GENTLE BOY
This one's for the gentle boy who wrestles with his pain,
His easy-bruising tender heart,
And ever-active brain.
He feels much more than others do,
but then he tries to hide,
With laughter or bravado,
The gentle boy inside.
With wit and style and artifice
His secret's kept so well.
Who dreams the brave facade you see
Conceals some private Hell?
Meanwhile, the brutes live on and on
Their unexamined lives.
The low, the stupid and the cruel,
the sluggish idiot thrives.
To fill the world with empty talk
And greed and hate and noise,
To breed, carouse, and make life Hell
For all the gentle boys.
Some gentle boys grow heartsick
And tired of this charade.
They blow themselves right off this Earth,
Or fight, then fail, then fade.
If you should love a gentle boy
There's little you can do.
If he decides his time has come,
He'll leave the Earth and you.
He cannot see that if he goes
You'll never fill that space,
You'll spend your whole life searching
For that laugh, that kiss, that face.
How can the gentle boy not know You love him beyond death,
You'd help him anyway you could,
Unto your dying breath?
Someday when justice reigns on Earth
We all may greet with Joy
A world where it won't hurt so much
To be a gentle boy.
By Mary Withers, William's Mom
January 7, 2003
What was unique about Michael? Everything. I adored his smile, the twinkle in his eyes. Just the way he said grandma. He loved to turn up the music in his car just as he was approaching home. The windows would rattle.
I'd give anything to have him back in his baggy pants and the eyebrow ear ring that I hated so.
January 20, 2003
My Dear Sweet Baby,
Since it's a "fine line" as to the actual date you died (20th or 21st) I'm writing today because it's a quiet day and a holiday from work.
I'm getting better. I finally stopped crying EVERY day. Down to a now and then "moment", today being one of those days.
The hardest part is, this is the longest I have gone without a word from you. A letter or phone call. Oh, God how I miss you. It hurts so bad. No one understands my pain, maybe your mom. I know you must be sorry because you loved your mom so much you would'nt have hurt her for anything. She is in so much pain.
I'm remembering a fun time. You were 2 going on 3years. I had a mail route in the country and one day I stopped by the house and picked you up and took you with me after I had picked up my load of mail. We spent the whole day together. You were having so much fun and so full of questions. I even let you put the mail in the boxes. We did it again and again and wouldn't the US Mail have a fit if they knew??????
I'm remembering the times I came to visit when you had moved over the mountain. When you knew I was coming you'd sit out on the front steps, even if it meant all day of sitting there. Oh, those hugs were so wonderful. I could sure use one today.
The Penny...was that from you? Pennies from Heaven? I'd sure like to think so, especially since it was a 1980 penny. I haven't looked for signs from you although like many of my new found friends, I sure could use one. I just need to know your alright.
Well, my pumpkin, the flood gates have opened up and I can't see to type anymore.
I love you, love you for ever and ever, amen
Grandma
February 12, 2003
Dearest Michael,
On Friday I was driving through the drive-in at Jack In The Box and thought of you. Tears started down my face and I had to compose myself when they asked for my order.
Life goes on I know, but you are so missed. Your cousins miss you, your aunts and Uncle miss you...everyone misses you.
Had breakfast with your mom and Aunt Rosie this morning at the Palace. I thought it would be fun to get together and see where we all stood at this time. We are all trying to stay busy so don't see as much of each other as we used to.
Your mom is set financially because you thought to take out a Life Insurance policy for her at your job. She got her money, but we'd all rather have YOU.
She has finally gone for drivers training, the one thing you were always after her to do. I think she rather enjoys it.
Sadie says to say "helllo". You see, you were going to inherit her so now what am I supposed to do?
March 15, 2003
My Darling Baby Boy,
It's been a long while since I've written. I really thought I was getting better and didn't have to write so much, but here I am on a Saturday afternoon in total tears. Everywhere I go I see you. In the sunsets, sunrises, streets of Ellensburg, in the stars and I could go on and on.
My heart hurts so much. Not only do I miss you terribly but I feel your mothers pain as well. You see my sweet, a mother feels her childrens' pain and so wishes she could "fix things". I can't fix this!
