our business. Tom doesn’t need Daria around, anyway. He’s got my sister, Jane, falling all over him. If he’d take her back instead, he wouldn’t need Daria around.
Li. I did hear about that through the rumor mills. I had meant to speak with him about it, but forgot. But never mind. Tom, Mrs. Morgendorffer, come: I shall talk with you both. Perhaps we can straighten out this mess?
For you Daria, remember this: a boyfriend is for but a moment; a family is a lifetime.
So, come, dear Superintendent; Tom and Mrs. Morgendorffer, you two come along as well. I have something to discuss with you about the Fundraiser, and of something nearly that concerns yourselves.
Hel. With duty and desire we follow you.
[Exit MS. LI, SUPERINTENDENT, MRS. MORGENDORFFER, TOM, and Others.
Trent You’re upset, Daria. Is there something else wrong?
Daria. [sighs] This, and, just everything!
Trent The course of true love never did run smooth;
Daria. Ah, this sucks!
Trent Oh, hell! To choose love by another’s standards. If there was a sympathy in choice, it is dead and gone.
Daria. If ever true lovers have been ever crossed, it is we!
Trent True enough: therefore, listen to me, Daria. I have an old widow aunt, a dowager, the wealthiest of the Lanes. She doesn’t have any kids, and I’m like her own son. The city, where she lives, is not so far away. They have a great Elvis impersonator. Marry me? They can’t get us if we’re hitched, you know. If you love me, sneak out tomorrow night, and meet me at Pizza Forest. I’ll wait for you there.
Daria. That’s a great idea, Trent! Since I turned eighteen this past November, on the eighth, it will all be legal. I swear, I do love you, and I shall meet you there, at midnight.
Trent Keep your promise, love. Look, here comes Jane.
Enter JANE.
Daria. Hey, what’s up, Jane!
Trent Lookin’ good! [Daria slaps him]
Jane. Calling me pretty? Well, I don’t know where you’d get that from. Tom loves only Daria. Were I you, Daria, my life would be content!
Daria. You want to see him in his boxers that bad?
Jane. Um, can I plead the Fifth?
Daria. I can’t stand him, yet he will not leave me alone.
Jane. My love could use a lesson from your hatred.
Daria. Time and time again, I tell him off, yet he still worships me.
Jane. I worship him and he ignores me.
Daria. The more I hate him, the more he follows me.
Jane. The more I love him, the more he hates me.
Daria. He’s full of crap, Jane, but that’s not my fault.
Jane. No fault but your scintillating mind: I wish that fault were mine!
Daria. Don’t worry, for he soon will be all yours. Trent and I are hitting the road. Oh, before I met your brother, life was so easy! But in loving him, life has turned from heaven to a hell.
Trent Janey, I’ll tell you our plan. Tomorrow night, as Daria said, we’re leaving Lawndale for Aunt Regina’s. It will be dark out, so no one will see us. I hope.
Daria. At Pizza Forest, our old hangout, Trent and I shall meet. I hate to say goodbye- when you see us next, the summer will have passed, and we’ll be married. [shudders] Gee, I never thought I’d say that, but it’s true. Every time I see a painting, I’ll think of you. Good luck with Tom!
[turns to Trent]
Keep your promise, Trent. We must part until tomorrow midnight.
Trent I will, my Daria.—[Exit DARIA.]Bye, Janey. Hopefully Tom will come around, and you two shall be as happy as she and I are. [Exit TRENT]..
Jane. How happy they are. Dammit, I’m thought as cynical and funny as Daria here at Lawndale High. But Tom doesn’t think so. That’s why he broke up with me. He is wrong, doting on Daria that way, but I am just as wrong doting on him. Love has power, though, righting wrongs and making goods from bad.
[sighs]
He defies my love in the seeking of hers. Where’s Cupid when you need him? He’s been sorely wronged in this case. I know! I’ll tell him that Daria’s skipping town, and he will finally see that I am the better woman for him! I will win his heart this time!
[Exit JANE].
Act I. Scene II.
. A Classroom in Lawndale High.
Enter JODIE, MACK, KEVIN, BRITTANY, ANGIE, and ANDREA
Jod. Is everybody here?
Kev Call role. That’s what all the teachers do.
Jod. Here is the attendance sheet, listing all member of the Lawndale Drama Club.
Mack. First, Jodie, say what the play is; then name the cast.
Jod. Guys, our play is: “The Most Lamentable Comedy, and Most Cruel Death of Pyramus and Thisbe”. It’s Shakespeare. We’re performing it for the Graduation Fundraiser.
Andr. A personal favorite. How fun.
Jod. Answer as I call you. Kevin Thompson, quarterback?
Kev. Here. What part am I?
Jod. You are Pyramus.
Kev. What is Pyramus? A tree? A dog?
Jod. A lover, that kills himself most gallantly for love.
Kev. Dude, I’m suicidal? Why can’t I be the good guy?
Andr. Try this:
“The raging rocks
And shivering shocks
Shall break the locks
Of prison gates:
And Phibbus’ car
Shall shine from far
And make and mar
The foolish Fates.”
