Dear
Santa,
I've been a good mom all year.
I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my three children
on demand, visited the doctor's office more than
my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to
raise money to plant a shade tree on the school
playground and figured out how to attach nine
patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with
staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over
several Christmases, since I had to write this
letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a
receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and
who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the
next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a
day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don't flap in
the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a
screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the
grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine
somewhere in the seventh month of my last
pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd
like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and
a radio that only plays adult music; a television
that doesn't broadcast any programs containing
talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret
compartment behind the crisper where I can hide
to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking
daughter doll that says,"Yes, Mommy" to
boost my parental confidence, along with one
potty-trained toddler, three kids who don't
fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all
the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks
chanting, "Don't eat in the living
room" and "Take your hands off your
brother," because my voice seems to be just
out of my children's hearing range and can only
be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Play-Doh Travel Pack,
the hottest stocking stuffer this year for
mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble
on any carpet making the In-laws' house seem just
like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products,
I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and
comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury
of eating food warmer than room temperature
without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind I could also use a few
Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday
season. Would it be too much trouble to declare
ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience
immensely.
It would be helpful if you
could coerce my children to help around the house
without demanding payment as if they were the
bosses of an organized crime family; or if my
toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs
to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at
midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing
and my son saw my feet under the laundry room
door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a
safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by
the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire
so you don't catch cold.
Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't
eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, MOM
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my
requests if you can keep my children young enough
to believe in you.
~ Author Unknown ~
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