Of Males and Females ... and Sex
A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She egins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"
This couple finds themselves very hungry and thirsty after a long bout of lovemaking. It was freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.
After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed. They both think for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".
So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."
Three prostitutes -- a mother, daughter and grandmother -- lived together. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you do tonight, dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good. I got only 20 dollars for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother. "In my day we gave a blow job for 5 dollars." "Good God!" said Grandma. "In my day we were just happy to get something warm in our tummies.
A man went into a tattoo parlor and told the owner that he wanted a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. The owner asked him way. He replied, "I like to play with my money, I like to watch my $100 grow, and my wife can blow $100 on a moment's notice."
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: 'Pierre,
kiss me!' Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing, Pierre?', says the startled Marie. 'I am
Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine! She smiles and they start kissing.
When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.' Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. 'Pierre! What are you
doing?', asks the bewildered Marie. 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!' They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me lower!' Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?'
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
Stanley, the sperm, was always exercising. He wanted to be in top physical condition. One of the other sperm asks, "Stanley, why do you always work-out instead of lounging around like the rest of us?" Stanley replied, "Well, there is only one sperm that impregnates a woman. I am going to be that sperm."
A few days later, things started heating up and all the sperm were ready to go. When the time was right, Stanley was out-distancing all the other sperms by a great distance. Suddenly, Stanley started swimming back toward the other sperm, screaming wildly, "Go back, go back it's a blowjob!"
Mr.Nelson was on his regular postal route when he arrived at Mr. and Mrs. Jones house and, as usual, he went to the door and knocked to give them their mail. Mrs. Jones answered the door as usual but today was different than usual, she all of a sudden pulls him into the house and starts kissing him passionately and begins to rip off his clothes, well Mr. Nelson was quite dumbfounded, but he went along with it anyway.
After an hour or so they are finished and Mrs. Jones says, "wait here for a moment," she soon comes back with breakfast on a tray and there is $5 on it as well, this has gotten Mr.Nelson even more confused so he asks Mrs.Jones what this is all about and she replies by saying, "well you see this morning before my husband went to work I was having a talk with him and I mentioned that I thought it would be a good idea if we did something nice for you since you always bring our mail up to the door." "And he said, "Awww, fuck him, give him $5". "The breakfast was my idea!"
A man walks in to a bar with an alligator. He goes over to the bar and sits down to order a drink. The bartender says "I don't think you should be in here with that alligator. Those things are dangerous." "Not my alligator", the man replied, "watch." The man proceeded to take out his penis and put it in the alligator's mouth. He even went as far as to slap the snout of the 'gator while his penis was in there. All the gator did was smile.
"There see. Gentle as a baby. Does anybody else want to try?" "Ok." Said a voice from the back of the bar. "But don't slap me on the nose."
A man has a duck that he takes everywhere with him. One day he wants to go to a movie and of course the duck goes with him. "One adult and one duck," he says. "I'm sorry sir, we don't allow animals in the theatre." So he bought one ticket for himself, went to the back of the theatre and put the duck in his pants. After he is seated in the theatre and watching the movie, the duck being the smart guy that he is, unzips the guy's pants and sticks its head out.
There are two girls sitting next to him and the one closest to him looks over and gasps, "Look that man's penis is hanging out," she says to her friend. Whereupon her friend replies, "Whatever, like you've never seen one before."
"I know but this one is eating my popcorn."
Once upon a time, a man was transferred to this town by his job. It was a nice town and everything but the only problem was there were no women. He looked and looked for about a month, then he went into a bar. "What do you do for pleasure around here?" he asked the bartender. The bartender said, "You see that box over in the corner, go stick your dick in it." So the
man went over to the box and stuck his dick in it. He comes back ten minutes later, "Oh man, that felt good. When can I use that box?" he asked. The bartender said, "Everyday except for Wednesday."
The man said, "What happens on Wednesday?" The bartender said, "That is your day in the box!!!"
Return to the HUMOR SCOPE
Return to the HUMOR SCOPE
One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were discussing how their lives have been so far. The cucumber pleads his case saying how people grow him up long, plump and round. Then they pull him off his vine cut and dice him up to be put in salads.
The pickle says, "Oh, that's nothing. I start out as a cucumber but they manipulate and throw me in juices and seasoning so i turn out tasting nothing like you before they eat me.
Finally the penis says, "Screw you two, I'd love to have a life that easy. What I have to go through is pure hell. They grow me up long, plump and round, throw me in a bag, then stick me in a dark cave and
make me do push ups until I puke."