That was suicidal. Pyramus was just stupid. Now, Jodie, name the rest of the players.
Jod. Brittany Taylor, head cheerleader.
Brit. Here, Jodie!
Jod. You are to portray Thisbe.
Brit. What is Thisbe? It sounds awfully sa-ad.
Jod. She is the lady that Pyramus loves.
Brit. Ooh, like Julia and Romero! I get it! It’s a tragedy!
Jod. That’s it, indeed.
Kev. Hey, I could wear a mask, let me play Thisbe too. I’ll speak in a monstrous little voice, ‘Thisbe, Thisbe!’
Jod. No, no; you must play Pyramus; and Brittany, you play Thisbe.
Mack. Well, proceed.
Jod. Andrea Hecuba, cartoonist.
Andr. Here, Jodie.
Jod. Andrea, you must play Thisbe’s Mother. Angie, cheerleader.
Ang. I’m here, too, Jodie.
Jod. You are Pyramus’s father; myself, Thisbe’s father; Mack, captain of the football team, you are the lion’s part: and, I hope, the play is cast
Mack. Is the lion’s part written?
Jod. You could just improvise, it is nothing but roaring.
Kev. Let me play the lion too! I will roar and make all those wimpy football players from Oakwood cry! Yeah!
Jod. And you should do it too terribly, Kevin. You’re a Lion off stage; you don’t need to play that role.
All. Please, God, no.
Jod. You can play no part but Pyramus; for Pyramus is gentleman, and you most certainly need practice in that department.
Kev. Okay, I’ll do it.
Mack. What beard should I wear? [rummages through trunk]
Jod. Why should it matter?
Mack.. I’ll wear either your straw colored beard, your orange-tawny beard, your purple-in-grain beard, or your French-crown colored beard, your perfect yellow. Perfect for a lion, that is.
Jod. Some of your French crowns have no hair at all, and then you will play bare-faced. But, actors, here are your parts. [smiles evilly] And you will learn them by tomorrow night, or I will kill you, understood? [all nod] Meet me in the woods near Pizza King, at night: there will we rehearse. If we do that here, there will be students running in and out at all hours, and our play known. The surprise would be spoiled for the students.
Kev. Sounds cool.
Adr. And there we may rehearse more obscenely and courageously. Learn your goddamn lines, everybody.
Jod. At the woods we meet.
. [All exit]
Act II. Scene I.
A
mall near Pizza King. The next day.
Enter TIFFANY on one side, and UPCHUCK on the other.
Upchuck. Hey, feisty lady! Where are you going?
Tif.. [really slowly, as usual] To, like, shop. Anywhere, really. Just hanging out with Quinn. And, like, Stacy. I’m supposed to meet them and those guys that follow them here. We’re going camping… in the woods tonight.
Upchuck. Sandi’s here, shopping as well. Make sure Quinn doesn’t run into her- since she was kicked out of the Fashion Club, Sandi hasn’t been too happy with your friend,
Tif. Hey, it’s you, Upchuck, isn’t it? I forgot my contacts. Ewww….
Upchuck. Yup, it’s me, Sandi’s love-slave and the Hugh Hefner of Lawndale High.
Tif.[incredulous] She agreed with that?
Upchuck. Well, not exactly…. Oh, here she comes.
Tif. And here is Quinn. This could be bad.
Enter SANDI from one side, with her Train; and QUINN from the other, with hers.
San. Well, hello, Quinn.
Quin. Why, it’s Sandi. I’m surprised you set foot in here, after your removal from the popular crowd. Fashion Club, let’s go, I’m not speaking to her.
San. Aren’t I your friend?
Quin. You were once, but no longer. You only set foot here to purchase an outfit for the Graduation Fundraiser. Until you can atone for the sin of dating MY boyfriend behind my back, you will not rejoin the club.
San. Since you have the upper hand, forgive me. Do not deny my friends and popularity. I didn’t sleep with him or anything, you know. We only went out twice.
Quin. I won’t. Not until you apologize.
San. That is neither here nor there.
Quin. I would like to be your friend again, but how can I trust you?
San. Give me your forgiveness, and I will prove trustworthy, I tell you.
Quin. Not for all the designer gowns in the world would I do that. Guys, I’m out of here. We’d better leave now if we want to make it to the campsite in the woods before nightfall. [Exit QUINN with her Train.]
San. Well, go your way. But, until I’ve tormented you for this slight, this business shall no end. Upchuck [snaps fingers. He appears] You remember that Chanel display in Cashman’s last week?
Upchuck. I remember.
San. They have a special “love potion” perfume guaranteed to get sparks flying. Purchase me some of that? And make it snappy.
Upchuck. I can take your girdle off in forty seconds, but this may take a bit more time.
San. Eww, Upchuck! [slaps him] And I don’t wear a girdle. I’ll give you half an hour.
[Exit. Upchuck. Sandi walks for a bit, speaking. She ends up in front of Pizza King.]
San. Once I’ve got this perfume, I’ll spray it Quinn while she sleeps. And the first thing she sees when she wakes, she will fall in love with! Then I shall give her an antidote, and in gratitude, she shall forgive me.
