4-8-04

Hi. Unfortunately, with this update I have not beaten my record for the longest time I've gone without updating this. I always think, "Gee, I should update my website," but I'm always too lazy. I guess you, my imaginary reader, hasn't been missing much though. Not too much excitment here.

I've been living with my grandma for about 4 months. It is going fine. It is nice to have my own room, and to be able to eat whenever I want without paying for it, as opposed to living in the dorms. The only thing that sucks is the bus ride. Three hours per day in a bus is just too much. And its always either too hot or too cold in the bus. And if the temperature actually is decent, I end up sitting next to somebody that smells like pee. There is always something to make the bus a little less pleasant. Oh well.

School has been going a lot better than I anticipated. I ended up getting on the Dean's List for the last two quarters, which makes me happy. I have to get on it this quarter too so I can get a little certificate. I'm taking Spanish now, though, so that may not happen. I hate Spanish so much that words cannot describe it. I dunno. The idea of being able to speak another language is neat, and it would be very practical, but I'm just don't feel like I'm very good at it. Plus, I'm only going to take it for 2 quarters, and that probably isn't enough to be able to communicate effectively anyway. I am remembering a lot of stuff from high school, though, so that is good. The homework is going okay, but it is boring. Only 18 more weeks of Spanish to go . . . Yey!

One thing that has been bumming me out is that I am totally broke. I have like $70 to last until I get a job. I have applied to quite a few jobs, but nobody wants to hire me. It sucks because they are all minimum wage jobs so its not like I'm underqualified or something like that. One thing that really is annoying is when you call a place, and they say they're hiring, but when you go there they are out of applications. And even when you call them the next day, or the next day, they are still out of applications. How the hell do they expect to hire anybody if they don't have any applications?

This quarter I only have class 3 days a week. It is nice, but on 2 of those days I have to get up at 6:25 am. That is just wrong. That is the only time they offer craptastic Spanish, though, so I guess I'm out of luck. Another thing that is cool about this quarter is that I only have one final. It is on a Saturday, but at least I can just take it the day after class ends and just go home and be done with the whole thing. I am taking 2 history classes, too, which I like. I didn't like political science as much as I thought I would. I like it, but I like history a lot more. I am majoring in both. It is hard because I wasn't planning to do that from the beginning, so now I have to try to get in all these classes that I didn't think that I would have to take. I kinda wanted to just major in history and forget political science all together because it sucked so much, but my mom said that I should do political science because I could get a better job that way. I don't necessarily think that's true, but whatever. They are both poopy liberal arts majors so I think I'm screwed either way. Maybe after I take this break from political science I will be able to like it again. My mom wants me to get a masters right after I'm done with the b.a. because it is so hard to go back to school once you stop, and because I'm not going to be able to get a good job with the b.a., and because I'll only be 20 when I graduate, which seems really early for starting a career or whatever. I really think getting an MBA would be awesome because there are so many things you could do with that, but the chance of me getting accepted is slim to none. I have hardly any work experience and I haven't even taken any business classes, so other than my test score and my grades, there isn't a good indicator of how successful I would be. Plus, after being in school for 16 years strait, it would be nice to do something different. After that long, though, I guess another 2 or 3 years wouldn't kill me. I don't know. If I can't even get a job at Safeway stocking selves, I don't know why a really excellent business school would want me.

I am finally done with working on that rental that Terry destroyed. I had to waste me entire spring break doing it. Spring break is meant to be spent laying around, not cleaning and doing yard work. I put it in the paper, but nobody that looked at it called me back. It's annoying because the outside is not all that nice, but the inside is super duper nice. I spent all that time making it nice and now nobody will even consider it. $400 a month for a house with a carpet and paid water, sewer, and garbage is pretty damn good. That is just enough money for me to break even so there is no way I can lower the price. There are tenents in the house in the front (my dad's old house, the house I've been working on is a little house behind his old house) said that there lawyer thinks they might get their insurance settlement in about 3 months. They were interested in buying it, and I think they still are, so I am hoping and praying that they will. I am barely scraping by paying the bills there so that would take a big load off my shoulders.

