It occurs to me that some of these poems really aren't about Vegas so much as they're about people who I left behind when I came here. "Las Vegas", "Not Enlightened Anymore", "Hang Upon My Dreams" and "Lacking a Label" are -- and this should be relatively obvious but that's alright -- about someone back in the Seattle area. All of it has been written since early 2001. This is the entire collection. I just put the rest in on March 20 now that I have returned home. Woohoo.

Sin City Exposure

K Hill 2001-2002 ©

Las Vegas

I see the disappointment in your eyes

It shouldn’t come as a surprise

Just another one of those Las Vegas lies

I don’t know why it’s something everyone denies

How can someone ask if I like it here?

After early violation I live in fear

And always someone scamming front and rear

This town turned my sense of reality on its ear

It’s not really that awful

But the answer’s not so simple

For a time we were so broke it was pitiful

When the glass shattered it felt like an anvil

Feeling like a fool on a hill

And yesterday I popped my last happy pill

Tabby sits meowing at the window sill

I can almost understand its need to kill

But I crossed the neon strip the other day

When I thought I heard myself say

I think I like this place I won’t run away

And it’s just another year from May

I tell you only to see disappointment in your eyes

But what you fail to realize

Is that it’s not just another one of those Vegas lies

I might know why it’s something everyone denies

Aggravation

I hate that everyone has an electronic leash

I don’t understand the appeal

We live in a society of mindless sheep

If not for the vultures we might not know

Where to eat or sleep

It drives me crazy when everything I see

Makes me wish I really did own

A tranquilizer gun

It’s a firearm and I’m the only American who doesn’t have one

Speaking of which

This past weekend seven residents

Dug the six-foot ditch

And another was arrested

For having sex with a kid

That sick son of a bitch

I think I’m in the groove

Until today happened and then

I remember I might be removed

And I’m trying not to be bitter again

Not Enlightened Anymore

I want to be the person I thought I used to be

But maybe the truth has faded with the memory

I’m not sure anymore of the reality

Maybe I should tell you what I didn’t think I could

Maybe I can and now is the time I should

If you promised to listen maybe I would

I’m pretty much happy now

But I still feel frustrated somehow

If I told you it was you would you take a bow?

It’s not exactly a crisis of identity

And would your presence remind me who I should be

I guess I just have to accept you’re in a different city

It’s not fair why did I go

I guess that’s something I should know

It was nothing to do with how I feel though

Why didn’t you send me a letter?

I guess I should have known better

How could she hate me even though I haven’t really ever met her?

Please always know the little word

You know the one I never heard

Not proud or respect … has it even occurred

It starts with L and ends with E

You could but you don’t want to give it to me

But I guess the hardest things to share aren’t really free

UNTITLED UNFINISHED

As quickly as we made a connection

Is as quickly as this could change direction

What we perceived as casual affection

Became immediate personal defection

I’m not really sure what changed things

All I know is change is what time brings

But still I hope it’s you every time the phone rings

And still when I see you my heart sings

Hang Upon My Dreams

There’s a letter sitting in my briefcase

It’s nine pages long

I won’t ask for much

But I’ve got to put a stamp on it first

It’s not the first one I’ve written

To tell you about my internal

What?

I don’t even know how to label it

It’s all built up in my head and

It seems as though the only

Guidance I have is Frost’s

Yellow wood and a path less traveled

And I’m not even sure I can

Even use that advice

I just want

Can I even say it aloud?

I can’t ask you because you

Hardly even qualify

I want your heart to be touched

I want you to feel what I feel so much

I can’t even begin to ask that of you

All I can do is

Oh lord

Why can't I just SAY it?

Perhaps the problem is that

I can’t ask from you

What I’m too afraid to give

I don’t know if I’ll put that letter in the mail

Those three words haunt me

They would hang upon my dreams

Because that is where you so often seem to be

But I don’t know if sending you

A facsimile of my soul

Will ever let me sleep well again

Just for my sake I’ll whisper what

I’ve been afraid to say

Lacking a label

You would have to be blind to miss

How much I love you

You would have to be clueless

Not to understand the significance

You would have to be heartless

Not to know how this feels

Your soul would be empty

If the aching of mine did not impress

Every reaction to your existence

Confuses me logically and emotionally

No matter what I did

I just can’t make sense of you

I don’t know why you keep

Your distance

I don’t understand why you minimize

The feelings between us

I can’t explain why I care anymore

I don’t know why I can’t let go

Someone told me it’s because

I love you but I think

It’s because I’m obsessed

The problem is that I’ve given

So much of myself to you

That I can’t get back

This is frustrating beyond words

I just want to give up on you

What is there to maintain?