[hears people coming, and hides
behind potted plant]
This conversation I’d love to hear.
Enter TOM, JANE following him.
Tom Jane, I don’t even like you. Will you just stop following me? Where are Trent and Daria? I’d like to kill him, that evil…. and she is the girl of my dreams. You told me they were nearby. Liar! You resort to even the cruelest of measures to steal my heart from her.
Jane. But I love you, and she does not. She said she would be here, honest!
Tom Do I entice you? Do I compliment you? I’ve told you, honestly, I cannot stand your company. You lied to me, to top it off. What kind of love would do that?
Jane. But the more you deny it, the more I shall love you. I’ll be your dog; no matter whether you kick me, beat me, I will still stay with you. More than Daria has ever done, for anyone. What worse place can I beg for your love than to be treated as you treat your dog?
Tom You make me sick, just to look at you.
Jane. And I am sick when I do not look on you.
Tom I am inclined to leave you to the skinheads and muggers. You would trust me here, in a dark parking lot, alone with yourself, at such a late hour?
Jane. You’re the whole world to me; so how am I alone when you are with me?
Tom Get lost, Jane. Perhaps they are in the woods. If you follow me, I won’t be responsible for what happens.
Jane. You would hurt me? I do not believe you. [Exit TOM.]
I’ll follow you, for heaven would be hell without you. [Exit.JANE]
San. Well, well. Perhaps I can help her with this love perfume as well.
[Re-enter UPCHUCK.]
Have
you the perfume, boy?
Upchuck. Here it is.
San. Give it to me, and listen. Quinn is camping in the dead center of those woods. I’ll spray some of this on her, and take revenger, but you must help as well.
Take some of it, and seek that poor arty girl who is in love with that disrespectful boy. Spray him too, so the next thing he sees is that girl. You’ll know the boy by his awful clothes. So last season. Put much on, so he will love her more even than she loves him. And meet me here in the morning.
Upchuck. Fear not, Sandi, your slave shall do so. Rowrrrr!
[Exit SANDI and UPCHUCK]
Act II. Scene II.
The Wood.
Enter QUINN, with her Train.
Quin. Let’s sing a camp song, and sleep.
The Fashion Club and admirers sing.
Stacy. Let’s go to sleep.
[Exit Club. QUINN sleeps.]
Enter SANDI, and sprays perfume on QUINN.
San. [evil smile] And now, I’ll sit back and watch the fun.
[Exit SANDI].
Enter TRENT and DARIA.
Trent I’m tired, and to be honest, I’m not quite sure where we are. Let’s go to sleep and try to find our way out in the morning.
Daria. That sounds like a good idea. I think I’ll rest my head on this bank.
Trent One turf could serve as pillow for us both.
Daria. [blushes] Um, Trent, why don’t you sleep over there? Don’t sleep so near.
Trent We are as of one heart, is all I meant. So by your side, I’ll sleep.
Daria You say that very nicely, I’ll give you that. [pauses. He doesn’t move.] Go! Over there!
[TRENT lies down a decent distance away. ]
[ Enter UPCHUCK. TRENT and DARIA are now asleep. ]
Upchuck. I looked everywhere, but couldn’t find that bad, bad boy. Ah! But here’s one dressed in hideous clothes. And there is the lady scorned.
Enter TOM and JANE, running.
Jane. Please, Tom, kill me if you will, but do not forsake me!
Tom If only I could rid myself of you!
[Exit
JANE, weeping.]
(Here is where William and I started arguing about the plot– J Love)
Tom Finally, she is gone! I’m tired, I think I’ll sleep here.
[TOM lies down. After a few minutes, he falls asleep]
Upchuck Ah, this is the boy who spurned his love! Never fear, Jane, I shall write this wrong. The other boy shall wake up to his girl, unharmed.
[UPCHUCK sprays the perfume on TOM.]
[The next morning, TOM awakes. He yawns, rubs his eyes, and trips over TRENT]
Trent [Awaking.] Tom! What delight it is to see you!
Tom. Ah, my Trent! Daria has tricked us both, and now I see that is only you that I love!
Trent And I you. Oh, the tedious minutes I with her have spent. If only I had spent them with you! Not Daria, but Tom….
[Similar ramblings from both Tom and Trent continue]
[DARIA wakes]
Daria. Trent…. AH! [shrieks] What is going on here?
[JANE enters.]
Jane. That’s what I want to know!
Act III. Scene I.
A Wood.QUINN lying asleep.
Enter JODIE, MACK, BOTTOM, BRITTANY, ANGIE, and ANDREA.
Kev. Are we all here?
Jod. Yes; and here’s a marvelously convenient place for our rehearsal. This green plot shall be our stage, this hawthorn-bush our dressing room; and we will do it in costume as we will do it before the school.
Kev. Jodie—
Jod. What’s up, Kevin?
Kev. Um, isn’t it a bad idea to have people killing themselves onstage? ‘Cause, it’s like, depressing.
Ang. Yeah!
Andr. I believe we must leave the killing out, when all is said and done. [sighs] Damn! That was my favorite part, too.
