I've lost my grandchild, I hear myself say,
And the person I'm talking to just turns away.
Now why did I tell them, I don't understand.
It wasn't for sympathy or to get a helping hand.
I just want them to know I've lost something so dear.
I want them to know that my grandchild was here.
And left something behind which no one can see.
They made just two people into a family.
So, if I've upset you, I'm sorry as can be.
You'll have to forgive me, I could not resist.
I just want you to know that my grandchild did exist.
~Author Unknown~
IF I KNEW
If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for just one more.
If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming that you knew it.
If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike.
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.
~Author Unknown~
Personal Journal of Jean Adams
Letters to Mike
August 14, 2002
Dear Michael,
On July 21st of 2002 you went to Heaven and left me here all alone to grieve for you. You broke my heart. Everyday gets a tiny bit better but then your face comes to mind and I start crying all over again.
Are you with PaPa? Have you seen Great Grandpa and Grandma Newton? What about your cousin David?
What am I to do? I try to act normal but just like right now, the tear s start flowing down and won’t stop. I found a lock of your hair from your first haircut..
I got your letters via instant messaging. I suppose you won’t be back for awhile. You have no idea what you’ve done to this family who loved you so. Your mother is having such a hard time, but you must have known that would have happened.
Kimmy seems to think you were mad at her and Scott about the races. Now ,that would be a stupid reason to end your life wouldn’t it? They are in counseling.
I love this picture that your friend John took when you went camping last year. I wonder if you had a chance to see it. He felt very sad and told a funny story at your memorial service.
September 23, 2001
Your birthdays’ coming up soon. You’d have been 22. Where my love, did we go wrong? We loved you so much….no doubt about that. You were becoming such a handsome boy (young man) Oh, God, how I ache inside. I just can’t stop hurting. I have to stop writing now, I can’t see the page from so many tears.
I love you with all my heart…good night….Grandma
August 16, 2002, 6:08 PM
Dear Mike,
Another day without you. I am healing. I did have to take time off of work because I can’t think.
I don’t feel well. Very weak and as long as I stay still I don’t have chest pains.
You were going to buy a big house for your mom and me. Remember that? I do. I wonder if it would have looked like this one. Maybe it would have been all on one floor.
I wish I’d known you were not feeling well and that maybe life was not worth living. I’d have been right down there to spend time with you.
This is what I wrote to the girls:
I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad but yesterday when I clicked the internet up came an instant message that Mike had written to me on the 9th of July. Now I know that doesn't happen does it? But it did and made a copy of it. Dated 7/11/02 at 6:35pm. It just said Hi Grandma, how are you? I love you. This is Mike. Well, it made my day and I do truly believe it was Mike letting me know he is watching and he's ok.
WELL, I GOT THAT MESSED UP. WENT HOME LAST NIGHT AND REALIZED THE DATE WAS 8/11/02 THE DAY I RECEIVED IT. THEN LAST NIGHT UP CAME THE ORIGINAL THAT WAS DATED 7/9/02 WHICH IS ACTUALLY WHEN HE WROTE IT. MAYBE THE Sunday WAS TO SAY "I'M HERE" AND YESTERDAYS WAS "SO YOU KNOW I WAS HERE AND CORRECTING THE DATE". WHO KNOWS...I JUST KNOW I MISS HIM SO MUCH I HURT.
Instant msgs received AFTER he was gone
kimberlyfletchall: Hello Grandma how are you doing I love you and will talk to you later Mike
Yahoo! Messenger: kimberlyfletchall is currently offline. (8/11/2002 at 6:35 PM)
kimberlyfletchall (Tue 07/09/02 07:48:35 PM): Hello Grandma how are you doing I love you and will talk to you later
September 5th 2002
Today is your birthday. Happy birthday Michael. Age 22.
How do you think we all feel? I don’t know what your mom is doing today. I know I wish I could spend it with SOMEONE so I don’t feel so all alone. Tyler is having a really difficult time. He loved you so much.
October 10, 2002
Haven’t felt like writing for awhile. We are all starting to heal although we will never really be well again. Kim, Scott, Jenn and Tyler were here this last weekend. Tyler wanted to know if you’d become an angel and if you had wings. He’s still having a hard time.
I had a print framed. It’s a picture of you and Jesus. I’m going to hang it over my desk so I can see it daily.