I don't really like to talk about my stuff with my dad, but sometimes it just gets to me. It just sucks that ever since he died I have to worry about taking care of all of this stuff that really shouldn't even be my responsibility. Before this I had never paid a bill in my life. Now I have 2 mortgages, renters, utilities to pay, etc. I know I am the only person here to take care of it, but that doesn't mean I am good at it. What sucks the most, though, is that I have spent all my energy worry about my dad's things, but I never have it in me to just stop and think about my dad. I always put him in the back of my mind, but whenever I just stop and take a break, and I'm not doing anything particular, all I do is think about him and how much I miss him. It was over a year and a half ago, but it doensn't feel like I have had time to grieve. I know it sounds like I should be on Oprah, but that's how I feel. When I don't have the estate stuff and school to occupy my time, I'm probably just going to have an emotional breakdown or something. I'm afraid all of my feelings are going to come out and I'm not going to be able to handle all of them. It feels like I can at least control school and the estate stuff to a degree, but when it comes to feelings it feels more like they control me, so I'll be more easily overwhelmed by them than by all of these other external responsibilities. Like tonight, I was sitting here drawing, and that song Abraham, Martin, and John came on and it made me think about my dad and cry. It's really weird. Before he died I was never very emotional, but now just hearing a song on the radio can make me upset sometimes. I suppose it's kind of good, though, because before I probably was emotional inside, and I was just holding it in so I wouldn't feel embarassed. Now it feels like sometimes I can't hold them in, but that I do hold them in more because I need to to be able to function, because if I'm always upset and thinking about my Dad and don't think I'd get much done.

I don't want it to sound like I am depressed or something though. Nearly all the time I am happy, but sometimes I just get a little down. Everyday goes fine generally. So I won't get bummed out I try to think about happy things. They are silly things like koalas and bunnies. I have been revisiting my childhood with the Care Bears. They're just so damn cute. I have four little ones, and big one, a mug, and a calander. I like drawing too. That makes me happy, but I spend too much time doing that. I draw floorplans, which doesn't sound very exciting, but whatever floats your boat. One thing my dad always told me was that the best investment you can make is a house, and he said that you should buy a house as soon as you can. I think he is right. That is probably why I draw them so much. I like thinking about when I have a place of my own and what kind of furniture and kitchen cabinets and stuff I am going to have. At least I'm not one of those dumbasses that has their wedding or something like that planned.

I have a wart on my toe. It is quite exciting. I had never had a wart on the bottom of my foot. It hurts like hell. Today was the second time I got it frozen off with liquid nitrogen. Before they used a q-tip, but today they used this tiny fire extinguisher filled with it and squirted it on. It hurts quite a bit from that but I suppose it doesn't hurt anymore than the wart itself. I bet I got it at the gym. I was going there for a while last quarter and I kept forgetting shower shoes. I'm not going to do that again. The wart itself is not as bad as the idea that I have a wart. Just thinking about having a wart makes me feel kind of icky. It's like I'm tainted. I have a fungus growing on me. I don't want fungus.

That Lime Coke is really good.

Like 3 weeks ago I saw that Passion of Christ movie. I like Christ and all, but that movie was just horrible. It didn't have a plot and it didn't have character development at all. I'm sure a lot of the people that see it already know who most people are, but some people probably didn't. I knew who most of the people were, but it felt like there were side stories that I probably missed, and some of the people I wasn't exactly sure on. All it was was Jesus getting abused for 3 hours. I know that's what the passion is all about, but it doesn't exactly make for a great movie. Plus, Satan so super creepy. I know Satan is bad and he probably should be portrayed as creepy, but instead of me leaving the theater thinking about how Jesus died for us, it made me hope that some boogy man that looked like Satan didn't hid under my bed or something. One thing that I liked was that it was in Aramaic and Latin. That was pretty cool because it helps put the story in context. I'm glad, also, that they put brown contacts in that Jim guy from Mt. Vernon because I seriously doubt Jesus looked like he was Scandanavian or something. All and all, though, the movie was not good. I should have just stayed home and watched Happy Gilmore.

It's really late. I've better go to bed.

12-1-03

I think I have set a new record for the longest time I have gone without updating this. I hold Angelfire partially responsible. Over the summer I would try to upload stuff, but for reason or another Angelfire would always not be working. So finally I just gave up. Now that I am super busy and have a million things I could be doing, though, I have decided to waste me time writing this.