Mack. Not at all. Write a prologue; and let the prologue say we will do no harm with our swords, and that Pyramus is not really killed.
Jod. Well, we will have such a prologue, then. Good idea, Mack.
Ang. Won’t the people be afraid of the lion?
Andr. Only the two-year olds in the audience. [JODIE gives her an odd look.] I mean the cheerleaders, Jodie.
Kev. So, shouldn’t we have another pro-pog thingy about the lion?
Jod. Well, then, we will. But there are two more hard things, that is, to bring the moonlight into a chamber; for, you know, Pyramus and Thisbe meet by moonlight.
Andr. Someone holding a lantern, and saying he is the person of Moonshine, could suffice.
Jod. Then, there is another thing: we must have a wall in the great chamber; for Pyramus and Thisbe, says the story, spoke through the chink in a wall.
Mack. You can never bring in a wall. What shall we do, then?
Brit. Maybe somebody could pretend to be a wall!
Andr. Someone drenched in plaster?
Jod. That will work! Good work, guys. Let’s rehearse our parts. Pyramus, you begin: when you have spoken your speech, enter into that bush; and so on.
[Enter UPCHUCK, behind.]
Upchuck. Oh, look! The Drama Club! What have we here? I think I’ll hide up in that tree and watch.
Jod. Speak, Pyramus.—Thisbe, stand forth.
Kev. Thisbe, the flowers have odious savours sweet,—
Jod. Odorous, odorous.
Kev. —odours savours sweet:
So hath thy breath, my dearest Thisbe dear.
But hark, a voice! stay thou but here awhile,
And by and by I will to thee appear. [Exit KEVIN]
Upchuck. A stranger Pyramus than before played here! Hehehe…. [Exit UPCHUCK]
Brit. Must I speak now?
Jod. Yes, you do.
Brit. Most radiant Pyramus, most lily-white of hue,
Of colour like the red rose on triumphant brier,
Most brisky juvenal, and eke most lovely Jew,
As true as truest horse that yet would never tire,
I’ll meet thee, Pyramus, at Ninny’s Tomb.
Jod. ‘Ninus’ Tomb’ , Brittany. Why, you must not speak that yet; that you answer to Pyramus: you speak all your part at once. Pyramus, enter: your cue is past; it is ‘never tire.’
Brit. O!—As true as truest horse, that yet would never tire.
[Re-enter UPCHUCK, and KEVIN with a horrible mess of mud on his face. It’s one of Sandi’s face masks- and he looks the Thing from the Swamp!]
Kev. If I were, fair Thisbe, I were only thine.
All. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
[Exit Actors].
Upchuck. Hehehe… [Exit.]
Kev. Why do they run away?
[Re-enter ANGIE.]
Ang. Kevin? Is that you? You look…. weird. I’m scared!
Kev. What do you see? [waves his arms at her]
[ANGIE screams and runs away]
[Re-enter JODIE.]
Jod. Kevin? I don’t know what’s happened to you, but I…[gets a good look at his face] AH![Exit.JODIE]
Kev. They just want to make an ass of me. But I’m not scared. Kevvie isn’t afraid of the big, bad woods, nooooo!
[Owl hoots]
Kev. EEK!
Quin. [Awaking. Not only is she bespelled, she’s also slightly drunk from the night’s revelry.] What angel ::hic::wakes me from my ::hic:: flowery bed?
Kev. Um, just me. I’m kinda lost….
Quin. Come over here, and you won’t be ::hic:: lost anymore.
Kev. But babe, I have a girlfriend. Remember? That’s not a good idea, right?
Quin. You are as wise ::hic:: as you are ::hic:: beautiful!
Kev. Really, babe? You’re cool!
Quin. You should ::hic:: stay here with me, indeed, ::hic:: boy. My Fashion Club subservient officers shall wait on you ::hic::, and serve us Perrier in crystal glasses! [snaps her fingers] Stacy! Tiffany! Brooke! and ::hic:: Tori!
(I’m not going to
keep typing ::hic:: but you can bet she keeps hiccupping. The Fashion Club, is,
as well, totally smashed. - Love)
Enter Four Fashionites.
Stacy. Ready.
Tif. And I.
Brooke. And I.
Tori. And I.
All Four. Where shall we go?
Quin Fetch my love a can of beer.
Stacy Hail, oh holy hot one.
Tif. Hey, football boy.
Brooke. Yo!
Tori. Hell-o, good-looking.
Kev. Whoa. Aren’t you, like…
Tif. Tiffany.
Kev. Hey. If I want more beer I’ll let ya know, okay? [looks at STACY] You’re
Stacy Stacy.
Kev. Hi.
Tori. I’m Tori. Anything you need, just me know. [she flashes a not-so-innocent grin]
Kev. Well, hello to you too. [looks at BROOKE] You’re Brooke? [she nods]
Quin. Go fetch the beer, now. [starts kissing KEVIN. He looks reluctant, but gets into the spirit of things after a few seconds]
[Exit All].
Act III. Scene II.
Another Part of the Wood.
[Enter SANDI.]
San. I wonder how my plan turned out. What hideous beast has that Quinn fallen in love with?
