The next day we learned that Michael had hitched a ride to the coast during the night. The people he found to stay with said he could stay 3 days so on the 3rd day he called his Aunt in Oregon who in the middle of the night got in her van and drove the 300 miles to pick him up and return home. This was the 18th of July, 2001. On the way back home Kim gave him the “rules of the house”. No drugs, no alcohol, needed to find a job and would have to pay rent. Michael abided by these rules…all of them. He loved it there and soon found a job working in a deli at the local grocery store and started paying rent.
That Sept 5th he turned 21 and Barb and I got in the car and drove the 6 hours down to celebrate his birthday. He got so many nice things and by all appearances he was a very happy person. This was to be the last time I would see him alive. Meanwhile, Barb cleaned out his apartment and found a suicide note he had written. I have never seen this note, but was told that in the note he said he couldn’t do it because it would hurt his Mom and Grandma.
At Christmas time I had hoped to get down but the icy weather kept us all at home that year so I shipped his gift down to him.
For some reason he chose not to return to Ellensburg again. Kim and Scott came up often over that year and always invited Mike to come with them, but he said he wasn’t ready to come and we didn’t encourage him. He was clean and sober and we were all elated about that. He knew the drugs were here and he chose to stay where it was “safe” for him. He chose his friends with care, drugs were not an option.
We wrote and talked on the phone. He changed jobs in the spring. He became certified as a nurses assistant in a lovely nursing/rehab center. He had a calming way about him around the patients. At his services many spoke about his wonderful way with his patients and how with one woman he would read the Bible to her every night.
He had a girlfriend, actually, he had two in that year. Both he met at work. This was new. Remember the low self esteem? He was overcoming this. At home, however, he was becoming that angry person again, constantly arguing with his Aunt Kim, shouting and slamming doors. Why was he so unhappy and oh goodness, don’t awake him before noon!!
July 18th, 2002 was his Uncle Scott’s birthday. It was a Thursday and Michael made plans to take him to the car races on Saturday as a birthday gift. Just the two of them. A guy thing. Michael worked a swing shift on Friday, came home, talked about the races he and Scott were going to the next day and went to bed. Saturday the 20th Kim asked if she and the children could go with them to the races that night. Scott found no reason why not, but it angered Michael and he slammed out of the house for about 5 hours. It was supposed to be a “guy thing”.
We later learned he spent that 5 hours with his girlfriend. When he returned home the argument became about what time the races started. The family went to the car, sent the youngest back in to get Michael who told Tyler he wasn’t going! So, they left without him. When they got home that night everyone went straight to bed. Sometime during the night Tyler came down to sleep on the couch. The bedroom door to Michaels room was open and his TV was on. Tyler went quietly over and peeked in and not seeing Mike on his bed, pulled the door closed because the TV was bothering him.
The next day, Sunday, the family were all getting ready for church. Kim said she thought about asking Michael but thought better of it because she was sure he was sleeping and “we don’t wake the sleeping giant”. That afternoon Michael didn’t come out for lunch. Kim went grocery shopping and bought oysters. Only she and Mike liked oysters and she decided to fix the family something else, but she was feeling badly that she and Mike had been fighting and she knew of his love for sea food. Once home and the groceries put away she decided to go to his room and get him to come out……..
Someone was pounding on my door. It was 3:45pm Sunday the 21st. It was my son-in-law Keith. “You need to sit down”. “Ok, why?” “I have something to tell you and your not going to like what I have to say”. My first thought, something was wrong with my daughter, Rosie or the boys, Larry and Jake. “There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’m just going to tell you.. …Michael hung himself today.”
Ok, pretty soon he’s going to tell me this is a joke (pretty sick one, but a joke non the less). I waited, and waited, no he’s not going to tell me it’s a joke. Why? Why? Don’t ask. Michael would not want me to know why. Breathing fast and heavy, I’m having chest pains, take a nitro, still waiting Keith. You look rather pale. Come on Keith, when are you going to walk back out the door you just came in and I’ll wake up from this moment and realize that, thank God it was all a dream. You're still here, it’s starting to sink in. This first born grandchild whom I adored above and beyond, deeper than the ocean and higher than the sky, hung himself. Does that mean he’s dead? Why are you still here Keith?
The rest is rather hazy. I remember wanting to go right away to Barb, Mikes’ mother and then wanting to get to Oregon to be with Kim who found him. Kim who screamed so loud she had no voice for days. Do my legs work? Can I make it to the car?
Poor Keith wasn’t sure how to handle me. I learned my daughter Rosie was with Barb and for right now he felt I should just sit still. I can’t sit still, are you nuts? Sinking in some more. Can’t be. Just can’t be. These things happen to other people.
With the help of friends we made it to Oregon and for the next week we were all full of questions. Oh, the guilt. Why didn’t I go down more often? He made it clear he wasn’t coming up here again. I had promised to come down in August and he was happy about that. Kim feeling guilty about the argument, Barb feeling guilty about having him live with Kim. Everyone living with their own guilt and feelings.
How very much I miss you. I love you so much, so very, very much. When I get to Heaven my first question will be, “why Michael?” This time I’m going to ASK!
Jean, Grandmother of Michael Eugene Shoup
Sept. 5, 1980 - July 21, 2002
axphixia hanging-depressed
I love you deeper than the ocean
Rest In Peace My baby boy
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