Was there anything there at all?

I love you

But I know

It will never come back to me

And no matter what I say

There isn’t a solution that will satisfy me

Friday

Sitting in a bar watching a guy watching a girl

Who sits down wearing nearly nothing

Which makes sense given the desert heat

Fully a minute he stares

And I can’t help but grin

But when I look up from scratching

This moment down he’s gone

Not sure what to make of that

I wonder how many drinks he had

Before he bolted

Ah, well, not much I can do now

To prevent him from becoming another statistic

I suppose the natural thing to do now is to

Turn my attention to whatever sporting event

Is flickering on the big screen TV by the bar

And munch on my dinner of appetizers

It is happy hour

As I eat I notice the hot woman who didn’t even notice

The ogling earlier is joined by another scantily clad beauty

I listen to them talk about dull superficialities

And the big weekend concert that I will also be attending

I resist the temptation

To apply typical cliches

Instead I shake my head in amazement at life

Experiential (5/24/01)

I’ve just realized that

I’ve learned more in Las Vegas in a year

Than I learned in four prostrate to academic arrogance

Is this what they mean by experiential learning?

And sitting at McCarran

Waiting for a cyber stranger realizing that I’m really living again

And the desert is serving me well as a never ending

Course in reality

It’s a funny thing too

As I look around and see another designer cowboy

In too-tight jeans

Pricey snakeskin boots and a massive gold belt buckle

Anyone from a Montana farm or a Wyoming cattle ranch

Would wonder if the guy had ever seen a horse

Or a tractor or a field

At least I know what a real cowboy looks like in Big Sky country

But thank god there’s years left for me to see the

rest of the country

So much more learning to do

Away from the rain and sin city

I wonder what cowboys look like in Texas

Or fishermen in Maine

Or cops in New York City while riding on the subway

I hope I get to spend time in those classrooms someday

There are No Pictures from Hawaii

Trying to think right now who musically knows me best

Who has lyrics that sound like my own soul

While I write I need an artistic kinship

Help me wade through everything

Because this is a day where the possibility

I might be manic depressive doesn’t seem so crazy

Thanks to my spectacularly flawed genetics

It was hard to pick but I’ve put in a fresh disc

Something to pull me up without going too high

My head is so full I shouldn’t need

Any help emptying it on paper

Perhaps I just want to remember I’m not the only one

Who sees the madness of life through a different lens

Always the keen observer and teller of stories

Who never is a character, not even in my own life

I’m just along with everyone else for the journey

Would anyone want to read my autobiography?

I bet not, but it would have a great soundtrack

One would fly off the racks while the other gathers dust

People say they wonder at my boundless energy

Makes me wonder how I pull it off because I feel exhausted

Yet I can’t ever seem to sleep at night

Toss and turn begging a divinity I don’t believe in for some peace

Infrequent moments I hope to fall asleep completely

Just end this misery but I’ve got but one reason not to wish very hard

Struggle through daily pretending it will be all right

When in reality I don’t know if I’ll ever be satisfied

Knowing that in the end it will only result in a slide show

I don’t want to spend this lifetime wondering why I even took the pictures

Miss High Strung

Round and round my psyche goes

Where it might stop nobody knows

On the subject of you I can't predict

So confused by it all I feel dizzy and sick

Take a deep breath and try to concentrate

Relax and stop trying to overcompensate

Stop climbing the molehill as if it's a mountain

Already wet so just ride the waves of the ocean

Been trying so hard I'm hurting myself

So wound-up now can't talk to you or anyone else

Consider this as if life is simplicity

Take away the distractions and it's good basically

So why let anything else get in the way?

Life is about people not money at the end of the day

Just have to hope you are tolerant and patient

To put up with the madness until the end of this stint

Laundry List

How many people can I worship obsessively?