[Enter UPCHUCK.]
So, did all go as planned?
Upchuck. Quinn is in love with a quarterback in a moisturizing facemask. It might be funny if it weren’t so sad. She, and her followers, are also very drunk. I’ll tell you all about it later.
San. This falls out better than I could devise. What about that boy?
Upchuck. There were two, so I dosed both. Why?
[Enter TOM and TRENT, hugging.]
San. Upchuck, I’m going to kill you!
Upchuck. Feisty!
[SANDI kicks him. Hard.]
[TOM and TRENT exit. A moment later, DARIA and JANE enter.]
Jane. So, you woke and they were just fawning all over each other? Eww.
Daria. My thoughts exactly. I have nothing against gay people, it’s just… seeing the man you spent the night with making out with another guy is pretty disturbing.
Jane. You two… didn’t.
Daria. No! I made him sleep at least ten feet off. God only knows we’d have enough time later for that sort of thing.
Jane. Don’t tell me anymore. There are just some things a sister does not need to know.
Daria. So what are we going to do? Wander around in the woods in hope of finding them retching into a freshly dug latrine, promising us never to take LSD again?
Jane. Ewww.
Daria. Made you say it!
.Jane. Let’s go and search for them. Makes me feel useful.
[JANE and DARIA exit.]
San. Upchuck, you idiot, you’ve totally screwed up our plotting. But it can be fixed, thankfully. I have an errand for you to run.
Upchuck. I go, I go; look how I go!
San. There
is an antidote; it is sold exclusively by Versace. Fetch it, and come back
quickly. Night is falling.
[Exit
UPCHUCK.]
[TOM and TRENT ramble in. They talk
for a while, then TRENT falls asleep. TOM walks around for a bit
before falling asleep on the opposite side of the stage.]
[JANE and DARIA wander into this
clearing of the forest sometime later. They are clearly exhausted.
DARIA falls down next to TRENT, not seeing him, and immediately goes
to sleep. JANE lies next to TOM. She doesn’t see him either, and
falls asleep.]
[Re-enter UPCHUCK]
Upchuck. I have returned, with the antidote!
San. Hush; they’re sleeping. Spray that boy with black with the antidote. Drench the other, the brown-haired one, with more of the love-potion.
Upchuck. I shall, and hopefully all will go well.
Act IV. Scene I.
A Wood. TRENT, TOM, JANE and DARIA lying asleep.
Enter QUINN and KEVIN, Fairies attending; SANDI behind unseen.
Quin. Let us rest on this flowery bed and enjoy a rest
Kev. Where’s Stacy?
Stacy Ready.
Kev. Scratch my head, Stacy. Where’s Tiffany?
Tif. Ready.
Kev. Tiffany, grab me another beer. Where’s Tori?
Tori. What’s your will?
Kev. Nothing, but to help Tiffany to scratch.
Quin. Would you like some music, love?
Kev. Sure! Do you have, like, some heavy metal cds?
Quin. No, but perhaps I have something I could tempt you to eat?
Kev. Nah.
Quin. Sleep then, I could use a nap. [Exit Fashionites.]
O! how I love you; how I dote on you! [They sleep.]
Enter UPCHUCK.
San. [Advancing.] Well, I’ve had my revenge. [sprays QUINN with antidote]
Now, Quinn, wake up.
Quin. Sandi! What visions have I seen! I was in love with that asshole!
San. There lies your “love”. I have freed you from him.
Quin. Oh, I forgive you, Sandi, you are a good friend! Dating Kevin would be a terrible Fashion Don’t, since he’s already going out with a cheerleader!
[Enter MS. LI, SUPERINTENDENT MATTHEWS, HELEN, and Train.]
Li. Let’s take a walk through this beautiful wood. Strangely, I’ve never noticed it here before….
Super. Me either. Hey! Who are those kids?
Hel. Ms. Li, this is my daughter here asleep! And here is Trent, and Tom as well, along Daria’s good friend Jane. Why on earth are they here?
Li. No doubt they rose up early to observe the great Graduation Football game. [HELEN looks highly doubtful as to the accuracy of this suggestion. LI pauses, and then speaks.] Why, isn’t this the day that Daria should give answer of her choice?
Hel. It is, yes.
Li. Go, Superintendent, wake them up with your bullhorn.
Super. [loudly amplified] Wake up!
[TRENT, TOM, DARIA, and JANE, wake and start up.]
Li. Hello there!
Trent Hi, Ms. Li. [yawns] I had the weirdest dream….
Daria. It wasn’t a dream.
[TRENT looks at TOM, shudders, then runs over and embraces DARIA, who sighs with relief.]
Li. So, no bloodshed? We’re all friends now?
Trent I guess so. I don’t really recall how I got here, actually. Daria and I were eloping because her mother is a crazy bi- [sees HELEN] –a little overbearing. I think we got lost.
Hel. Enough, enough, Ms. Li, you heard him! They would have defied me, and, you Tom, cheating us both of our due! [hysterical] I beg the law, the law, upon his head!
