WELCOME TO

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Fork in The Family Tree:-)
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my stepmother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandfather!
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Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:-)
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: "Poor me syndrome" Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
26. The Toilet : You can learn to leave the seat up
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Things to Remember:-)
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included in this list?)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What a *****")

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)

Remember,when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole upside the head.