First my father

And my second grade teacher simultaneously

A few years passed but the next love/hate relationship came eventually

With my fifth-grade teacher

Next school year I made the jump easily

Found a new object within a few weeks

Can't forget the camp counselor from summer before fourth grade

Or my historian summer before high school

Who came and went and came again

Longest lasting came freshman year

As a saint in the most unexpected place

Desperately attached to him

With such an overdeveloped sense of urgency

Spent the past decade nearly

Trying to earn his always silent approval

Eventually I gave up and instead chose love

For once my obsession was returned

So I thought my thirst was quenched

Oh how wrong I was

Arrived in the desert a while ago

Briefly adored a powerful man

Quickly realized how to get over it

Another short-lived obsession with an authority figure followed

Still through that love for my soulmate endured

Obsession never seems to completely leave

Now a new, maybe true, connection has filled me again with that urgency

Perhaps unnecessarily pouring out how I feel

Constantly apologetic for all my insecurity

Just know from experience with past obsession

That distance ends all but the best of friendships

I understand this may be different

But whatever happens I'll enjoy it now

Hope down the road I'm not disappointed

Of course that will only last until the next obsession

Breathe Freely

I adore you but I wish I didn't

Too much energy has been spent in conflict

All the unwritten rules tell me this is wrong

But that doesn't change how I feel

Right now I want nothing more than to be free of this turmoil

Free of this quicksand of negativity

Just so I can relax

So I can breathe again

And no longer look over my shoulder

No longer dread getting out of bed

Instead recover from this experience

While being friends with you without fear of recrimination

Don't know what will happen

When that time comes

But I'm counting the days

Until I'm free again

Drowning in the Desert

It drives me crazy

The way people try to recreate you in their image

Trying to impose their personalities on you

Because you're almost perfect

You're just lacking all of their qualities

Good, bad, ugly and everything in between

Those people that expect you to change

In exchange for their company

Even though they never bothered to get to know you well enough

To find out what they want you to change

Yet I can't come up with the intestinal fortitude to tell you to fuck off

If you don't really like me for who I am

Then leave me to my time remaining here

So I don't completely lose myself

Drowning in the desert waiting to be rescued

Now I know you can't keep me floating

Leave me here to tread water

Until someone real bails me out

Prelude to Farewell

Sometimes I cry when I think about you

Begging to heaven through tears

Why am I tortured with temporary love

Despite how much you mean to me

Looming over this is the end

A drive back home in my Mustang

Good to go there again

But horrible to be separated from such a friend

Typical story of short term worhsip

With the strings of my heart

Pulling you close then pushing away

As fear of the pain creeps in untimely

Wondering if you'll be like all the others

And allow distance to breed deathly silence

This one time I hope you keep your promise

Don't hurt me with forgotten vows

You have throughout been better than all the others

For you I have tried to be better too

My priority is our friendship

Scary as it is, I'll try not to push you away

I'll try not to give into my doubt and insecurity

Just have to believe you'll do what you promised me

Whispers

Why can't I just accept

That you take me for who I am?

Because you're not like anybody else

Is it so hard to believe

You could simply appreciate my personality

Rahter than thinking you only tolerate me

I am just afraid of the price I might pay

In time for all the tormented joy

Of precious wondrous moments you've given me

When reality resumes its normal course

But when have I ever let reality interfere?

Now I should just take it in and enjoy it

Because there is the slight possibility

Those little whispering voices in my head

Are just lying to me

It might be time to fade them out

And listen to the shouting of my heart

Excuses

Toes tapping the floor impatiently

Wondering when or if you'll get back to me

Fingers drumming on my desk or twiddling my thumbs

I'm beginning to wonder if the invitation will ever come

Doubts begin to form a black cloud

As I wonder to myself aloud

Is this how it's going to be when I leave?

Will you be silent and thus relieved?

For knowing the detrimental effect of distant geography

And from experience I now base this philosophy

Now is quite telling of your ability to uphold your end of the bargain

Though you will be unburdened its end will meet with my chagrin

A thing so simple to follow through

Now a task you yet again fail to do

To me that seems to indicate

It is a waste of time when for you I wait

Don't get why this won't fit in your schedule

In your life I mean not to meddle

But if this is a trend of your choice

Then don't expect me to tolerate your excuses or your harried voice

I hope you enjoyed reading some of my poetry. I hope that it provided some insight. I hope it didn't freak you out. =) I hope you liked it so much you'll come back and read it again.