I'm in my room, in Seattle, at UW now. It's alright. The classes are a lot harder, but I am doing okay. Living on campus has been fine, but its costs too much. I'm going to move in with my grandma next quarter to save money. I'll take the bus to school and back, which will take some getting used to. It takes a long time so I will have to go to bed and get up early, and I'll probably have to utilize my time on the bus for reading, insteading of spacing out like I do normally. One thing I like is that the campus is pretty nice. There are lots of things to look at and places to walk. It's kind of a bummer too, though, because I don't have very much money or enough time to do a lot of the things I might like to do. I thought living in Seattle would be fun, but I don't really do much here that I couldn't do at home.

One of the highlights of my summer was having the court order that waste of skin Terry move out of the rental, and judge in my favor for $1800. Of course I will never see any of that money, and I've been spending nearly every weekend trying to repair the rental, but for a brief time I got that warm fuzzy feeling. I hope that guy is living in a soggy card board box. It took me 5 hours to clean the counters, cupboards, and backsplash in the kitchen they were so filthy, I have repaired 7 holes in the walls. Also, there was a hole in the kitchen flooring that was at least 25 square feet. There were eggs cracked on the walls too. And when we were cleaning it, my aunt Anne's girlfriend Carmen found pictures of women peeing and it was called "Urination Nation." Yuck. So anyway, he doesn't even deserve to have a roof over his head because he lives like a damn farm animal. So, if you run into Terry Kimble, be sure to call him a fucker or a douche bag, or something like that. If I ever see him staggering around town like an idiot (as he often does) I would be seriously tempted to accidentally lose control of my car and have it pile through traffic onto the sidewalk, run Terry over, and then accidentally go in reverse and run over him again. As my dad always said, 'the only reason people like that are alive is because it's illegal to kill them.'

One of my TAs has a misshapen head. I decided to major in political science and minor in history. It kind of is depressing though because I'm doing quite well in my 2 history classes, and I only have around a B in my political science class. Oh well. I dont know. I'm taking HSTAM 418 and I have a 3.5, but I'm taking an intro level political science class and I only have a 3.2. Maybe its just because I don't like political theory. Political thoery can suck my left ass cheek. I wanted to take intro. to comparitive politics this quarter but those were all filled up, so I got stuck with political theory. I thought maybe I would like it, but I don't. Most of the time during lecture I just zone out. I try to pay attention, but its just so damn boring I can't help it. At least we got free doughnuts the other day.

7-22-03

 I guess it has been a long time since I wrote something. I haven't been up to a whole lot though. I got back from Colorado on the 26th of June. I had to ride the airport shuttle from the SeaTac airport to Yakima. It was pretty funny because I was the only passenger on this big huge bus. The driver was pretty nice, though, so that was good.

It's really really hot out.

6-19-03

 I just had the worst bike ride of my life. I didn't even feel like going for a bike ride, but I did anyway so my grandparents would think I'm a big lazy butt. It was really cold, and windy, and it made my ears hurt. Plus, I did my laundry today, and all of my pants were wet, so the only thing I had to wear riding was khakis, and they chafted my hip fat. Dammit.

My cousin irritates the living bejesus out of me too. I was perfectly content staying here until he started staying with my grandparents too. He chews with his mouth open, and he eats like a pig. Plus, he has B.O., and he says the most retarded things. It's like he wants people to think that he knows a lot of stuff, or that he had deep thoughts, but he actually doesn't seem to have either. Plus, he's really unattractive, and I just don't like having to look at him. That sounds pretty shallow, but its true. And, we always have to make special trips to my aunt and uncles for him, or he has to have this, or he doesn't like the eat this. And whenever I want to use the bathroom he's in there, and he made it really stinky once too. He's probably that way because his mom waited on him hand and foot, like he's the only damn thing in the world that matters, and that he can just act as he pleases, and doesn't think anything is wrong with acting like a big chode.

Maybe my cousin isn't that annoying. Maybe it's just me. I have to admit that maybe I'm just like this because I'm an only child, and I'm not used to being around other people like that. I guess that's kinda interesting because he's an only child too, and we would be two possible scenarios for how only children might turn out. I'm anal, irritable, and have control-freak like tendencies, while he just has whatever characteristics drive people like me insane. Oh well, I only have to hang around him for another week.

