i wish she would stop because i love her so much and i don't want her to be in pain. i don't know. i am a broken record, saying the same thing, over and over again.

a good thing happened the other day. i finally talked to this boy that goes on my bus to work. his name is russell. he has some kind of mental disability, and walks funny. but he is nice. and has the most beautiful big brown eyes. i feel happy just thinking about him and how he is. how beautiful and sweet and innocent he is.

11 October, 2000.

12.31am

haven't written for a long time. i think this is because a) i am lazy. b) my life has been in upheaval for the last month and a half at LEAST c) i am becoming increasingly disillusioned by the internet and choose instead to do something totally non-internet related.... PLAY GAMES. i am up to the fourth act in DIABLO 2 now. just have to defeat Diablo and i am home free. it has taken me about three months to get this far though.

anyway, what was i saying?

oh, asides from the usual pOstmodern blues and surrealist ventures into a non-druginduced state of psychosis slash depression--- i haven't been posting on this darndED blogger dot com thingo because... well, i don't care all that much.

the pointlessness of this communication has proved itself, once and for all. I initially thought writing in here could act as a sort of purging, a spewing forth of all things awful, degrading and humiliating. the darkness, the bleak wanton urges of my neuroses.... instead, being an essentially lazy person, i have chosen not to communicate with ANYONE least of all the faceless nameless out there in the Web.

things change when those moralistic splinters of responsibility start stinging my eyeballs and i feel it necessary to partake in even the smallest effort of social decorum... to update my website.... sick of all that *you haven't updated for SO long, wa!@* bullshit that my friends are giving me.

i really need to shave my legs

so you know, here it is and accept it in the mouth, you bastards.

christ almighty. If it wasn't always such a fucken mission with this goddamn computer, i guess i would be updating this page a lot more often. as it is, it takes me fucken half an hour to get in to check my email, so as you can imagine i am PRETTY FUCKED OFF by the time i have finished THAT that i can't be arsed doing anything else. Deepest apologies to anyone who is staying tuned. i will endeavour to be more prolific once i get a decent net connection.

ah yesssss. the big news. Moving to Drew's. Yesth, the drewbie that maintains this page and sends death threats if i don't update. My dad is under the impression that living with drew is going to either a) turn me into a lesbian, or b) we will have raucous licentious sex all over the place, thus c) cheating on jed and d) partaking in acts not *suitable* for a little girl.

he wrote of my *sexual experimentation*. HAHAHAHAHA. jesus christ. you would think that he raised me as the vestal virgin, the way he is carrying on. i mean- its as if moving in with drew is going to have me taking part in mass orgies, taking copious amounts of drugs and representing the lowest debasest form of human being possible. erm.

like that can't happen if i were to move in with a girl.

Oh my Gawd, its like, drew is *stho NAUGHTY*. (yes, that was a lisp).

i don't know. don't care. going to do it. i didn't do it last year because i was still being supported by him. so i was all meek and wanting to be good. but not now. ive grown* up, i support myself by working at *the worst job in the world* AND i think i know what is good for me and what is not.

fingers cold. supposed to be working on something for a friend of mine. its a belated birthday present, a lot of us are taking part. its VERY belated by now. over a month and a half or something. but OH well. it will be great when it is finished. Obviously i can't talk about it because he might read this page and blah blah blah.

i am so fucking bored. should try finishing a story that i was working on called *The Cormorant*. BUT I CAN"T EVEN FUCKING CHECK MY EMAIL. goddamn cunty thing.

i have four earring holes in my left ear. the second one from the bottom HURTS at the moment, because i left it empty for ages and ages, and have been wearing crap quality metals. so its all crusty and gross at the back.

went for a power walk thing today. nearly froze my tits off, so i came back after only about a mile and a half. was wearing a beanie and a scarf, and thick socks and a big jumper. felt like a snowman. looked like a retard.

it hailed on the way home from Jed's this afternoon too. *sigh. got wet. learnt to live with it.

American Psycho is BRILLIANT. Christian Bale is a complete babe. but i decided NOT to tell jed, because its in *bad taste* apparently, to tell your boyfriend the guys that you find attractive... so instead i will go on about the Bale's virtues here.... he is dead gorgeous. and i mean that in the MOST serious way. argh, sorry, if you haven't seen the film, i guess, its hard.

but see it. fully worth your admission.

also saw Hollow Man. have been on a film spree with Jed. two films in two days. AW my Gawd. Hollowman was good. fast and exciting. kind of scary. Very disgusting.

ooh. eleven new emails. Whose your daddy????

work tomorrow from 7pm till 5am. *sigh sigh. long night. LONG night. and on Saturday i work from 9pm-5am. but on sunday i only work from 4-10pm. which is okay. get home in decent time. MIGHT EVEN TAKE THE TRAIN. (its rare for me to even have the option of catching public transport after work. usually have to get taxi's because the buses and trains are closed)

pah. talking films with Michael. Clockwork Orange leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Profiler is on television. this new red headed sexy chick that i recognise from someplace not here.

chatting to sidewinder online. good that we can be civil and satisfyingly without passion or feeling. very- clinical, our relationship is now. which is good, i guess.

but isn't it strange how you can spend so long loving someone? and then things happen and life gets in the way and you're happy and don't need them the way you used to?

no sign of life from the crippled russian sub. fuck. what a way to fucking die. how fucking terrifying.

smaoking a cigarette

don't update this site as much as either i, or drew would really like. i don't know. feels so ____blank____ just sitting here, writing away. nothing at all, not knowing who reads this. its not even like writing. there are no characters, no flowing together of the words. everything seems so stilted.

but i try, yes?

hmm. 33 new messages. 1190kb of stuff in there. whats the bet that A) 1mb is from lucy, with her rude ass emails, the other 185kb is from radiohead australia with its mass mails.....

why am i complaining? least someone wrote me.

and you have really (and i mean REALLY baby REALLY) great legs.

[shame about the rest!!!]

(a close friend of mine said that once. about herself. *sigh.)

so it hailed about three times thismorning. i work in an hour and forty minutes. goddamn.

am reading a True Crime book about this guy called Herb Baumeister, who killed all these guys. He got of on auto-asphyxiation-erotica. or whatever it is called. i can't IMAGINE having to be strangulated near to death just so i can get the orgasm of my life. ew.