Tom Actually, Jane told me they were running away. I followed them in fury, Jane on my heels. And, as I discovered, I do not really love Daria- it is Jane my heart belongs to! So, Mrs. Morgendorffer, only you have been cheated of the rewards of your plotting – if rewards they are. For I love only Jane, and will not date another.
Li. Well, then all is well. Mrs. Morgendorffer, this is out of your hands now. It seems to me you aim to bring only unhappiness to these four, and unjustice I will not have. It is not for the good of Laaaaaaaaawndale High that you act!
Come, Superintendent Matthews.
[Exit MS. LI, SUPERINTENDENT MATTHEWS, HELEN, and Train.]
Tom That was one hell of a weird night.
Daria. You said it, buster.
Jane. But now, I have Tom, so all is right!
Tom Are you sure that we are awake? It seems to me we’re still dreaming. Wasn’t Ms. Li just hear, telling us to come along?
Daria. Yes; and my mother.
Jane. And Superintendent Matthews.
Trent And they told us to come along to the big football game.
Tom Why then, we are awake. Let’s follow them; but please, please, no one mention last night’s revelry. I think [turns a light shade of green] I am going to be sick
Jane. And rightly!
[Exit JANE, TOM, TRENT, and DARIA]
Kev. [Awaking.] When my cue comes, call me, and I will answer: my next is, ‘Most fair Pyramus.’
[No one answers.]
Jodie! Brittany! Angie! Andrea! [scratches his head] Man, that was one weird dream!
[Exit KEVIN]
Act IV. Scene II.
. A Classroom In Lawndale High .
Enter JODIE, BRITTANY, ANGIE, and ANDREA.
Jod. Have you called Kevin’s house? Is he home yet?
Andr. Nope.
Brit. Oh, no! The play will be ruined!
Jod. Indeed. Let’s hope he comes home soon.
F And there is no one else to play the part, is there?
Jod. He’s the only one who knows the lines, and he is a very paramour of a hero.
Ang.. You must say, ‘paragon:’ a paramour he is only to Brittany. [sighs] He’ll never notice me! [BRITTANY gives ANGIE a death stare.]
[Enter MACK.]
Mack. Ms. Li is coming, as well as several guests!
Brit. Oh, where is my Kevvie?
[Enter KEVIN.]
Kev. Where did you guys go?
Jod. Kevin!
Andr. [deadpan] O most courageous day. O most happy hour.
Kev. Hey, you’ll never guess what happened to me! I met these gorgeous girls in the woods, and they were waiting on me hand and foot- their leader was a great kisser-
Brit. [furious, clenches her fists] Ooooh, Kevvie!
Mack. Never mind his adventure! Let’s get the show on the road.
[Exit All.]
Act V. Scene I.
Athens. An Apartment in the Palace of MS. LI.
Enter MS. LI, SUPERINTENDENT MATTHEWS, MS. BARCH, Lords, and Attendants.
Super. These kids had one heck of a weird experience, Ms. Li.
Li. More strange than true. One wonders what kind of drug dealers lurk in those woods. But it does make for an interesting tale.
Super. They all concur on the events, so it can’t have been a dream.
Li. Here
they are.
[Enter TRENT, TOM, DARIA, and JANE.]
Trent Ah, a trip to the restroom has refreshed us. Do you have food at these games?
Li. Of course, and the Fundraiser’s Dance, later in the evening, shall have music provided by- [frowns] ask Ms. Barch.
Barch. Here, Ms. Li.
Li. Say, what entertainment have you planned for this evening?
Barch. Mystik Spiral is to play at the dance, but for the main event there are several choices. [Gives a paper].
Li. The Lawndale Enuch’s Society singing drinking ballads to the harp.
We’ll none of that here!
Riotous song and dance from the
girls at the Playboy Club-
Been there, done that. [the four friends look at each other and smirk]
The Sickest and Saddest of Sick Sad World Miming Troupe
Too depressing and cynical for a celebration. [the four friends sigh]
A tedious brief scene of young Pyramus and his love Thisbe; very
tragical mirth.
Merry and tragical! tedious and brief! This I must see!
Barch. A play there is, some ten words long, which is as brief as I have known a play; but by ten words, it is too long, which makes it tedious. Pyramus’s death supplies the tragedy. And all this ineptitude makes it tragic-comic.
Li. Who are the actors?
Barch. Some seniors here at Lawndale High. Jodie Landon, true to form, is one of them.
Li. Then we will hear it.
Barch. But it is horrid!
Li. I will hear that play, and see how inept my students are.
[Exit MS. BARCH.]
Super. She says that this is horrid entertainment, Ms. Li.
Li. But the entertaining shall be in the horror. [SUPERINTENDENT smiles, understanding.]
[Re-enter MS. BARCH.]
Barch. Jodie wishes to give a prologue.
Li. Let her approach.
[Enter JODIE for the Prologue.]
Prol. If we offend, it is with our good will.
That you should think, we come not to offend,
But with good will. To show our simple skill,
That is the true beginning of our end.
Consider then we come but in despite.
We do not come as minding to content you,
Our true intent is. All for your delight,
We are not here. That you should here repent you,
The actors are at hand; and, by their show,
You shall know all that you are like to know.