Today we went up to Beaver Park to look at where the fires last year burned a bunch of stuff. It looked like a pretty big bummer. Everything is nice and green now, though, except for those patches. The other day we went swimming in the hot springs pool in Ouray too. One thing like really like about Ouray is that they have a toy store that has some silly cheap things I can buy. I bought a little water color set there and have been having all sorts of fun with it. I'm not a very talented painter, but that's okay.

Tomorrow I'm going to be in Telluride all day. I have a deep hatred for Telluride, but maybe the bluegrass festival experience will change my mind. I doubt it. I can like the festival and still hate Telluride and all that it stands for anyway. It's kinda weird how two people can look at the same thing and see completely different things. My cousin who is the same age as me got a tatoo of Telluride on her hip because she loves it so much. I guess she has pretty good memories of it there. She went to school there, and knows all the people, lots of friends, and jobs, and outdoor activities, etc. When I go there, though, I don't have anybody to talk to. I don't know anybody there to start with, and even if I did, I'm not a weird hippie, and I'm not a rich yuppie, or the daughter of a rich yuppie. Plus, I can't buy anything there because its too expensive. I don't know. I just can't relate to a place like that at all. Anyway, I'm going to bluegrass festival tomorrow. I've never heard much bluegrass, so hopefully it will be alright. I'm not sure what all I'll see, but I plan on seeing the Waifs (some lady on the radio said they were good) and also Bela Fleck (my grandpa said he's the best banjo player around), so hopefully those will be good choices. There are a lot of famous people that most people have heard of that are playing too, but not on the day I'm going. That's okay though, because I could hear them on the radio at my house probably.

I think I'm going to update Things that are Bitchin'. That should be fun. It will now include Meatloaf and Polar Ice gum. Yey for me. It only took me a year or so to get around to updating it.

6-16-03

 I've been in Colorado for 5 days now. So far I've done some fun-filled things. We've gone out to eat a few times, we unplugged 2 beaver dams, went to Telluride for a free concert, and some other stuff, but I'm too lazy to talk about most of it.

My Aunt Kary has been hanging around a lot. She's nice and all, but if she hadn't left this morning I probably would have sprayed some bullets. She's very irritating. And everybody thinks so. Even my grandparents think she is, and they just tolerate it because they're nice and because she is there daughter. She just talks about the same stuff. About her daycare and how her son Kris just can't go to Montrose High School, and how she went off when she was 25. It's rather pathetic that those are the only 3 or so things she has to say. And, all she talks about is the past. She has no concept of what's going on now, or what she's going to do in the future. Her entire life revolves around her son and that's all she talks about too. Plus, you can be talking about something totally seperate from her, and she somehow stears the conversation so that she is able to start talking and makes the whole thing about herself. She talks like she has some sort of deep wisdom, but she just sounds like a kid. I don't know. I feel sorry for her and Kris, but I she has created a lot of their problems, and doesn't wanna admit it. Right now she doesn't have custody of Kris, and she can't get it back until she has a job and stuff like that. Part of the problem is that she lets Kris run the show, and he is 15. It's been that way his entire life. And its like she makes excuses for him, and has the aspirations for him that aren't going to happen. He's really into cars and wants to design cars, and she makes the hugest deal about it. He's failed algebra. I don't wanna crush the little guys dreams, but you have to have a hell of a lot more than pre-algebra skills to design a car. And she's freaking out because he refuses to go to Montrose High School. Well, they live in Montrose and that's the only high school around so I don't really see why she should let that get to her. I don't know. If your adolescent child refuses to go to school you fucking make them go to school. How damn hard is that? Most parents don't go 'oh, that's too bad honey, you're just so special and misunderstood, I guess I'll cater to your every whim.' Most parents would take their kid to school, and the kid would just have to live with it. I know school sucks sometimes, but jeez louise.

Last night Kris pissed me off too. I went up to Mountain Village because there was a free concert (it sucked, but that's okay), and my aunt and uncle were going to meet Kris at the concert to take him home with them. He never showed up at the concert, so we looked for him where the gondola starts in Telluride. We walked around town looking for him, went to the clinic, the marshall, the tents where all of these Ride the Rockies people were (he's obsessed with bikes). Anyway, we didn't get back from Telluride until 2:00 am because we were busy looking for him. It turns out he left a message on there phone, but that doesn't do a whole lot of good when you're an hour away from your phone and have no way of checking your messages. That whole thing was really not amusing at all.

