Hello. My name is Dr. Tango, and I'm a psychiatrist skilled in the soothing of many armed mercenaries, from military leaders to ground troops to base cleaners. Please use the form above to send me a message and I'll reply and post your question/hurled abuse with the answer/retaliatory abuse.
NOTE: Please do not be offended by the Doctor's sarcastic remarks. The idiotic psychiatrist is just a little... impatient, impolite, offensive and to the point. Also, please take note that Dr. Tango is not responsible for any harm you may cause to yourself. Or acutally maybe he is, but it's your stupid fault for doing it.
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Dr. Tango,
I was wondering, Doctor. Why is it that women demand equality and all that, but the moment you choose to let them act on it, they say you're being ungentlemanly?
Tobie
Because asking transfestite men to dance doesn't give the impression of a true gentle'man'... Who's next?
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Dr. Tango,
I am a madman. I hate the LSA. I hate the CMA. I hate everything! I used to be the leader of the Black Ops. What should I do to destroy the LSA?
-Ex-Major William Blake of the LSA
Hmm... the cure to your problem would be eliminate the source of it. Load the most powerful handgun you can find (a Magnum would certainly be effective), stick it in your mouth and pull the trigger. That would do almost everyone a favour. Next!
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Dr. Tango,
I am extreeeeeemely pryromatic, what should i do to stop....Oh, 1 sec, ooooohhh fire (laughs manically) Oh, ya, what should I do to stop my enlightment to fire?
-Commander Monty Botanica of the BIF
I see... this calls for some Exposure Therapy. Soak yourself naked in petrol or some other flammable liquid, and ignite yourself. Problem solved.
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Dr. Tango,
My soldiers seem to have a problem. Cause whenever I go by there tent, my ears pick up some "strange" sounds. I don't know what I should do.. I wrote to Oprah.. but that ***** hasn't wrote me back yet.
Leader of "Head" Army
Oi! I like the Oprah Winfrey show! Just because you can't appreciate the fine arts of feminine discussion and you can't understand the expression of emotions caused by the show it doesn't give you the right to insult my heroine (both commercially and medically). Stop insulting such great shows-now your soldiers won't have a reason to create muffled insults as you pass. If it's not insults that you hear, then you had your one shot at asking me your question so I can only advise that you get your ears amputated. Please leave my office.
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Hi Dr.,
I would like to have sex with soldiers while they are on the battlefield. Would they like it and do you have any tips for me?
Amy
You're asking me? Oh, yes! I forgot that I'm the telepathic psychiatrist who knows who's attracted to who! As for tips, a good idea would be for you meet a nice country man and settle down with him or call me on 555-SEXSTRVDFREAK. If you wished to engage in such activities on the battlefield, then you could always try the Grantides (who'll probably fight better afterwards)... Thanks for your time.
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Dear Doctor,
One battle ago I realized my army is made up of super fat pyscho people. SHould I implement a excersice program or kill myself?
Bob
Is this an advice column? Does "Dr. Tango, Military Psychologist" resemble "Agony Aunt Maud" to you? Probably, considering that you can't spell ex... exer... ok nevermind and that you just realised that your force is made up of "Super Fat Psycho People". Are you sure that you're not fat, psychologically defficient and that you're not "Super"? Solution: Yes, kill yourself.
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Dr. Tango-
As commander of the CIP, I have noticed that most of my Mech pilots seem to be going banannas lately. I thought it might be because they had not had enough combat recently, but they seem to be somewhat psychoschematic about answering any questions. I think perhaps initiating co-ed barracks may be the answer, but I'm not sure. What do you think?
Ryan Wilhelm, CIP
Alas-a solution is available. Simple, cheap and effective. You should find that running out of your head office shouting "Shoot me-that's an order!" will provide your troops with splendid combat experience and me with more peace and quiet. One more thing-what's a "bananna"? Next-oh dear we're closed for my vacation in Hawaii...
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Dr. Tango,
Am I gay?
-Fred
I'm afraid you'll have to visit a fruit & veg shop for the answer to this. If all else fails, maybe you can come over to my place for some pizza and maybe we can watch a movie and get close... usually the Senator permits such but I'm sure I can lie about abdominal surgery or something.
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Sup Doctor,
Is it normal to drink after work every day, or should i keep sober to make sure that I dont lose my job? The Commander hasn't caught me yet, but drinking so much causes me to not think straight and then repeat things over and over and over and over and over and over. Any suggestions?
-Ensign Bob
I came up with a solution to this problem before I even finished reading it! I thought of the remedy around the part where you first mentioned drinking. Send all your alcoholic to the Grantide Mt. Kaboom base labelled "Dr. Tango-for medical research purposes" and learn to live without the drink. That should solve your problem. Next!______________________________________________________________
Doctor,
YOUR [intercourse-ing] SITE SUCKS YOU [rectal passage]! THE LEGO VEHICLES ARE [excreted matter]! GO [engage in intercourse] YOUR MOM OR CHANGE YOUR HOST YOU DuMB[rectal passage]!!!!!!1>YOU'RE A FAG! [non-smokable type-please tolerate such foreign names]