Here's a story, about a lovely Catholic school girl who was having divine visitations and the depths of depravity to which one who is "touched" by god can sink...
The continuing story of Ass, the Mythical Ninja:
Written By: Rick Both
Nathan Hunley
Aaron Seibert
Stacey Kroeze
Eric Reasoner
Scot D. Anderson
It was a Tuesday in January. And, why shouldn't it be? Standing beneath
a lonely street light was a man. Not a spectacular man. Not an
extraordinary man. Not a man that gave anyone any reason at all to even
notice, even consider he was there. This man was average height, average
build. He had medium brown hair and a boring face. In fact, the only
thing interesting at all about this man was that he was dead. Just then
the light flickered out and several rats descended upon the body of our
hapless victim, tearing at his flesh and viciously fighting amongst
themselves for the tenderest bits. You know which bits I mean. By
morning, when the Catholic schoolgirls found his body it was practically
unrecognizable as having ever been a man.
****
When she got up that morning Tony the Holy Spirit had told Sarah that
she would meat someone interesting on the way to school that morning,
but the unimaginative little neophyte never thought it would be a dead
man. Conversely, Sarah's sister Barb (no one noteworthy called her Barb
the Psychic) had received a much clearer vision and was surprised not at
all when they came upon the corpse.
Looking back over her shoulder to Mark, who was vomiting emphatically
Barb proclaimed, "See. I told you. There's the dead man right there, you
idiot."
"Baaarrrrffff," was all Mark had to say.
"Shouldn't we tell someone?" Sarah asked in an astonishingly
unemotional tone.
"Tell someone. Shit, Sarah, I'm sure I've got better things to do than
sit around here listening to Mark puke, and telling some stupid cop that
we don't really know anything," retorted Barb.
"I wonder if this is the person I was supposed to meat this morning?"
queried Sarah.
"For Christ's sake sis, there really isn't much left to meat. Maybe
this is someone else."
RB
Sarah meated him anyway.
When she was done, Rachel, the sister, said, "That's gross."
"Baaarrrrffff," was all Mark had to say.
"Now what should we do?" inquired Sarah. "We can't just leave him
here."
"I say we pick him up,", began Connie, the sister, "walk him around and
act like he's alive." Frederica, the sister, props up the consistently
quiet corpse and starts to move his mouth, while she lowers her voice
and says, "Nice to meat you Mr. Heads."
"Weekend at Bernies much?", commented Sarah.
"Oh, Yeah...", said Jennifer, the sister, as she released the cadaver
to the ground with a *thud*.
****
On the other side of town Chip, the brother, was just loading the last
of the barrels onto his truck. He seemed to be in more of a rush than
usual. He had a similar vision as Sarah and Vanessa, his sisters. As
he drove wildly across town to meat his sisters. Chip wondered to
himself why he waited until after his shift to go see the body. He knew
there was more to life than hauling fetus'.
Flying around the corner, chip didn't see Mark, who was again hunched
over barfing. Chip plowed into Mark killing him instantly. Even if
Chip had seen him he would have probably done the same thing. You see,
Mark was a wholly uninspired, and unoriginal character, that no one
could believe in.
Stepping out of the truck, Chip looked at the girls and the body. The
girls looked at chip and Marks recently killed corpse. There was a long
moment of silence. Then Chip said something that would turn there whole
lives inside out and upside down.
NH
Chip said, "Hey guys, what say you
skip school and we head to Denny's for breakfast?" Sarah and Vanessa
exchanged a quick glance and decided to go with Chip, their brother, to
Denny's. After all, what did people who got personal messages from Tony
himself need with Catholic school? So, everyone hopped onto the fetus
truck, or meat-wagon as it was more commonly known, and headed downtown
to enjoy lots of greasy pork and pancakes, pausing only to give Sarah a
chance to meat Mark's recently mutilated corpse. The trio drove
downtown, blissfully unaware of the avant garde film student who had
captured the whole seen on his camcorder.
****
Chuck, the film student, wasn't sure what he should do with his new
footage. Should he take it to the police? Or perhaps to his professor?
After all he had managed to take full advantage of the dramatic lighting
of early morning and he might get extra credit. But Chuck decided
against both of these courses of action and instead took the tape to an
independent producer of cutting edge porn that he knew for no particular
reason.