Hmm. Yesterday we spread my dad's ashes too. That was pretty depressing. That's about all I have to say about that.

I got my grades and that made me pretty happy. For the first time in my life I got a 4.0. I can't believe I got an A in philosophy. That just amazes me. That means that I got on the President's List too. Plus I'm all done with YVCC and have a big associate of arts degree. Yey for me!

6-9-03

 It looks like my whining yesterday paid off because I got my admission packet in the mail today. I already filled all the forms and stuff out, and I'm now $565 poorer. I'm pretty excited and I'm glad I know that I'm going for sure. I'm kinda worried too. I looked at their course catalog and there wasn't a whole lot left that I wanted to take.
 

6-8-03

  No more class for me. I'm really glad. All I have left is an essay about the  causes of the Civil War and my philosophy final. That final is going to be really really hard I bet. I'm going to try to study a lot for it, though, because if I get an A in that class, then I'll probably get a 4.0. I don't know. It depends on my book review too. I'm not very confident in it, but I tried really hard. Anyway, I've never gotten strait As so that would be pretty cool. I don't wanna get my hopes up though. I only have a 94.7% and an A is a 94% at least so I'd have to do pretty darn well on those things. An A- is still pretty good too though.

I wish UW would hurry up and let me know whether I got accepted or not. At this point, I'm not even sure whether I care about going there next fall, I'd just like to know what I'm doing. It's hard to explain. I want to go there, and I'm excited about it. I guess it's just that I'm impatient. It's kind of nerve wracking. I like things to just be done with so I don't have to worry about it anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of writing too.
 
 

5-25-03

 Only 2.5 weeks of school left, including finals. Tomorrow is Memorial Day or Labor Day, or something I don't know. I don't really care, except for the fact that it means I don't have to go to school. Tomorrow I have to write my second to last issue reaction paper. I thought I only had to write 3 but it turns out there are 4 total. Oh well. I got 100% on my last one so that made me really happy. All I have to revise some of my research paper rough draft, so I'm nearly done. I still have the book reviews to do though. I'm in the middle of reading the book about pornography. It's actually pretty interesting. Next I'll have to read Founding Brothers. I hope that it goes pretty quickly and is interesting and all. It won a Pulitzer Prize so it must have some redeaming qualities about it.

Yesterday kinda blew. I had a yardsale at my dad's house to try to get rid of his stuff. People bought pretty much all of the good stuff. Most of it, honestly, was crap. It's kinda weird. The stuff that people sell at yardsales are things that they actually didn't want or use, so it makes sense that its crap. This stuff, though, was all of the things that he actually did use though. It's all cheap/old/dirty. I guess what is so odd about the whole thing is that he made a pretty good living, enough so that he could have had a way higher standard of living than he actually did. It was just that he didn't really care about that kind of stuff. As long as something worked, he didn't care how it looked. And, he really didn't have that much stuff. Except for the dining room table and chairs, a bed, and his living room furniture, all of his posessions fit into this tiny little bedroom. I suppose what he had mostly was tools, but they're all gone. They're in Colorado because my brother Hoyt is going to sort through and decide what he wants. He's probably going to be in for a shock, because I don't even know how many tool boxes my Dad had. He had about 4 big ones. And people wouldn't know what half of the stuff was anyway. Anyway, I probably made like $100. The rest of his stuff I put on the front porch with a sign that says its free. I hope it wil be gone. If not I'm going to call Goodwill and ask them to take it.

Today is sort of weird, and its only 9:20. Matt came over here last night, but he left pretty early. He was playing Grand Theft Auto, and I fell asleep so that wasn't very exciting. Usually, though, on Sundays I wake up around 10:15 to go to work. Today I woke up at 8:00. I don't know why I'm amazed by that so much, but I am.

I was listening to Flashback, pretty much the only thing I listen to on KATS anymore, and they played Pink Floyd. So I went to my car to get my CDs to listen to Pink Floyd, and I couldn't find Dark Side of the Moon. Long story short, I found it, and I also found Jeremy, which I've also been missing for a while. And, right now I'm listening to Odds and Sods by the Who for the first time, and its pretty good. I've had that CD for probably 6 months, and I've never listened to it. I don't know why.

