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well it's eleven twenty six right now and I'm a little short on sleep. I can't say I've been doing so well either. Stress brings out the worst in me. I'm sorry If i've been an asshole to you. It's just the way I am sometimes. And no, I don't get some special pleasure out of insulting you every other time I see you. I don't know why I do it, I just do. I really do give a damn about you, even if I don't appear to sometimes. In a strange way you probbably won't understand, I'm kind of glad you're mad at me. I think I've been waiting for that. I don't know why. I don't really understand myself. Why the hell am I this way? It's near the end of the play and everyone seems to have a lot of positive energy, but I don't feal that way at all. Some people seem to become spontaniously sad when they're depressed. Lately, I've been spontaniously angry, and it never does good things for me. I've had rather strange violent dreams lately, both when I'm asleep and when I'm awake. Oh well, if that's what I have to live with.
Anyway, for whatever its worth to you, I apologize for the way I've been treating you. I'm sorry. Sometimes when I see you I think I can see the resentment in your eyes. You seem to treat me differntly than others, without the kindness you give to most people. I don't know wether its real or wether I'm just dilusionaly paranoid. It's late and I can't really tell the diference right now. Maybe I'm just bringing all of this upon myself. I'm the only one I have to blame in the end anyway.
Give me a call if you get a chance. I'd like to talk to you. I've got a lot of shit to work out for myself, and maybe a little to work out with you. anyway, I'll see you.
Sorry,
Y
Ps: Don't comment on spelling or grammer. I really couldn't care less.
fri., 2.12.99
to Y, regarding the emails he has sent me. i'd comment but i don't think it necessary, and i just don't want to bother, quite frankly. Y's letter is marked by the >>carrots. it's strange, how i just can't stand to even think of dealing with the...whatever it is.
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i think this gets responded to piece by piece.
On Fri, 12 Feb 1999 06:07:34 Y wrote:
>Hi again. You never did respond to the mail I sent you, but then I may be unrealistic to expect you to do these things.
sorry. i didn't quite know what to say about it. [and here you are again, i might point out, with this 'unrealistic' comment. i don't appreciate snippy character judgements. i don't know anyone else who does this in the same way you do.] well, since you mention it, i have read it again. you know, perhaps the reason why you think i "seem to treat [you] differntly [sic] than others, without the kindness [i] give to most people" is because i'm getting pissed off at you. like i said, i don't know anyone else who feels the need to treat me the way you do. it's not that i think you're an asshole. i don't. it's more a subtle condescension that i don't want to put up with anymore.
>You seem to play into many peoples weaknesses while being blissfully unaware of it.
meaning? meaning i target people's weaknesses with things i do, or the other way around?
>You never call me back, never write me back, and half the time never take notice when I’m not around. To someone like me who overanalyzes everything, this produces a lot of paranoia. Do you just not give a shit about me or are you just forgetful while trying to act organized and thoughtful.
i call you when i have something to say; likewise, i write people when i have something to say. i usually despise pointless communication. i'm writing you back now. i think you analyse the email thing too much; admittedly, i'm not all that quick with responding to email. [jeff always yells at me for this.] the end of this sentence reads oddly; how would you know what i notice when you're not around? what would you expect me to do, jump with glee and blow a trumpet when you enter the room?! [ah, and thanks for managing to slip another presumption in there about how i'm just pretending to be something i'm not. the next time you--or anyone, for that matter--tell me that i "don't really believe" anything i'm saying, i will possibly hit you, or [more likely] just truncate the conversation there and leave.]
>You do other things to other people too, but lets not get into that.
oh...since we're at it, let's do. what are you talking about?
>Anyway, the reason why I’m sending you this because I want to talk to you for a while. I couldn’t get through on your phone line, so sending you this e-mail. I have a lot of shit on my mind that I guess I should talk about, and you've been a good friend to me, at least sometimes, so please give me a call at my moms. You know the number but if not, 284-9179.
>Salaam
>Y
you keep saying you want to talk to me, that you have things you have to work out with me, etc., but the last time we were on the phone [not two days ago, if memory serves me], you had called me and had nothing to say to me. if you have things to say, say them. if you don't want to, then email them. while you're at it, you might tell me what else, if anything, is going on/going wrong lately; you've looked quite run-over, especially yesterday.
irene
wed., 2.17.99
and the saga of Y and irene's grand email conversation continues. his is marked by carrots, blah, blah, blah.
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Y
before i forget: sorry i put you on hold so long. it was probably a good call to hang up on me.
now. i suppose i will resist the temptation to answer this part by part, if you wish, but it's much easier and more efficient that way, most of the time. as for "bringing things on myself," i'm going to have to violently disagree. it's one of
those pesky issues of personal responsibility. no one is forcing anyone to become "asphyxiated" with anybody, as you so dramatically put it.
...oh, hell. i AM going to reply point by point. this is driving me nuts. [and no, Y, i am not "angry." i've been quite restrained, thank you.] here we go!
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On Mon, 15 Feb 1999 23:33:29 Y wrote:
>ok... now that we're done having fun cutting and pasting e-mail I'll tell you what I mean by those two statements.
hah. took you long enough.
