Thought for the day

OK, here’s the scene, your partner is not picking up after himself. When he has a shower he leaves the towel on the floor, leaving you to collect it later. He’s done it before and you may feel like saying, (in a raised and shrieking voice) " I AM SICK TO DEATH" of you leaving that towel on the floor. I don’t know why you are so lazy and why it is that you just can’t pick it up!What's wrong with you?"
Feeling better? Have you made your point? Stop.

STOP NOW

You may feel that in your anger (or so called honesty) you have made an assertive statment. But I suggest that clearly, you haven't. Instead you've yelled yelling, you've told your partner He's lazy and there's been no agreement as to what will happen next time

This is an example of exactly what NOT to say.
A good typical assertion statement is thoughtful. It sometimes involves saying "no". It is clear and unambiguous. It does not personalize, and sometimes, there is a consequence to be incurred if a request isn’t followed.

If you’re having trouble getting your point across, here’s some helpful hints to be mindful of: ,

1. Firstly, be clear about the point that you wish to make. Know what it is that you want to say and keep your statement short and clear.
2. Next, make sure what you think and feel are the focus of the statement. Statements like "you always do this to me..", "you don't care..", "I hate you.. " can seriously engage an argument and do nothing toward making your point. Instead try, "I feel annoyed when you do that..". This is focused, it allows you to express what you feel, and does not generate resentment.

3. Good assertive statements are respectful. This means no swearing, no criticizing, and no putting down of the person concerned. These statements are exemplified by their objectivity and simplicity. They identify behaviors that irritate, but they do not belittle the person committing them.
4. They are solution focused. The intent of your statement should be to find a solution that you both agree to. Suggest your own ideas, but be open to the suggestions of others. You may try, ‘Before you leave the bathroom, can you check it’s tidy?", or "…if you remember to do it tomorrow morning , I’ll make you a cup of coffee…," along those lines. Or you can perhaps get your partner to come up with his own idea’s "…what will help you to remember to hang it up?" It’s important to remember this is your problem (i.e. you’ve identified it), as such the onus is on you to start the discussion and do what you can to find a solution. Be mindful that anything you suggest may be rejected and that the ideas of the party concerned are more likely to acted upon.
   Let's try that statement again: "I find it annoying when you leave your towel on the floor after your shower, as it stays wet. What can you do to make sure you remember to hang it up next time?
   To summarize, this is clear, it does not seek to denigrate the person concerned, is solution focused and throws the responsibility to the other person

   What to do if behaviors further don't change

   . The most effective assertion statements offer some consequence if an identified behavior doesn’t change.
   Let me give you an example: Suppose you've spoken to your significant other, and he does it again (and let’s assume there’s a history of it). You may then approach him and say, "You've left the towel on the floor again and it really irritates me. How about if you do it one more time I refuse to do your washing?"
   Note the difference in this statement it contains a consequence. This is something you will do if they don't follow through on what you ask. You are now applying psychological pressure for behavior change, and should expect some resentment .
   Also, if you do prescribe a consequence, you should be prepared to act on it if the case arises. There's no backing down on what you've said, you've actually got to show that you meant what you said by doing itConsistency of purpose is the key to this, but please, if you are thinking of adding consequences, think carefully as, used well this could be an excellent tool for behavior change. Used badly, you could end up with more conflict than what you can cope with.
   

   Posted by wa3/wayneostler at 8:12 AM EST
   Updated: Sunday, 11 April 2004 1:47 AM EDT
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