When Chuck, the film student, showed the tape to Bruno, the producer,
he was disappointed to learn that there had been a recent glut of
necrophiliac-catholic school girl porn, and by the standards of the
industry what he had was quite tame. So he went with his alternate plan
and took the tape to the police instead. It was at the police station
that he was to meat Sgt. Ass and his life would be changed forever.
AS
"What have you got there, son?" Sgt. Ass asked
"Well sir, it's a video of some kids doing some wierd stuff to a
cor...p..se...." Chuck said as he trailed off into his own thoughts.
"I guess I'll just have to have a look at that. I will be right back."
the Sgt. stated. But Chuck was off in his own little world. He heard
nothing of what the guy was saying, for he was deep in his own thoughts.
'Should I have really gone to the police?' wondered Chuck. 'I still
can't get those images out of my mind.' As he thought deeper about the
subject, he realized that he was quite turned on by what he had filmed
earlier that day. 'I know there's isn't any demand for that kind of
film, but I still can't stop thinking about how I could have made the
video better.' All these thoughts rushing through Chucks mind were too
much for him.
He jolted back to reality as the video tape was being shoved in his
face. "What do you think this is?" demanded the Sgt. "If this was
supposed to be a prank then you should have probably ran out of here
when I went in the back room." he exclaimed.
"..Wh...what?" Chuck said stunned. "This isn't a prank, I really did
film it."
"Well, there's nothing on this tape, so you best be getting on your way
home now." said Sgt. Ass with a disgusted tone.
"Fine!" Chuck yelled. At that point he was enraged, what the hell
happened to the footage? He grabbed the video and stormed out of the
police station.
SK
****
Of course Bruno had kept the tape and gave Chuckeroo a tape of the
achievments of the Clinton administration. Bruno lied, Sarah was a wild
woman, he'd never seen anyone meat a corpse like that in ages. Bruno was
a fucked up individual and had to watch his grandfather die
while his grandmother rode him like a clydesdale. He was dead for the
last fifteen minutes of the deed and she didn't mind a bit. This was the
impetus behind his going into necro- porn.
Fortunately Bruno had a well-to-do silent partner who helped him get
the operation off the ground. Bruno quickly took this hot tape to his
partner. Soon, Bruno entered his partner's orifice... office.
"What's up Bruno?", said the shadowy figure.
"Check this out Tony!", exclaimed Bruno.
Surrounded by Count Chocula cereal and pork rinds there sit Tony the
Holy Spirit. He was watching re-runs of Three's Company and trying to
make his best Mr. Ferley face. "Pop it in", says Tony.
After watching it for a moment Tony was astonished! "That's the girl I
talked with this morning!!", he ejaculated astonishingilyilyily. "Have I
got some dirt on her now!"
"You know this girl?", asked Bruno.
"Hell ya, I talk with her in the shower every Monday," said Tony, "she
has the nicest pair of.... what the hell is she doing to that poor
body?!"
"The dead feel no pain Tony," said Bruno.
"Ya maybe, but she's gonna bite that damn thing off, what would she
do with it..... nevermind."
While Tony devises a plan to blackmail Sarah into a potentially deviant
lifestyle with a diety, let us return to Chuckachucka whose grieving is
still in progress......
"That was my meal ticket!! I was gonna be someone!! I'll be the
damn best boy grip for the rest of my life!!!," lamented Chucky.
Poor Chuck the fuck was distraught and was ready to try anything,
when he remembered...
"If I were to call Ass, the Mythical Ninja, he would help me! He's
quick to help everyone and his penchant for necro-porn is well known!!"
Soon Chuck-chuck-bo-buck had gathered all the elements required in
summoning Ass: lime jello dildo, Abba's first album, a copy of
Leprechaun 4: In Space, toad's wart, and three rare black gummi bears.
After reciting the magic lines that this narrator has forgotten Charles
found himself in the presence of Ass, the Mythical Ninja.
"I can't believe it worked," said Chuckerini, "I always thought you
were...."
"Mythical?" asked Ass.
"No, I heard you were Zamfir. I should've known you wouldn't defeat
your foes with a pan flute."