>You seem to play into many peoples weaknesses while being blissfully unaware of it.
>You do other things to other people too, but lets not get into that.
>What I mean is that you screw with peoples minds. You do this in a lot of ways to many different people, but lets take the most visible example just for the sake of argument. A couple days ago I told you that you had or have a couple guys (plural) obsessed with you. I won’t name any names for the sake of their privacy, but they are a asphyxiated with you and you’ve brought it upon yourself.
brought it upon myself, indeed. well, i've just covered this. no one has forced anything on anyone. and i won't know whether to believe you or not, since you won't tell me who you're thinking of. i have two people in mind, but then again, i could always be wrong about those two people...
>Weather you do this on purpose or you’re completely unaware of it, I don’t know but you certainly seem to be unaware of it. Then again maybe you just like the attention.
>You have a way of flirting shamelessly with them and then leaving. You certainly don’t have any interest in them, but you drive them nuts with your behavior. It’s an almost cruel manipulation of their feelings. Honestly, why do you do this? What do you think you’re doing? I don’t get it.
did it ever occur to you that even if i've heard that someone likes me, i don't like to immediately ignore them to show that i'm not interested in them? if i'm friends with someone, and i want to stay friends with them, than i'm going to treat them exactly the same as i treated them before. i shouldn't have to modify my behaviour just because some bozo's decided to be tragic about it. i don't cruelly manipulate any of my friends on purpose, and i don't think i do it accidentally either. if i am ever consistantly cruel to someone, chances are they aren't a friend of mine. i don't like to be cruel in general. but i digress. this is also interesting... 1) how on earth would you know who i'm interested in? my god. 2) define "flirting shamelessly." ...now, i'm not trying to pull a clinton here, but i know when i'm looking for things, every little touch and every little word can suddenly take on tremendous meaning that it actually doesn't have. if you get my point.
>This isn’t the kind of situation we’ve all been in where someone’s interested in you but you don’t really like them. Not at all. This would have ended long ago had you not kept it alive.
i think this is exactly what we're talking about here, because i hardly see myself as the manipulation goddess extraordinaire. i'm not working to keep anything alive. i happen to think this is plainly obvious to anyone with eyes.
>If you think that this is reason to feel powerful, think again. If you’re are aware of what you’re doing, then the very fact you need to do this is a weakness. If you aren’t, then this is a monument to being oblivious in general.
listen, you sermonising jerkoff, you and i both know this is no way to make one's self feel powerful, and i always entertained the notion that you thought better of me than that. it's not that i'm unaware of what i'm doing. it's that i'm not bloody doing this. and i don't even know why i'm bothering to justify myself to you. i must be bored.
>I know you’ve been obsessed with people before. Did N ever do this to you? I hope not.
what, you mean did he ever make me feel like his beautiful, intelligent and trusted confidante one day, only to conveniently forget he knew me the next? you mean did he ever do THAT? ...oh, no. never. he'd never do that to me.
>Right about now you’re probably thinking I’m full of shit.
yes...yes, i am.
>I’m not. I’m not the one who came up with this shit, and most of the people you know would probably agree with it to a point. Especially the ones who are obsessed with you.
yes, Y...TO A POINT. and the said obsessors are probably not [currently, anyway] possessed of the greatest judgement, seeing as, a) they're *obsessed*, and b) they've chosen to be obsessed with *me,* illustrating further that they must be flawed. if they weren't, they probably wouldn't waste their time on this bullshite, especially over me, of all ridiculous people.
>I’m not really associated with this issue, i just know about. Most of the things I just said are just the repeating of things I've heard over the last couple weeks in my own words. I just brought it to your attention, becuase I think you should know about it, so if you want to work it out I’m not the one to talk to.
and who would be the one to talk to then?
>What I mean about you feeding my paranoia is simple. I need people I’m sure I can trust, good friends I can talk to. Over the summer I became convinced that you were one of those people. Unfortunately I have a way of being always suspicious of people, especially when it comes to weather or not they give a shit about me. Is this a flaw, a weakness? Yes. And you, weather you mean to or not, rub a lot of salt into it. Even so, I’m not as week as you think I am. You don’t really know me.
yes...i probably don't really know you all that well. what's strange is that i feel like you ask alot of people. i can't handle things like you calling my house three times in one day until i finally pick up the phone. please just knock it off. i don't ask alot of you.
>Well that’s all that’s on my mind that’s associated with you right now. I’ve tried to state it in as plain and detached terms as possible. I’m sorry if I’m a blunt son of a bitch, but that was what you were asking for. That’s all for now.
>Y
>------
>Skylines a thousand miles below
>Stars shine and the moon is clear
>Nothing after no one
>Won’t you let me near
>Cause it’s a long long time to wait
>With one foot in the grave
>Glorified in the dying moment
>Is soul
>-Screaming trees
> PS: China is massing troops north of taiwan. we may be in for a little excitement over the next couple weeks.
never much cared for the screaming trees, myself. but hey, i'm sure you aren't fond of pj harvey, so there you are. oh, you were being nicely straight-forward and then you had to upend it with an apology. plain and detatched is always good! well. no matter. yes, it was what i was asking for. now i have it. toodles.
irene