Not long ago the doctors gave me just 5 years because of my damaged heart and kidneys and I was almost joyful! It meant I could soon see you because life has not been the same since you left.
I have poured myself into my job counting off each day. It helps me not have to think so much. Knowing I should retire but thinking I can't do without the security of a job. But then my sister, your Aunt Joanne, just happened to send this little ditty:
FAMILY
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow,
the company that we are working for could easily
replace us in a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
for the rest of their lives.
And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
into work than into our own family.
An unwise investment indeed, don't you think?
So I took a new look at myself and decided Heaven could wait awhile. :)
I'm going to Oregon the 23rd to visit Aunt Kimmie and you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to step into the closet where you took your last breath. I could'nt do it in July, I could barley make myself go into your bedroom. This time I'm going to though. I know your not there but I have to do this for myself.
I've been out of the loop as far as FFOS goes and the sad thing is there are so many new people here and I have'nt been gone that long.
Well, I'm feeling some better. Hug yourself and as Kristi tells Susan "sleep with the angels my baby".
I love you, adore you and miss you,
Grandma
March 30, 2003
My trip to Oregon this week was hectic to say the least.
My first night there I was given the bedroom next to the room Michael had when he lived there. As I layed there waiting for everyone to go to bed so I could venture into the next room and stand in the closet where Michael took his last breath, I felt his presence next to me. I felt him lay beside me and I didn't want to move.
Finally I said "my baby please go and rest among the angels. You no longer need to be here". With that I felt a "breeze"? "breath"? something air like, and he was gone.
I didn't attempt to go into the closet that night but went into his bedroom the next day only to find they had repainted the entire room and closet and it held bicycles, exercise equipment and in the closet lumber to remodel with. Michael was definatly not there.
My daughter, Michael's mom was very upset when I told her, but I reminded her it was not our home and they had the right to do with it as they wished. I had my moment with Michael and he has gone among the angels now. He will never return I'm sure, but it's ok because I had a last moment with him.
He is always and will always be in my heart, my memories of him are good ones and though there are those who sometimes want to say hurting things about him, never understood him to begin with. He doesn't hurt anymore and no more black days for him. No more beating himself up over something very trivial. No more anger, no more hurt.
I miss you more than you will ever know.
April 20, 2003
My Dearest Michael, My heart breaks today because there is no Easter Basket for you sitting here among the other baskets. You loved getting your basket. Your mom is having a hard time right now and I can't fix it. Mom's are supposed to fix things, but I can't fix THIS! I miss you so much. I didn't go to church today because I cry too much and people don't understand why. So I sit at home and cry and wonder. Where did we all go wrong? What could we have done to "fix" you, to make things better for you. I didn't know how down you were because everyone kept saying you were happy and enjoying your new job and car. Obviously that was not true. So you hung a rope over a rafter and went to sleep forever. Not fair Mike NOT FAIR AT ALL. You left us all here to sit and cry and hurt and wonder why. I love you with all my heart and I miss you more than any words could explain. Happy Easter my favorite bunny.
Grandma
May 4, 2003
My Precious Baby, Today is Grandma Browns' birthday and it brings back so many memories. She loved you so much. Remember the cookie jar? But of course you do. You and your brother loved going to her house. She gave such great hugs and she smelled good and most of all she kept the cookie jar full. You knew right where it was, as did Christopher, and would head for the kitchen and point. She thought that was so funny. I miss her. Is she with you? I'll bet she scolded you! It's raining today and rather cold for May Kind of fits my mood. Funny how a sunny day can make the blues go away. Everyday your watch beeps at me right at 12:15pm. Why was it set to go off at that time? Wake up call? Well, it wakes ME up to the fact that your no longer here and your not coming back. So final. I love you baby and I guess time doesn't heal like I thought it would. Have you met any of the children and family of my new friends of this support group? I love these people but I wish I could have known them for another reason. Oh, your mom went to Uncle Rick's today. He is building a memorial falls and we are going to dedicate it to you this summer on your first memorial day. She went to see how it was going. Uncle Rick is having a real hard time with this and he won't talk about what happened. Guess this is his way of sharing his feelings or something. Sleep with the angels.