I'm going to Colorado in a little less than 3 weeks. I'm pretty excited. I'll probably stay for a couple weeks. I wonder what kind of stuff we're going to do. Hopefully fun-filled things. My brother is coming too, which should be good. I doubt my sister is coming but you never know. I would like it if she did, but she's never been in touch very much, and she's sick anyway. The last time I heard from her she wrote me a letter and said that her doctors think that she has lupus. That sucks. One thing that's going to weird about Colorado is that we're going to have a memorial service for my dad and spread his ashes. I guess I can bring the collage I made with pictures of him. I kinda don't wanna go. I guess because I already went to his memorial once, and I already looked at his ashes there. I really didn't enjoy it. I suppose I'll ride the bike a lot. That's always good. And, we'll probably go on hikes and go to the lake and stuff. When I'm there I think the bluegrass festival is going to be going on in Telluride. I'm not going, though, so I don't think it matters too much. I hope my grandparents are doing okay.

I'm going to go now. Hopefully work today will be fiesta-like.
 
 

4-29-03

 The thing I'm looking forward to the most is that fact that I don't have to go to school Friday. After Thursday I will only have 5.5 weeks left of school. I'm pretty glad about that. I'm also kinda worried, though, because during that time, I'm going to have to write 2 book reviews (and read the books), a research paper, 2 issue reaction papers, 2 essays, and I will have to take at least 12 more quizzes, and 4 tests. This is all very frightening.

Right now my Aunt Anne is staying with us. She's really broke so she's doing a bunch of work around the house for my mom. Our kitchen is all organized and the oven and floors smell nice. She made dinner and did our laundry and cleaned my mom's bathroom too. It's kinda cool to see her because we really haven't seen a whole lot of her for quite some time. She seems like one of those people that has to be busy all the time.

I felt like a stud today. I got my first test in ethics back and I got a 97%. That was pretty good because I really wanna get an A in that class since I got an A- in logic, and was super close to an A. Yesterday I got my second quiz in history back, too, and I got 100% so that was good. I took a quiz in art yesterday too and I got a 90%. If would have looked over my notes quickly before the quiz, I could have gotten 100%, but I forgot my notes at home, so that was pretty silly. I'm not too worried about that class though. One thing I'm glad about is that I'm finished with these two things I had to write for political science. I had to do my research proposal and my issue reaction paper. I'm sort of worried about my issue reaction paper. I'm never sure about those. At first I was worried about my proposal too, but we did peer evaluations and my was way better than the three I evaluated (he he he) so I probably did okay on that.

The whole situation with my Dad's stuff has been rather depressing this week. I got a $928 utility bill. They think there is a leak in the plumbing, so I have to meet with them Friday to find the leak and make arrangements to pay the bill off. And today I went to Sunnyside to pick up my dad's taxes. I was hoping that he would have a return coming, but it turns out that he owed $860. The accountant paid it, which was nice, but I still obviously will have to pay that. So that's almost $1800. Plus, I served Terry the eviction papers so I won't be getting any rent anymore. Not that he even paid his rent half the time, but still. At least won't have to be bothered by him anymore. Hopefully the land in Colorado will sell pretty quick. It was supposed to close in the middle of March, but there have been some problems. I'm meeting tomorrow with a real estate agent to figure out stuff to sell my dad's house. Hopefully that won't be too hard. She said that all I had to do to the house was scrape off the peeling paint and put primer on the bare spots. I hope that sells pretty quickly. I just wanna be done with this crap.

I'm probably going to start working Monday nights from 5 to 7 in a couple weeks. That should be pretty nice because I could use the extra money and its not like I'm busy then anyway. I hope I'll be able to work longer hours and more days during the summer. That would be very helpful. If not then I'm going to try to get another job delivering. I like doing that. I wouldn't mind getting a job at one of the othe Domino's or at the Pizza Hut that's near my work. I don't like Pizza Hut very much as far as eating their pizza, that would be good because I wouldn't have to learn a new delivery area. I don't know. All I know is that I need to save some money this summer so I won't be totally broke next year when I'm probably not going to work at all.

