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Why did she have to become a star? I was barely managing to hold my life together as it was, but to hear her voice every time I turn on the radio, to see her face every time I turn on the TV... how am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to move on when she's everywhere I turn?
Who am I trying to fool? I don't *want* to get over her. I don't want to be alone again. Max, Isabel, and Tess, sure they're here, they're my family, but they're not *her.* They're not my sweet, precious Maria.
I left her. It's not fair for me to be thinking these things. No, I shouldn't be missing her. But I am. The stonewall has disappeared into oblivion. Sometimes I wonder if it ever really existed. If it did, it was gone the moment I saw her.
I remember the first time I ever saw her on TV. It was on some MTV show that profiled new artists. She looked the same, and yet, so different. The spark had gone out of her eyes. The spark that had made her *her.* And I was to blame.
They asked her if she had a boyfriend. She said no. They've asked her that a million times, and the answer is always the same. No. Once they asked her if she had ever been in love, and I thought I saw some of the old sparkle in her eyes. She said yes.
Yes, she had been in love with me. Deep down inside, I knew it. I knew that she loved me. I kept hoping she didn't, that she was only playing games with me. That only I was hurting. I didn't ever want to hurt her. And so I convinced myself that she was fine, and had forgotten me. And you know what? It almost worked. I almost had myself fooled. Then the reporter asked her that question, and all illusion shattered. I had hurt her. She was still hurting.
But I couldn't help it! We had to leave! To save Earth, to save our planet-- it was our destiny, blah, blah, blah. Well, guess what? We saved our planet. They didn't want us there. We were hybrids-- we looked like *humans.* Sure, they loved the idea of a hero, but when the battle was done, they were more than ready to get rid of the "humans." So they dissolved our "destinies"-- if they ever existed in the first place-- and sent us back here. To Earth. Home. But we couldn't go back. Not to our old lived, our old loves. So we waundered. Ten years later, we're still waundering. Max, Iz, Tess, they can hide, pretend to forget about Roswell, but I can't even fake it. Not with her face and voice everywhere I turn. So I don't forget. I buy her CD's, go to her movies. It's almost like we have a connection-- almost like we're together. Almost.
And we're going back. To Roswell. We can't take up our old lives, but we can make new ones. We've been trying to evade the truth for ten years and it hasn't worked. Our home is in Roswell, New Mexico, and that's never going to change. And even if I never talk to Maria DeLuca again, at least I'll be where we were together, where I can remember the good times. And if she ever comes back, I'll be there. In two weeks, I'll be in Roswell again.
End
