NO ESCAPE!

Jack Handey Quotes

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."

Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.

He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

NO E.S.C.A.P.E.