4-24-03

 I feel like a pathetic little bastard. Lately I've been having these dreams about running. Actually, it's not really that recent. I have dreams where I'm running off and on, and it seems like I've been having them for a pretty long period of time. Anyway, in the dreams I'm just running and running and running and I never feel tired. So, I thought maybe I should try running. I tried it and it sucked. It's kinda annoying. I could probably ride my bike fifty miles if I wanted to. I can barely run a quarter of a mile. I just get out of breathe, and phlemy, and my throat hurts, and my chest hurts, and my face gets red, and my legs just poop out. I don't think I'm really made for running, since my hips and legs aren't the same heights.

A couple days ago I had a really crappy dream again. I had just gotten back from being away for a couple weeks. I had been home for a few days, and I was visiting all of these people. I hadn't visited my dad, though, and for some reason I didn't want to. In the dream, for some odd reason, I had decided to kill my dad, so I mixed some poison in with soem coffee or something like that. In the dream he was still with his ex-girlfriend Donna, and I lived a few houses away from them with my mom. Anyway, he called my mom demanding that I come see him because I had been home for a few days and I hadn't seen him. I felt bad because I knew that I had hurt his feelings, so I went over there. Plus, I had changed my mind about poisoning him, but I was worried that if I went over there he would have already drank the poison, and it would be too late. So, if just Donna was home, I was going to get the poison. I went over there to get it when I figured he wouldn't be there. Anyway, I knocked on the door, figuring Donna would answer, but she didn't. I kept knocking over and over. Then I was afraid that my Dad was in there dead because he had drank the poison. Finally, though, my dad answered the door. When he answered it I was really really glad to see him. We both had casts on our arms and I hugged him for a really long time. Then, he looked at me, and I had a scab by my eye. And he said something about my shooting myself on accident in the face with a BB gun. The scab is kinda where my grandma's dog bit me once. Anyway, that was a very odd dream. In the dream my dad looked really young and healthy. He was wearing a green shirt, and his hair and mustache were still jet black, and his complexion looked young, and he wasn't all scrawny and doubled over. His house still smelled like cigarettes, though. The furniture in the living room wasn't the same. I wonder why I wanted to poison him and why we both had casts on our arms. And its really weird that I had shot myself with the BB gun. What kind of dumbass would accidently shoot themself in the face with a BB gun anyway? I don't know. I was thinking about how he looked in the dream too. He never wore green. At least he hadn't for a really long time. Plus, when he was alive, he always looked the same to me. From the time I was a little kid to Septemeber it looked to me like he had never really changed. When I look at pictures of him from this summer though, he really did look sick, or unhealthy at least. And when I look at pictures of him from when I was a little kid he looks fine. He looked in the dream like he did when I was a little kid. I just went to look at a picture of him and "Just the Two of Us" started playing on the radio. That's really weird.

I kept bitching about KATS, but I would still listen to it because there wasn't really anything else. I finally got desperate, though, and decided that I had to make a change. I don't know whether its a good change or not, but I was at the point where anything would be better. As

4-17-03

 That stupid jerkweed Terry irritated me yet again today. I had to check our messages in order to get online and listened to the most freakish thing I've ever heard. He started by saying "This is your ex . . . ex-tenant that is." That was just frightening for reasons I don't think I need to explain. Then, he talked about how my Dad and him had it worked out so that he wouldn't have to pay rent (as if that would ever happen), and then went on to tell me his opinion of my dad and how he didn't like the fact that he committed suicide, implying that it made my Dad less than a man or something to that effect, and how he was living under a curse, and how his whole existence there is a curse. And, he also told me about how I am just a child and how I act like a child and talk to him like a child. The whole thing just irritates to fuck out of me. After listening to that message I was about ready to carry our some vigilante justice. I act like a child? I'm not the moron who can't pay my pathetic $320 per month, or puts a refridgorator outside, or leaves my house unlocked in northeast Yakima. I just resent the fact that this pood stain feels that he can tell me what a terrible person I am and what a screw up he thinks my dad is. I wouldn't put up with that crap from my family or my friends, so I certainly don't know why I should take that from a tenant, who I didn't even choose to have any sort of association with. He gave me the creeps the entire time he lived there, but now he's just a thorn in my side. Anyway, I filled out the form to terminate his tenancy. I worried, though, that when I try to serve it to him he either won't be home, or will refuse to take it. I just really don't like this whole thing, which is pretty understandable. It's frustrating. I feel like he's been taking advantage of me, and it is as if his goal is to get me to yield to him by making me feel inferior to him. I just really wish he would have paid his rent on time and not have bothered me. I just want him to go away and leave me alone.