November 9, 2002
Dearest Michael,
On Friday I was driving through the drive-in at Jack In The Box and thought of you. Tears started down my face and I had to compose myself when they asked for my order.
Life goes on I know, but you are so missed. Your cousins miss you, your aunts and Uncle miss you...everyone misses you.
Had breakfast with your mom and Aunt Rosie this morning at the Palace. I thought it would be fun to get together and see where we all stood at this time. We are all trying to stay busy so don't see as much of each other as we used to.
We had fun telling "Michael" stories. I remember the time you told Chris not to leave his toys on the floor because grandma had "bettis". You had no idea what diabetis was, just that you couldn't leave your toys on the floor in case I stepped on them.
She has finally gone for drivers training, the one thing you were always after her to do. I think she rather enjoys it.
Aunt Rosie is going to school. She started summer quarter at the college and is now in Fall Quarter. She thinks Barb and I should start a group for people just like ourselves. I will think about it. Your mom joined POS and I'm happy because she will find others just like herself.
Uncle Keith may get a job at the college. He's getting tired of his job of 10 years at Sears.
Sadie says to say "hello". You see, you were going to inherit her so now what am I supposed to do?
I love you...deeper than the ocean
Grandma
November 9, 2002
First Thanksgiving Without You
Dearest Mikie,
Boy, is this tough. I remember how you loved the holidays. You were such a tease. Always having your fingers into things, mostly to tease me. Loved that twinkle in your eye which meant you were trying to get my goat.
We all miss you so very much. How I wish you could have known that. I feel badly that I didn't pay more attention to you and call or write more often. I did, but sometimes I wonder if you were given the message. That bothers me a lot.
What are you doing up there? Have you met some of the sons and daughters of my FFOS friends? Did you see PaPa and Grandpa Newton? Your cousin David? Take good care of him, he's so little, ok?
We are going to Rosies' house for dinner. Your mom is going to pick ME up this year. I know your proud of her new adventure. I'm just sorry it had to come with money you left her. I have a hard time with that. Bad exchange.
Keith got a job at the college where I work. He's had a real hard time with this also, you know, your being gone. I'm happy for his new job because he was so wanting to leave Sears.
Not much else to write about. My heart hurts so much, will this ever get better? They say it does.
Your grandmas' little Prince (how you hated that word) and I love you.
Oh, I found a lock of your hair from your first haircut that I gave you. It was in my Grandma book. It took me by surprise because I had forgotten all about it.
Happy Thanksgiving my sweetie. A candle is lit for you and we are going to put a rose on the empty chair.
Grandma
Saturday Dec. 4th, 2002
NO matter how I try, I just can't get into the Christmas Spirit. I shop, I wrap, I even do a small amount of decorating, but I have no energy nor do I care one bit about Christmas this year.
This was Michaels favorite time of year. He'd shake, feel, and smell his packages and then with his wonderful grin, attempt to guess what was in them. He'd watch my face to see if he was close. He could always read my face.
He always insisted on having a tree. Christmas wasn't Christmas without one. I remember when times were hard for his mom, but she would always find a way to buy a tree, usually waiting until Christmas Eve when the prices went down.
She is in great pain right now and I can't seem to help her because my pain is also great.
I'm supposed to be picking out computer games and baskets of snacks and game boy stuff, a shirt and pants (not too baggy).
Last year he bought me a white marble picture frame and said "only my picture goes in that". Well, Mike, it's in there with a poem my new friend Lya wrote about telling people my grandson died today.......... I'm sorry. guess I got a wee bit mad at you just then. You see, I've never been in the anger stage yet and I hope I don't. I know it's not your fault. You were in great emotional pain and I understand that. You never shared your feelings just bottled them all up and then vented.
I shouldn't have to sign my name "grandmother of Michael". I should'nt have to explain why I belong to FFOS support group. I should'nt have to tell people I have lost my second grandson. I shouldn't have to.....but I do. I should'nt be sitting here crying....but I am. It's almost Christmas and your not here.
I miss you, love you, but you know that.
December 22, 2002
Dearest Michael,
As Christmas approaches I get sadder and sadder. It was YOUR favorite time of year. Yesterday I was doing my last minute shopping (hearts not in it this year) and I was in the picture frame aisle when this gorgeous silver frame seemed to just beckon to me.