Grandma
June 7, 2003
Hello My Dear Sweet Boy,
Looking back over almost 11 months of letters to you, I am finding I am healing somewhat. I don't write every day, or even every week, but once a month now. I no longer cry every day. That doesn't mean I don't have my moments though.
Another birthday went by for me and we are celebrating this weekend because Aunt Kim is passing this way Sunday. She is going to a Christian seminar in Leavenworth for a week and will spend the night here with me. I really miss her.
The office celebrated my birthday with balloons and gifts. One gift was a cute chubby angel holding a little dog. I will put her among "your" angels around your picture. I will send the balloons to you this weekend and we can celebrate together. One is blue with big white daisies on it. It's my favorite.
I was in the hospital for 10 days but I think you knew that. I called to you when the pain got so intense.....no idea why, it just came out. The nurse asked about you and the "other grandchildren". No one understands, no one that is outside my support group. They've all been there so they know. Of course your mom understands, but she lives in her own world now.
Jake and Larry stopped by last Sunday to say Happy Birthday. Larry has a new girlfriend. She seems very nice.
I have been helping another grandmother whom I met in the discussion room. Her name is Sue and she is in great pain also. Her grandson was just 19yrs old. She is so wonderful and we hope to meet some day as she has a son who lives in Washington about 3 hrs. from here.
Oh, Michael how deeply I hurt for you. I miss your smile, the twinkle in your eyes and........you.
I love you,
Grandma
June 21, 2003
Dearest Michael,
Today is Saturday, June 21st and It's been 11 months since you left us. That ache just never seems to go away. I miss you so much.
Tomorrow I am going to Uncle Ricks' to see how the waterfalls are coming along. Today he said he was out looking for more rocks. I'm anxious to see how it's coming along.
Every day your watch alarm goes off and I take a moment to talk to you. Are you listening?
Another Michael wrote to me today. He talked about how close he was to HIS grandma. That was neat to hear. They are best friends just like us. He lost someone special too and we met because of FFOS.
Work is going ok. No raises again this year and they are thinking of letting the part time people go. I certainly hope I'm not on that list. I'm hoping to go back East in the fall and I need to keep working so I can do that.
Your mom seems better, at least she was last Sunday when she stopped by. The boys went to Nevada to visit their dad and I'm not sure what the Oregon bunch is up to.
It's really late and I know this is rather short, but I need to go to bed. Just had to visit a moment.
I love you so much and miss you desperatly.
Grandma
Remembering Michael- Angel date 2004
Today has been a very sad day for me. I got up early and went to the top of Craigs Hill just as the sun was coming up and sent a handful of balloons to Michael. I then found a picnic table and sat and watched as the balloons went higher and higher and then completely out of sight.
I took this time to reflect on Michael's life as only I saw him.
Michael was such a kind person. My second marriage was to a man who Michael looked up to and called Grandpa. When this grandpa had to go into a nursing home, Michael would stop by almost daily to visit him and at times brought his friends along. They'd all sit outside and just enjoy each others company, swapping stories, usually about fishing. Michael was in his teens then.
I picked Craig Hill today because it was here that I drove Michael one day so we could see how the "other half lived". The homes here are owned by doctors and lawyers. On this particular day as we drove around looking at the homes, Michael said "someday I'm going to buy a house just like these for you and mom". I was touched beyond words.
I remember saying to him once that I hoped my little Sadie went before me because no one in the family wanted her and I was truly concerned about her care. Michael said "I'll take her grandma" and I thanked him 20,000 fold.
This was the Michael I knew. I never saw his anger and never heard him lash out at his mom or aunt, but I heard about it. I heard he was depressed and on medications and then heard he refused to take them but we never talked about it. Michael knew I adored him and he never allowed anyone to say anything against him to me. We were perfect in each others eyes.
Today I know that was not the case. No one is perfect. I had set him up on a pedestal as I did my dad. He was my world and I chose to put blinders on so as not to notice his depression or to try and understand how he must have been feeling. People must have been exagerating about his "mean" spells.
Oh, dear God how I miss him. I'm having that same ache in my chest that I had when I lost him. I hurt so bad.
Michael was a gift from God, but a gift I would have for just 21 short years. He was a wonderful, handsome, caring boy and I miss him terribly.
Thank you my angel for loving me.
Grandma
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