"Pan flutes are for wusses!" 'I can't let Chuckorama know that I was
the Sgt from this morning!', thought Ass. "What seems to be the problem
Chuckster?"
After relating the story to him, Ass was determined to find who had
that tape. His motives were mostly self serving, but he didn't know that
Sarah would let people watch for .27 and a quadruple burger from
Humdinger.
"You still look a little familiar though..." said Chuckinsky
"Oh really?" said Ass wiping the sweat from his.... brow.
"Generally you ask for some favor in return for doing deeds, but if you
do this for me I promise not to tell anyone that you're
really................ DOM DELOUISE!!!!!!"
[NOTE: Yes kids, Ass the Mythical Ninja is really Dom DeLouise.]
"Dammit!" said Ass, "My secret identity is no longer secret!! Ok,
it's a deal. fuckin' kid."
****
Walking into the room, she comes quickly to the unhappy conclusion, he
isn't here. Without a second thought, she backhanda a picture of two
obvious grandparents off the top of the Television. She swears under her
breath, something completely out of character for her. Quickly deciding
he must have found out about her, she tears through the room. When her
search is finally complete, she wonders to herself, 'What now.' And with
a final slam of the front door, she disappears into the night.
ER
****
Finally leaving Chuck behind, in his mysterious search for the missing
videotape, the mythical ninja quickly heads over to have a chat with,
none other than Tony himself...
"What's up Ass?", said the shadowy figure.
"Hey Tony, You know about that little mythical ninja thing I do on the
side right?", Ass asks.
"Yeah, all the deities do.", Tony explains patiently, "It was in the
newsletter two months ago."
"Really?", Ass asks, suddenly proud of himself, "I gotta tell Mom that
I actually got a spot in the Spiritual Times."
"Why did you come over here again? I got this great new video I was
about to watch, and your interupting.", Tony says, his excitement
showing in his voice.
That suddenly reminds the mythical ninja of why he is here. "Actually,
thats what I wanted to talk to you about. I know you get all the wacked
videos that come through the underground porn market. And I was
wondering if you got a tape of some schoolgirl doing freaky things to a
dead guy.", Ass asks.
"Sure", responds Tony, choping on some pork rinds, "You wanna see it?"
"Could I?", Ass asks. "I've been wanting to see it all day."
And without further wait, Tony scrambles for the remote, to show the
mythical ninja, the infamous tape.
****
"That sonofabitch!", Chuck exclaims loudly, then ducks in case anyone
heard him. You see, Chuck had also heard other stories about Ass, and
his underhanded tactics when it came to dealing with students. And when
Chuck found out he wasn't Zamfir, he knew he just couldn't trust him.
So, following Ass to the residence of Tony, he was listening to the
whole conversation from outside a partially open window.
Without a second though, Chuck pulls the gun he had gotten from Juan,
the gun dealer that he knew for no particular reason. Holding the pistol
in one hand, he pushes the window farther open with the ohter. Pointing
the gun directly at the mythical ninja, he empties the clip into him,
mindlessly slaughtering our hero.
"What's up Chuck?", said the shadowy figure.
"Oh, this guy just pissed me off.", explains Chuck, checking for a
pulse that isn't there.
"Hey, no problem with me, never did like Dom DeLouise much anyway.",
says Tony. "But it's a good thing Sarah isn't here, seeing her do her
particular brand of excitment to Dom, well, it might spoil my appetite."
[NOTE: Yes kids, Dom DeLouise is really dead, and no, he doesn't get
anything out of it.]
"Sarah? Is that her name?", Chuck asks, waving towards the still
running tape.
"Yeah, nicest pair of... hey, this is my favorite part.", exclaims
Tony.
"So Tony", Chuck broaches the subject cautiously. "I'd kinda like my
tape back. It's a uh... a uh... School project, on use of natural
lighting."
"Oh sure, no problem.", says Tony, "Just let me finish watching it, and
you can take it with you."
And Chuck leans back and finishes watching his beautiful Sarah too,
wondering idly to himself if she'd consider doing that with a live guy.
Practically skipping home with his tape, Chuck is blissfully unaware of
the eyes watching him, gauging him. And with a slow smirk rising on her
lips, she disappears into the night once again.
SA