clean and organize belongings and space
July 27th
i really like this journal keeping format. today got off
work at 6am, bought one big beer, and a box of sleeping
pills. have to decide when to start getting shit together
again.
i will decide later.
getting my downloads going again. kazaa is a fount
of resources. i am getting a good software collection
on top of my growing music collection. probably
less work to pay for it all, but this is fun, like a
hobby with results.
July 28th
hey all, suppose to work a double. means i have to get
to sleep pretty quick. once again, a big beer (budweiser)
and only 2 sleeping pills today. downloads are going
great, got paintshop pro7 yesterday. i have no artistic
talent, yet feel compelled to create some form of cartoons,
about what i don't know. said today i would pick a day.
monday. starting monday morning i will go clean, start
diet, begin excercise, and start cleaning my space.
July 30th
08:35:13
no big changes. tho did get a six pack today, old 8,
16 oz'ers. just ate 4 sleeping pills so should be asleep
around 9 or 930. after tonight get 2 nights off. will see
when i get my check. of course want to do one more
binge, even tho it will have to be small. but need a new
rig. want to get the gist from a book i finished the other
night in here. it was stephan baxter i think, candle. page 97.
about having enough food to feed the world, but we don't,
having the ability to repair the earth, but we don't, etc.
July 31st
12:50:04
today and tomorrow off. steve just stopped by, gave me a hit
off his pipe. i was asleep when he got here, wasn't expecting
him, but probably would have called him later today, since i
will probably get paid tomorrow morning. i sure hate the after
feeling, but the rush i get is an orgasm in its own class. i
like to hold the hit in as long as possible, so i almost pass
out when i let it go. only have one very very dull syringe, so
if i do get any tomorrow, will probably waste most of it trying
to get that killer hit. and i am always afraid of dying these
days, so i take smaller hits than i use to, then feel cheated.
but this is it. i will never use again starting monday. and
rather than try to affect all these small changes, going to jump
right in. diet, job, etc.
i would like to add some photos to this journal.
August 11th
sorry about the missing days. funny how fast things add up. let's
see, monday came, i quit the, but pam asked me to hold off on
diet for one more week so we could do a weekend of eating out,
one of her favorite pastimes. not sure if i mentioned earlier
about the numbness in my fingertips. in my left hand, started with
the pinkie, but now about half of hand is numb, always. very
limited dexteriety in the affected parts also. figured probably
tendonitis, and i just ignored it, it will either go away, or not.
now 5 nights ago, when i woke up from an hour nap before work,
my neck shoulder hurt so bad i was crying. the muscles were
cramping as i watched, charlie horse after charlie horse formed. i
don't know how, but i went to work, refusing to call in 1/2 hour
before my shift started. i figured probably pulled a muscle, it
would go away.
has been five nights now, i have almost no
mobility in my entire left arm and shoulder, and is spreading to my
neck and back. i am in unbearable pain at all times, eating about
60 aspirin a day. i think the aspirin is messing me up, it makes my
lips numb, and my hearing gets messed up, like i am under water or
in a tunnel. pam is going to make me go to the doctor tomorrow, but
i don't have insurance, so only expect to get a big bill. haven't
used. am taking mass sleeping pills to get to sleep, and call me
naive, but don't consider that use at this point. the pain is so
intense i am lucky to get an hour sleep, and it is bad.
i quit my job today. they were rather shocked. so am i i think.
it is so easy to preach to everyone what to do, but sure can be
difficult to follow my own advise. i want to find a job i approve of.
doesn't necessarily have to be noble, but also don't want something
that to me seems inheritantly evil, like working for an oil company.
this is going to be a hard time to find a job, because i can't even
tie my own shoes right now, but for some reason i am feel peace
August 14th
04:28:49
hello,
not sure where i left off the other day.
i quit my job. it felt good, liberating. no one seems to really believe
you can quit jobs on principle. pam is mad of course. i quit last
friday morning (today is wednesday) and funny thing is yesterday got a
call of territory manager asking me if i wanted to get into management.
and sandy the assistant manager has been calling, wants me to contact
big whigs and explain why i quit. it is nice to know thru such a simple
act you can make a statement. now i a new dilemna for me. should i pursue
a management job? i am in serious financial straights. have to think hard
about it.
my arm. i am scared.
it has been over a week, and i hurt. can't sleep, cry, everyone is sick of
listening to me. and until it gets better there is no job i can do. it
will not take long before homeless if this doesn't change.
and it hurts
i know this isn't how it works, but i have been drinking beers the last
few days. there is now pleasure here. there isn't much i wouldn't do to
dull this pain. went to emergency room, said maybe pinched nerve, maybe
infection. wouldn't test for either because i have no insurance. gave me
a bottle of percocet and a bottle of valium. both gone, and i am still
in pain. i have another dr appointment tomorrow. if they can't figure
something out, i am going to start lookiing into street heroin or
morphine. i know that will probably be the end of me but fuck, if this
pain is the new norm for me, i would rather be dead anyway.