Last night I had a really disturbing dream. In the dream I was at work and I was getting out of my car when I saw this kid get out of his car right next to me. He had a big machine gun and ran towards me. I was still in my car but my door was open. I started screaming for him to not hurt me and to leave me alone, but he was right at the open door. So, covered my head with my arms and tried to hide my head in the space near the floorboards and the passanger door. Then I woke up. It was really scary. I hate dreams. I wish I couldn't remember any of my dreams because lately they have just been disturbing. Now that I think of it, I very rarely have any dreams that are nice and happy. Especially my dreams lately. The last dream before that it was this one where we were at war with Iraq, only the war was here, in the U.S., and I was afraid of being drafted or being a casualty. The only other ones I remember were the ones right after my dad died. One of them was in San Francisco, and I was running around these buildings, running away from somebody, but where ever I would run to there would be somebody like a friend or a family member, that would be dead in the room. They were all hanged. It was really creepy. And the other one was one where I had to go see my dad in the hospital before he died, because he had shot himself, but I really didn't wanna go because I didn't want to see him all messed up like that and all hooked to machines. Dreams suck. I wish I had more time. I think that if I can, maybe this summer I should see a therapist or something. I think I've been pretty good about talking about stuff with people, like so its not all trapped inside, but going to therapists must help some people or else a lot of people wouldn't go to them. I guess I would hope that maybe they would have some helpful suggestions for me so that I could feel a little less poopy sometimes. I don't know. I don't think I'm depressed or anything like that. It's just hard sometimes. I have a lot of responsibilities and obligations and its all prety frustrating. Before this year I was kinda afraid of going to UW because of how hard it would be. Now, though, I am actually looking forward to it because it will feel like a vacation compared to this year.

I've been thinking about what I should do just in case I don't get accepted. I was thinking about applying to Western or WSU too just in case. Then I was thinking about applying to Central just because its closer to home, so I could live here still, and because the application deadline is far away, I know I'd get in there. Now I'm thinking, though, that if I don't get accepted to UW, then I'll just take fall quarter off and apply for winter quarter. I don't see why I wouldn't get in though. At least then I could save some more money and I would get a big break and hopefully everything would be done with. Yeah, I don't think that will happen though.

The war is still pissing me off. I can't believe the looting. What I can't believe about it is that the Coalition dudes didn't take precautions against it. What did they think would happen? And the don't have electricity or running water. If I was an Iraqi, and when the U.S. invaded, my utilities went off, I would be pretty pissed, regardless of whether the Americans were directly responsible for it or not. And, on the news last week they would be showing all of these Iraqis celebrating and dancing in the streets. It's funny how they didn't show any pictures of pissed off Iraqis who wanted the U.S. to go away. That's not because they don't exist, my little hombre(s) (just in case more than my imaginary friend reads this). Bastard media. I like watching the news on the BBC because it's a lot more representative of what is actually going on I think, although the American news certainly has greater entertainment value. And by the same token, I really think its twisted that the only merit of the networks news broadcasts is there ability to entertain.

Yesterday I went to Grant's Pub with Alicia and Brenna for quiz night. Then, some dude that Alicia knew and his friend sat down with us, and then two other girls that Alicia and Brenna knew sat with us, and then some guy that was in my calculus class sat down. So, we all did the quiz, and we got 7th place out of 8. We were hoping it would be fun but it wasn't. One of the dudes was really creepy. Anyway, afterwards Alicia, Brenna, and I went to my work and got a pizza, and then we took it to Walmart and ate it in their McDonald's. Eating the pizza was probably the highlight of the night. I was glad Alicia asked me to go, though, because I've lost contact with pretty much everybody. I was rather relieved to know that I wasn't the only one. Not that I want my friends to not hang out, but I was kinda worried that they were all doing stuff, and just never invited me.

I don't have philosophy tomorrow. That means I don't have to get up until 9:00. Yey for me!
 
 

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