Volpane In Love

A personal blog with irregular updates.

Wednesday, August 22, 2001

I don't know if I should laugh or cry. Dr. C****** emailed me. I spent a trying and disastrous thirteen-month relationship with him which ended last year. I am still sorting out the financial ramifications of it. How frustrating to see little change in his attitude towards me.

Iím not going to respond to him; that would only fuel his delusions about me. I am only posting here because I need to vent. I am surprised that he seems to think there is some chance for reconciliation with me, not to say that I am a hard person or do not care about him, but I have no interest in involving myself with him. My opinion is that he had thirteen months to improve himself, but what he did proved was that he is incapable of conducting himself in a relationship with me or anyone else.

Perhaps my biggest regret is how this relationship reflects on my self esteem. I know Iíve made big and obvious mistakes in the past, although this was one relationship where I think I did the right thing.

I was compassionate and supportive. I did not tolerate his destructive behavior, but I did not attempt to control him either. It would be easy to say that everything that went wrong was due to his behavior, but then I am always quick to point out that I walked into this relationship with my eyes open and I only blame myself for maintaining the relationship for as long as I had.

I do not grieve for the time spent in the relationship nor do I grieve its failure. I do grieve my loss of innocence. I grieve for the world of lost souls who inhabit this fickle world. I grieve for my art.

I did what I could to deal with my feelings after everything fell apart, but I have to admit I still feel cold towards him. I now need to work on forgiving myself so that I can continue forward in my life.

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