August 16th
21:31:28
fuck. okay my arm is healing. still alot of pain, would be hard to
start any new job right now, but i am going to live. chevron called
me to offer me a management position. guess they didn't get the word
that i had quit. tonight is friday night. have a half case beer in
fridge. mom sent me a $100, which really shocked me. guess she is so
proud of me for going clean.
spent a very large part of the day deciding to spend it on dope, but
then spur of the moment went and paid my recently expired auto
insurance with it. now i can drive to look for work.
dilemnas:
should i call chevron and try to get the management job? i don't want
to at all, feel so good about finally making a true moral decision,
but the morality of my financial responsibility is very real.
and i have to get back off the beer. haven't started diet either, as
a matter of fact becoming one of those fat gluttonous people. feel
like i am getting ready to go on a fasting diet, so i had better eat
as much as i can as fast as i can.
well, going back and looking at my first posting here, goals, helps.
i will not take the chevron job. is going to make pam mad but i guess
i am always going to be making someone mad. and the diet thing isn't
that big of a deal. it is a diet i let my body choose for me before,
and i enjoy it, and it works. get in shape means some excercise. i
have some ideas but they seem kind of silly so i will wait a bit to
put them in pixels. and the easiest of them all should be cleaning my
space. damn, am i that lazy? yes. yes i am. and it is so pathetic, i
am so pathetic.
there is more. i want photos. i want to document my diet. and do want
to get all this up in a controlled bulletin board format. am so
impressed with this keynote. seems like it should be relatively easy
to convert to a html format, but i have never set up a bulletin board,
so probably something already established. oh well.
oh, one last thing, i think i am going to have to start setting small
goals, maybe one to three day goals. just an idea. something to get/keep
me moving forward.
August 18th
09:03:20
well i set up a space at angelfire to post this at. first have to convert
it to html, but would like to eventually have it a limited bulletin board
also, so people if they ever actually do look at it can respond.
also, guess today is officially day one for me. time to get back on track.
going to spend the day with pam and dinelle today, just take the ferry and
eat lunch at the park. my arm is still pretty messed up but i have to start
looking for a job tomorrow. mom sent me $100 which was total shock. i used
it to re instate my car insurance, which had expired about a week ago. no
matter what i have to be working somewhere by the end of the week.
August 19th
today is day to get back off ass. going to find number to safeway job i was
looking at before and see if that leads anywhere. also have to call to see
about disabillity or something. can't really see how i can take a job when
i still virtually have no use of my right arm and if i jar it or anything i
scream in pain, but if i don't do something fast will be homeless very soon.
not sure if i mentioned it before but drinking really adds to my cough. makes
me suspect i have some allergy to alcohol. later today hopefully going to
start converting this to an html format. sure wish i could go to school for
some computer stuff, but i have to believe if i keep moving forward and keep
my eyes open i will find good things ahead in life.
August 21st
05:01:04
i went to an na meeting with patricia monday night.
it was very nice to visit with her, she is one of my
favorite people.
dinelle is up on the phone, making a fair amount of
noise, woke me up. would sure like a beer about now.
was thinking the same thing yesterday, so looks like
3 or 4 days is about how long it takes me to start
craving again. also, yesterday while cleaning my
room, found a glass that had some residue in it. not
sure why but next thing i knew i am scraping it like a
mad man. when i was done i got a good hit of baking
soda for my efforts. i am glad. don't know what i was
thinking.
arm hurts
August 24th
17:30:36
decided to drink the other day, so started with a couple of big
beers. then got a 6 pack, then another 6 pack, then while
toasted called up a buddy and said i wanted a freebie. he
said to head and over and he got me pretty toasted,
smoking.
here is the part i want to understand. i can remember when
i decided i wanted a beer, no decided i wanted, decided i
was going to. i felt parts of my brain shut down, the parts that
would have stopped me. and once i am drunk that is the end
of all control.
i am going to go to meetings, and i have to get a sponsor,
and work a program; i am hoping to go again with patricia,
and use that as a springboard. while at the meeting i need to ask
for a temp sponsor.
-also, today is rachel's birthday. 13th,
--arm still hurts, but will always, so i am just going to pretend it
doesn't. will call on the safeway job tuesday, (need a few days to
get my system clean again for a ua.)
oh god, now i have to go and redo clean date on web sight. oh well.
August 27th
08:43:32
and here we go... again.
beer in hand
i build a house, then use it as kindling for a bonfire that only sizzles.
and then i am depressed, but is a cycle, tho lengthening, still
a cycle. so i fearlessly start over.
this is maybe first time i didn't knock the tower over, but fell it
did. and i am just realizing how much it affected me.
i am putting myself into a bad place. stop stop stop.
beer in hand
August 28th
09:58:02
went and hung with patricia and her son yesterday evening.
the plan was to do a meeting, but after we walked around
Greenlake, we decided to pass. it was a very pleasant en-
joyable time. also i got my scanner working so i was able to
scan the pic of her and her son.
my dealer stopped by her home. i was concerned about how
this might turn out, but i should have had more confidence in
both of them.
i am still or again drinking beer. using the last of my pennies
and nickles for such. next i will have to roll up my wheat
pennies.
just got out of bed. my arm is only at a dull ache so far. when
it is like this can be the worst, because i can forget, and try
to use it, and that is when i hurt myself. mobility is very
limited with it.
i am going to check on a few jobs today. 7-11, safeway, and
cabulance.
also if i can find the energy which seems to be dwindling lately
would like to bathe dog, lord knows she needs it.
August 29th
12:58:11
gee, i've never done anything like that before.
today is day one. yay!!
also is day 4 for the diet, which is going well.
rice and beans, with about an ounce of meat a day. cooking
a different bean every day, but cook them with dried
habanero skins. other than a tad of salt to the rice no other
spices. drinking water as beverage. also a vegetable here
and there. suppose i should find some sort of fruit intake.
arm hurts. i have decided to embrace the pain, learn to enjoy
it. the ecstacy of agony.