I remembered the 8x10 picture of you taken on your 16th birthday, my favorite, which graces the TV and I thought how nice that picture would look in this silver frame.
So, my dear Michael, that's your Christmas present this year. I didn't put up a tree this year, couldn't find the box with the stockings in it either so don't know where your stocking is. Is iT Dec 26th yet????????????????????
I just seem to be going through the motions. Don't hear from your mother much. Maybe she's hurting, well, we KNOW she is. I'll see her Christmas eve. I bought her a stained glass cross for her window and the tag reads "to Mom I love you, Michael" Hope that's ok with you. I'm sure it is because you loved shopping for her at this time of year as well as her birthday.
I have to go now, have wrapping to do and through it all yesterday I forgot to buy groceries so that's on the list for this afternoon.
I give myself permission to cry.
Merry Christmas my baby. Grandma loves and misses you with all her heart.
December 25, 2002
Dearest Michael,
At the moment I am listening to a beautiful boys choir singing many different Christmas Carols. I smile because you "put up with" my music, even something as lovely as this. I had hoped to instill some "good" tunes in you, but that didn't work did it?
Your mom gave me a beautiful new TV (much needed) and the card read from "Barb and the boys". It made me cry. Thank you Mike, it's beautiful that's all i have to say.
I gave your mom the cross from you and she cried.....a lot. She said she was very touched, so we'll do that again next year...ok?
We had dinner at Aunt Rosies'. I was late because I had to work. Really thinking of retiring. I'm not at all well, but keep thinking if I retire what then? Can't walk far without resting. My heart has seen it's better days. I don't really care because I'm just that much closer to seeing you and that's where my heart really is. I have'nt been the same since you left.
I sent a card to your email address. It's still open. Your mom figured out your password.... "mike"?? how creative. :)
Back to work tomorrow. I'll be alone, everyone else took the long holiday week off. I know, I know, I can hear you now ....why didn't I do the same? Well , someone has to answer those phones!
Aunt Kim and Uncle Scott, Jenn and Tyler are planning on coming up this weekend. It has been way too long since they were here. Everytime they come Tyler wants to watch the movie 'Michael' and his question is always "do you think Michael has his wings by now?" I always say "I don't know the answer to that".
The new silver frame looks beautiful on top of my new TV and next to it is an angel candle my friend gave me for Christmas. Also, a miniture pointsetta. I'd never seen one before.
Well, my sweetheart , my heart hurts, but some say it gets better in time. That would be nice.
Rest with Jesus....your Father in Heaven
I love and miss you,
Grandma
December 28, 2002
My Dear, Dear Michael,
Another Sunday letter, another Sunday without you.
It's snowing today. Got about 5 inches last night and that only means that until March we will not see the ground. Remember how I'd spin on ice with the car? I was teaching you bad habits was'nt I? Well, it really was to get you to laugh and be happy on one of your "down" days and it worked!
I also remember when you were two and three how I'd put you in the grocery cart and race through the store. You'd laugh so hard you'd get the hicups. Today I'd play hell running anywhere. :)
Guess you know I lost my best friend Donna. The older we get the more people we know up there than down here. Losing Donna was also very hard and I miss her so much. Just before Christmas to. She was not only my best friend but my prayer partner and much too young to die. The last time I heard from her, she said she'd find you and give you a big hug for me and let you know how lonesome it is without you down here. She wasn't afraid to die, she was getting very tired of living with the cancer.
Almost ready for a new year. I'm ready to chuck 2002 anyway. Hopefully the new year will be better.
Aunt Kim is coming up next weekend. I can hardly wait to just hug her.
I was reading your emails this week. The ones you wrote while in the Navy. You said a desk job was boring because there wasn't enough work to do.
Remember your friend Kendall? Well, your mom found his email address and wrote him. He is sad, very sad. He told her he visited your web pages and cried. He's still in the Navy and getting married soon. He wanted you to come down and be his best man. He'd been writing to your Yahoo address and wondered why he wasn't hearing back.
You see Michael, you left so many friends behind. I don't think you realized how many people really loved you. I'm sure you didn't or maybe it just didn't matter because that terrible disease, depression, just took over your life. It buried you, literally.
Well my sweet, I love you, miss you and wish you peace. I love you deeper than the ocean and higher than the sky.....beyond the moon as you would sometimes say.
Grandma
  
 
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