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2006-02-28: Whoops... over six months since last newsupdate... this turned out to be a not very "news"ish page after all.
So... what'a happened recently?
I love the new design on my main website, and it's been moved twice and can now be found at http://www.world-ahead.net/phoenixpaw/. I'm not the owner of Worldahead, but my Swedish girlfriend is.
That's another thing that's new in my life. I've got two girlfriends. Yes, they both know of the two relationships, and have given it "green light" so to speak. One lives in the US (at least for the time being... there's been talk of her moving to Sweden (a lot more than talk of me moving to the US)) and one in Sweden. I can't say that there's any real rivalry between them... they're too different, and too far appart for that. I'm very happy to have found them both.
Another piece of news that I haven't posted anything about is that I've moved. I no longer live in "sjalvdo"... i mean "skovde".

I've been thinking of moving this from a news-page to a WEBlog... (gosh how I dislike those who that are so ego they leave out the "WE" in 'Blogs. LiveJournals I'm fine with though.) Don't think I'll write much or often, if more than a few "keeping up the skill of weblogging".

Anyway... I'm idling my time away here. Reading, surfing the web, walking or biking around, eating, being with my girlfriend...
While I am having a good time there's something missing.
And I suspect I'll be missing something/someone (else) once I get back home to Sweden.

2005-06-07: Hmm... What's new? I have hired a friend to help me out with the design and... I'm sure it'll be well worth it.
One of the things it'll mean is that the layout of my main-site will (by the look of things right now) change drasticly... and yet not much at all.
There will still be a low image count.
The design will still be simple, from the casual visitors perspective.
The organisation of things will probably be -quite- different.

I'm confident that my friend will make it all look good, and work well. If you would, against all propability, not be able to view my site... well, then I'm surpriced you found this page. Anyhow, if you can se this but not my main-page, send an email to "Phoenixpaw at hotmail dot com" asap, and I'll get right on to it.

2005-0?-??: *sighs* I don't know what date it is... I don't really care.
I miss my girlfriend... a lot. I wish I could have stayed longer, but... not economicly feasible. So... Been back in Sweden a couple of days now, and I'm walking around in a bit of a daze.

2004-10-03: I'm sitting at a cafe that provides internet access, and I have my beloved D's laptop to write this. She's currently at work, and I am humouring her roommate by staying away from the house since it's his b-day. So far the visit to the US have been a success. Have had a lot of fun, and seens a lot of interesting things. The Redwoods are just amazing. Well...
ah... lunchbreak.
poor creature, working on a sunday... but it's her own choice, and it is good money. Can't wait until we're home alone again. We have so much fun together, even if we're not doing anything.

2004-09-05: Count down have now reached single digit days untill I am going to visit my dear beloved D. For the last two weeks some days are just normal days, nothing special. Other day have been... Bouncy with eager nervousness. If that makes sense. If not, they still have. :-)
WEEEEEEEE!!!

2004-03-25: Ok... I'm settled down. Somewhat anyway. I think.
Geeze... I miss her. A lot. No, I mean it. I miss my visitor A LOT!
What? You don't know what I'm talking about? Well, I had a visitor here for ten days. Wonderful days. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world... except for a longer visit from her.

*sighs*
Miss her... my love, my heart...

2004-02-07: the "behind the masks and veils" from a web-diary.

To: whoever it may concern

My life have been so filled with masks and veils that I had to wear to survive that...
well, I forgot who was beneath it all.
And when I begun discarding the lying, the lies and the pretending I found that I did not know me.
It’s been, and still is at times, a painful process to heal and reclaim my own strength and "pride"/integrity.

So unused to be able to say "No",
and have someone, anyone, respect it.

Don’t expect me to ever shout "NO!" (unless it’s an ovious life and death situation)
Listen for the whisper, no louder than a breath.
Or hidden among the words without meaning.

Or run with your steel-boot all over my life, without reguard of who I am, what I think or how I feel.
Like so many others have done.

How easy do you think it is for me to claim my integrity, my right to -my- privacy, when no one have ever shown me what "respect" is supposed to mean?

So, don’t listen to me.
Live your life according to your rules, and cut down those who won’t yield to your progress.
And never mind those who are left behind, bleeding. Dying.
Those not as strong as yourself.
Like me.
Who could not force you to follow someone elses will.

This thorn-rose bush can be handled in two ways.
Either with axes, chainsaws and heavy leather.
Or with a light touch and at a most secateurs / pruning shears.
For this rose have grown up in an enviroment where everything have wanted its sap for their own pleasure.
Surpriced if the thorns are long and sharp?
The blossoms that have been allowed to bloom have more often than not been stolen without anything being returned as thanks.

/Someone in the shadows.

2003-09-22: Urklipp från en dagbok
---*---
Jag har ont just nu.
Det värker i händerna, armarna och läpparna.
Av längtan att hålla i , hålla om, och viska öma ord till, någon.
Mitt hjärta har (ett?) mål... men som inte kan nås.
Visst... Jag har fått kramar... "nät / online" kramar...
som om de skulle hjälpa.
(Jag kan inte nå dig...)
Jag vill hålla om dig (inte låtsas).
---*---

2003-07-31: Suck. Va' <bleep> är det för <bleep> fel på Skövde? Eller är det mig det är fel på? Ni Skövdebor verkar ju för <bleep> avsky tanken på att folk utifrån också skulle kunna söka vänner.