Li. It’s a bit wordy.
Trent. Too much icing for a few small facts.
Super. This does not reflect well on their teachers.
Li. Mr. O’Neill taught them to write like that? I am not surprised.
[Enter PYRAMUS and THISBE, WALL, MOONSHINE, and LION, as in dumb show.]
Prol. Gentles, perchance you wonder at this show;
But wonder on, till truth make all things plain.
This man is Pyramus, if you would know;
This beauteous lady Thisbe is, certain.
This man, with lime and rough-cast, doth present
Wall, that vile Wall which did these lovers sunder;
And through Wall’s chink, poor souls, they are content
To whisper, at the which let no man wonder.
This man, with lanthorn, dog, and bush of thorn,
Presenteth Moonshine; for, if you will know,
By moonshine did these lovers think no scorn
To meet at Ninus’ Tomb, there, there to woo.
This grisly beast, which Lion hight by name,
The trusty Thisbe, coming first by night,
Did scare away, or rather did affright;
And, as she fled, her mantle she did fall,
Which Lion vile with bloody mouth did stain.
Anon comes Pyramus, sweet youth and tall,
And finds his trusty Thisbe’s mantle slain:
Whereat, with blade, with bloody blameful blade,
He bravely broach’d his boiling bloody breast;
And Thisbe, tarrying in mulberry shade,
His dagger drew and died. For all the rest,
Let Lion, Moonshine, Wall, and lovers twain,
At large discourse, while here they do remain.
[Exit PROLOGUE, PYRAMUS, THISBE, LION, and MOONSHINE.]
Li. I wonder, if the lion will speak.
Tom [To JANE] No wonder that one lion can, when many asses do. [JANE snickers.]
Wall. In this same interlude it doth befall
That I, one Angie by name, present a wall;
And such a wall, as I would have you think,
That had in it a crannied hole or chink,
Through which the lovers, Pyramus and Thisbe,
Did whisper often very secretly.
This loam, this rough-cast, and this stone doth show
That I am that same wall; the truth is so;
And this the cranny is, right and sinister,
Through which the fearful lovers are to whisper.
Li. Do you desire a brain to speak better?
Tom It is the wittiest wall that ever I’ve ever heard speak.
Li. Pyramus draws near the wall: silence!
[Re-enter PYRAMUS.]
Pyr. O grim-look’d night! O night with hue so black!
O night, which ever art when day is not!
O night! O night! alack, alack, alack!
I fear my Thisbe’s promise is forgot.
And thou, O wall! O sweet, O lovely wall!
That stand’st between her father’s ground and mine;
Thou wall, O wall! O sweet, and lovely wall!
Show me thy chink to blink through with mine eyne. [WALL holds up his fingers.]
Thanks, courteous wall: Jove shield thee well for this!
But what see I? No Thisbe do I see.
O wicked wall! through whom I see no bliss;
Curs’d be thy stones for thus deceiving me!
Dar. If the wall is so good and smart, why doesn’t it curse back?.
Pyr. No, Daria, it shouldn’t. ‘Deceiving me,’ is Thisbe’s cue: she is to enter now, and I am to look at her through the wall-thingy. You’ll see. There she is now!
[Re-enter THISBE.]
This. O wall! full often hast thou heard my moans,
For parling my fair Pyramus and me:
My cherry lips have often kiss’d thy stones,
Thy stones with lime and hair knit up in thee.
Pyr. I see a voice: now will I to the chink,
To spy an I can hear my Thisbe’s face. Thisbe!
This. My love! thou art my love, I think.
Pyr. Think what thou wilt, I am thy lover’s grace;
And, like Limander, am I trusty still.
This. And I like Helen, till the Fates me kill.
Pyr. Not Shafalus to Procrus was so true.
This. As Shafalus to Procrus, I to you.
Pyr. O! kiss me through the hole of this vile wall.
This. I kiss the wall’s hole, not your lips at all.
Pyr. Wilt thou at Ninny’s Tomb meet me straightway?
This. ’Tide life, ’tide death, I come without delay. [Exit PYRAMUS and THISBE.]
Wall. Thus have I, Wall, my part discharged so;
And, being done, thus Wall away doth go. [Exit WALL]
Li. Now is the wall down between the two neighbors?
Tom No, only a set change, though one wonders of the wall’s willfulness.
Super. This is the silliest stuff that ever I heard.
Li. The best in this kind are only shadows, and the worst are no worse, if imagination revises them.
Super. It must be your imagination then, and not theirs.
Li. If we imagine no worse of them than they do of themselves, they may pass for intelligent adults, come college. Here come two noble beasts, a man and a lion.
[Re-enter LION and MOONSHINE.]
Lion. You, ladies, you, whose gentle hearts do fear
The smallest monstrous mouse that creeps on floor,
May now perchance both quake and tremble here,
When lion rough in wildest rage doth roar.
Then know that I, one Mack the team captain, am
A lion-fell, nor else no lion’s dam:
For, if I should as lion come in strife
Into this place, ’twere pity on my life.
Li. A very gentle beast, and of a good conscience.