Satt i spel-lokalen en kväll när folk pillade med rollfigurer. Så jag frågade om när, var hur det skulle spelas och så... svaren var minst sagt vaga. Sen, ett par-tre dagar senare när man kommer förbi, jo då är det full gång på spelandet. Ingen kommentar om varför man inte blev tillfrågad om man ville vara med eller så... åh nej... inte ens det fick man.

Jag börjar nästa undra om Skövde-bor sätter en ära i att frysa ute inflyttade.

2003-07-26: "Ovanor och en fråga"

Varför kan jag inte bli av med mina förbannade ovanor?

Framför allt då de att inte (alltid) tala klartext och "bättre avvisande än avvisad".
Ingen verkar ju fatta vad jag menar när jag skriver "mellan raderna"... de ord som hamnar "på raderna" verkar ju alltid uppfattas som skarpt avvisande.

Är folk dumma?

Skulle inte tro det, för annar skulle de ju inte klara av att använda LunarStorm.

Är folk ovana att möta mig?

Mycket troligare.
Till att börja med har inte det stora flertalet fått lära sig av klass"kompisar" (och annat löst folk på skolorna) att de inte ens är skit värda.
Och sen när man väl har börjat återhämtningen så hamnar först den ena föräldern på dödsbädden (och klarar sig) och sedan den andre...
Under tiden så bryr sig folk runt om kring inte för att de inte fattar att man mår dåligt.

Ok, jag kanse har viss del i att folk runt omkring inte märkte något, då skådespeleri och lögner är något man blir förbannat bra på om man överlever det helvete som jag hade under grundskolan.
Jag använde mig till och med av "Lazarus Long"s ("Time enough for love" av Robert Heinlein) två regler för framgångsrikt ljugande, utan att ens känna till dem.

Är det då så jävla konstigt om man inte är världens muntraste person som välkomnar alla, kända som okända, som ens nära vänner och konfidanter?

Så, hur ska man reagera när någon man inte känner igen hävdar att de är en gammal klasskamrat och att de är "oglada" för att man avvisat deras erbjudna hand?
(Svar är välkomna i så väl Lunar-gästbok som e-brev.)

2003-05-31: Still no news on the moving front... *sighs* And I who want to move soon.

2003-05-03: It looks like I might move back to my previous appartment in a couple of months. This move won't be as sudden as the previous one.

2003-04-23: This was earlier a part of page about me but as of the change it became a page all of it's own.

2002-11-01: Again I've let my website go untended for a long time. Well, I did work on it, I just didn't uploaded the changes. After all, they didn't contribute to the site, and they were revoked. Most notable of the changes not done is the useage of frames. Yea, I converted my entire site to use frames... and then scrapped that version. One change that did make it was the placement of links. I've now grouped the links at the top of the page as well as bottom.

2002-06-01: I'm still giving my web-site an overhaul and are going through each and every page. Major Changes? No.
(The overhaul took 2 and a half month.)

2002-04-09: Thank you Ajas for the information on "Dark Night of the Soul". It's almost uncanny how you manage to dig up and post to the e-list just the things I need. Sure, I've been back on my feet a couple of weeks now, but I've been too occupied with other things to post my thanks here. Now that I'm doing a "reworking" of my entire site I sneaked this part in as well.

2002-02-10: Are we reduced to nothing more than unintelligent consumers of sensations, such as detailed graphics, or are we seeking ways to grow as humans? The beastly would complain that this is an unfair question. I say it is not! True is that one can grow through what he or she experience through sensations, but there are limits to that. If humanity is to take the next step we must see beyond the self. This *I* have basic biological needs that has to be fulfilled for this individual to survive. *I* am not going to give up my individuality for the sake of a supreme over-mind. That does not mean I will refuse to learn what it may have to teach.
---
I know my self, AND I know the self of others. I know what I have been, what I am, and what I may become. How many can say truthfully say the same about themselves? So who knows what it means to be me? None but those who share the same memories from walking in my shoes. Oh Ghaya, when will this end?

2001-12-08: I'm about to move. Or at least I plan to move in the beginning of next year. I'll move to a larger apartment in a larger town. Of cause there's a slight fear of losing friends and not gaining any new, but there are benefits of making the move as well. As for my studies so far it's gone well. I've actually found one who claims to be a "hobby-Witch" (umm... is the person a witch or not?), and also a "student" of the art who (inadvertently) taught me a few things about myself. *pause for reflection* Some days ago my "sister" asked me why I haven't written anything about my visit to the USA here. A good question to which I have no good answer. Here's the story in short; The 15th June 2000CE I flew from the Swedish capitol (Stockholm) to one of the east-coast states of the US, namely North Carolina. I stayed there for a month and enjoyed the stay a lot. Now I understand the logic behind why all Americans takes the car everywhere. I still think it's wasteful, but I understand their logic. The one thing I missed was that I neither visited nor was visited by the queen who then owned my heart. The flight home was quite educating. It's a tale in itself. Perhaps I'll tell it some day.

2001-07-22: I'm going back to "Hjo Folkhögskola" for one last year (I hope). I can't refuse the opportunity to take a "rhetoric course" they have there. I applied for it before the summer-break began. I hope I will have greater "luck" in dealing with my oddity at the school. I don't consider me THAT odd, but in the eyes of the fellow students and the school personnel I'm somewhat strange.

To contact me:
You can send an e-mail to "Phoenixpaw at hotmail dot com" if there is anything you wonder about. Feel free to ask ANYTHING! Honest questions will receive honest answers. No, I will not lie, although I might answer "I don't want to answer", if it's too personal, or "I don't know", if that is the case.

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