Tom The very best, indeed.
Trent This lion is as a fox for his valor.
Daria. True, and he is a goose for his discretion.
Tom Not so; for his valor cannot carry his discretion, and the fox carries the goose.
Jane. His discretion, I am sure, cannot carry his valor, for a goose cannot carry a fox.
Li. It is well: leave it to his discretion, and let us listen to the moon.
Moon. This lantern doth the horned moon present—
Tom She should have worn the horns on her head.
Li. She is no crescent moon, and her horns are invisible within the circumference.
Moon. This lanthorn doth the horned moon present;
Myself the man in the moon do seem to be.
Daria. This is the greatest error of all. The girl should be put into the lantern: how is it else is the man in the moon?
Tom She can’t, for there is a candle in it.
Super. I am weary of this moon: would she change!
Li. It appears, by her small light of discretion, that she is in the wane; but yet, in courtesy, in all reason, we must stay the time.
Trent Proceed, Moon.
Moon. All that I have to say, is, to tell you that the lantern is the moon; I, the man in the moon; this thorn-bush, my thorn-bush; and this dog, my dog.
Tom Why, all these should be in the lantern; for all these are in the moon.
Li. Silence! here comes Thisbe.
[Re-enter THISBE.]
This. This is old Ninny’s Tomb. Where is my love?
Lion. [Roaring.] Oh—. [THISBE runs off.
Tom Well roared, Lion.
Li. Well run, Thisbe.
Super. Well shone, Moon. Truly, the moon shines with a good grace. [The LION tears THISBE’S mantle, and exit.]
Li. Well moused, Lion.
Tom And then came Pyramus.
Trent And so the lion vanished.
[Re-enter PYRAMUS.]
Pyr. Sweet moon, I thank thee for thy sunny beams;
I thank thee, moon, for shining now so bright,
For, by the gracious, golden, glittering streams,
I trust to taste of truest Thisbe’s sight.
But stay, O spite!
But mark, poor knight,
What dreadful dole is here!
Eyes, do you see?
How can it be?
O dainty duck! O dear!
Thy mantle good,
What! stain’d with blood!
Approach, ye Furies fell!
O Fates, come, come,
Cut thread and thrum;
Quail, crush, conclude, and quell!
Li. This passion, and the death of a dear friend, would go near to make a man look sad.
Super. I pity the man.
Pyr. O! wherefore, Nature, didst thou lions frame?
Since lion vile hath here deflower’d my dear?
Which is—no, no—which was the fairest dame
That liv’d, that lov’d, that lik’d, that look’d with cheer.
Come tears, confound;
Out, sword, and wound
The pap of Pyramus:
Ay, that left pap,
Where heart doth hop:
Thus die I, thus, thus, thus. [Stabs himself.
Now am I dead,
Now am I fled;
My soul is in the sky:
Tongue, lose thy light!
Moon, take thy flight! [Exit MOONSHINE.]
Now die, die, die, die, die. [Dies.]
Tom No die, but an ace, for him; for he is but one, not six.
Trent Less than an ace, man, for he is dead; he is nothing.
Daria. With the help of a surgeon, he might recover, and prove an ass.
Super. Why is Moonshine is gone before Thisbe comes back and finds her lover?
Li. She will find him by starlight. Here she comes; and her passion ends the play. I hope.
[Re-enter THISBE.]
Super. I hope she will be brief.
Tom. Hope is fruitless. Did they not say the play is tedious?
Tom And so she moans—
This. Asleep, my love?
What, dead, my dove?
O Pyramus, arise!
Speak, speak! Quite dumb?
Dead, dead! A Tomb
Must cover thy sweet eyes.
These lily lips,
This cherry nose,
These yellow cowslip cheeks,
Are gone, are gone:
Lovers, make moan!
His eyes were green as leeks.
O, Sisters Three,
Come, come to me,
With hands as pale as milk;
Lay them in gore,
Since you have shore
With shears his thread of silk.
Tongue, not a word:
Come, trusty sword:
Come, blade, my breast imbrue: [Stabs herself.
And farewell, friends;
Thus Thisbe ends:
Adieu, adieu, adieu. [Dies.]
Li. Moonshine and Lion are left to bury the dead.
Tom Yes, and Wall too.
Jod. No, I assure you; the wall is down that parted their fathers. Will it please you to see the epilogue?
Li. No epilogue, please; for your play needs no excuse. Never excuse; for when the players are all dead, there need none to be blamed.
Daria. And this play is definitely something someone should be blamed for.
[Exit.All]
Act V. Scene II.
Enter UPCHUCK.
Upchuck. If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber’d here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
If you pardon, we will mend.
And, as I’m an honest Upchuck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to ’scape the serpent’s tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else Upchuck a liar call:
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And I shall restore amends. [Exit.]
“Argh!” Daria yelped as she sat up in bed. The clock read 2:23.
“That must have been some nightmare,” Jane muttered from the floor.
“Oh yeah. I’ll tell you all about tomorrow. You’re not going to believe this one…”
Daria’s Mid-Summer Night Dream is copyright March 2001 by Love Gordon and her buddy William S.