Mario Miguel Chaoui, the 20-year-old Cuban baseball player who left his team while in Minnesota over the weekend, surfaced in Miami on Monday and said he planned to apply for political asylum…
… Sorry, you're too old for the Gonzalez family to adopt…
In a planned protest against the British royal family, the Movement Against the Monarchy (MAM) are organizing the first ever mass public "mooning" outside Buckingham Palace. According to their website, their goal is to gather "2000 bare butts…" … Queen Elizabeth can just pretend they're kneeling…
Tommy Lee, who served four months jail time for kicking his wife, actress Pamela Anderson, could be sent back to prison for violating his probation by drinking alcohol… … Fortunately he was drinking beer with fewer calories, so it'll be a Lite sentence…
President Clinton told reporters that Buddy, his chocolate Labrador, sometimes sleeps with him when first lady Hillary Clinton is away from the White House…
… When Hillary is home Bill's usually in the dog house,
anyway…
… Far be it from me to say it isn't the first dog he's been
caught sleeping with…
… It's like sleeping with Hillary, except there's less hair…
Mike Tyson is chomping at the bit to fight world heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis. "Let's go man to man. Me and Lewis - in the streets if he wants to. No bodyguards or anything. He can't beat me there and he can't beat me in the ring," Tyson said…
… Watch it Mike - he's kind of tall for you to be able to get to his ear…
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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention study,
compared changes in gonorrhea rates to changes in alcohol
policy in all states from 1981 to 1995. In years following
beer tax increases, gonorrhea rates usually dropped among
young people…
… From one drip to another…
"Alcohol has been linked to risky sexual behavior among
youth. It influences a person's judgment and they are more
likely to have sex without a condom, with multiple partners
or with high-risk partners," said Harrell Chesson, a health
economist with the CDC…
… Budweiser's new mascot: "Studs MacKenzie"…
Beer industry lobbyists, however, said recent statistics show young people are already drinking more responsibly, thanks in part to efforts by brewers…
… You know, if you put a condom over the beer bottle, you
can't get drunk in the first place…
"Excise taxes have little or nothing to do with alcohol abuse in society," said Lori Levy of The Beer Institute in Washington. "I think that our members understand the
importance of educating young people about how to make responsible choices once they're old enough and they put a lot of money and effort into those programs."…
… Now only rich guys can afford the beer and the babies, so
everything works out, see?
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident which they say has been covered up by the military.
On March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was
born.
29-APR-2000
Race driver Lee Petty, winner of the very first Daytona 500, and the head of four generations of the stock car driving Petty family, died in a North Carolina hospital on Wednesday at the age of 86…
… I wonder if his casket is going to have all those sponsor
stickers on it?
… His hearse is currently doing 206 MPH around the last
curve to the cemetery…
A Japanese condom maker is branching out to produce novelty chocolates with the same attention to detail it applies to rubber molds used to make contraceptives. However the chocolates, shaped like animals and sumo wrestlers, have not sold as well as they had hoped…
… Check for cocoanut in the reservoir tip…
Clint Eastwood's watering hole is reopening. The Hog's
Breath Inn closed last April when one of the actor's
partners wanted to get out of the 27-year-old business. But
Palm Springs restaurateur Kaiser Morcus says he has signed a
15-year lease with Eastwood's management company to reopen
the eatery and keep its famous name…
… I'm not sure I'd want a dirty, hairy burger…
… Dinner costs you a fistful of dollars…
… The special of the day is the Spaghetti Western…
It was election time, and the politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the council hall to hear the speech.
The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya, hoya."
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.
"I promise gambling reforms to allow a casino on the reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting, "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the politician was touring the reservation and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."
The Stephen King novella "Riding the Bullet," which was
released exclusively over the Internet, caused a flood of
readers to download copies at $2.50 a pop. It also caused a
flood of hackers to rush online, disable the encryption
technology used to protect the novella from copyright
violations, and make the ghost story available for free…
…Stephen King's next tale of gut-wrenching horror? "The Hackers Who Ate My Profits."
Despite rumors surrounding both teams, the Atlanta Braves and Expos insist they are not working on a deal that would send John Rocker to Montreal…
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little girl (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then, why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty." "There are two things I've learned: There is a God. And, I'm not Him."
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After losing his appeal in the Kentucky state Supreme Court, actor Woody Harrelson's marijuana possession case is headed back to county court for trial. In 1996, Harrelson planted four hemp seeds, knowing he would be arrested, in order to
challenge a law which banned possession of any part of the cannabis plant…
… He promises if he has any more cannabis he'll burn it immediately…
IN THE WORLD OF SPORTS:
San Diego Padres outfielder Al Martin met with his teammates for the first time since his arrest in a bizarre bigamy/domestic violence case Thursday, and expressed heartfelt concern about the impact it might have on the organization…
… He said he considered them all to be like family to him - so they immediately asked for restraining orders…
IN THE WORLD OF RICH PEOPLE:
After appearing on the "Today" show for five straight days, John and Patsy Ramsey's next stop will be CNN's Larry King Live on Monday and Tuesday…
… Just keep them away from the kids on "Sesame Street"…
Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets
of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it turns closer towards dusk, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."
"Mommy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?"
WHO SAYS POLITICS AND RELIGION DON'T MIX?
There's the case of Republican candidate George W. Bush who finds himself in an airport standing in front of a long-haired man in a long robe holding some stone tablets.
The affable Bush asks, "Aren't you Moses?"
"Please leave me alone," the aged figure pleads. "The last time I spoke to a bush it meant 40 more years wandering the desert."
There are more than a few variations on Genesis. This one is strictly for the birds.
After a few days in paradise the Lord calls to Adam and says, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answers, "Yes, Lord, but what is a kiss?"
The Lord gives a brief description to Adam, who takes Eve by the hand and goes behind a nearby bush to practice.
Later, the Lord tells Adam he should caress Eve. Again Adam is confused so the Lord provides directions and Adam and Eve again vanish behind the bushes.
Later, Adam is just as perplexed when told to make love to his wife. Again comes divine guidance, and Adam and Eve go behind the bushes, only for Adam to quickly emerge to ask:
"Lord, what's a headache?" Hundreds of people gathered to catch a glimpse of Monica Lewinsky's appearance at Henri Bendel in New York. The upscale store is exclusively selling Lewinsky's line of handbags…
… Each purse comes with special compartments for lip gloss, mouthwash and Tic-Tacs…
IRS TAX FORM CHANGE ALERT:
We've just been informed that the Internal Revenue Service has simplified its 1040 forms for next year in the spirit of becoming a "kinder, gentler" IRS. It goes like this:
(A) HOW MUCH DID YOU MAKE LAST YEAR?____________
(B) HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE LEFT?_________________
(C) SEND IN AMOUNT ON LINE B. Every cloud has a silver lining -- it's a matter of perspective.
Consider the fellow who hands his application for a job to the manager of a company's human resources department. The manager notices the applicant has been fired from every job ever held.
"I must say," says the manager, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Hey!" says the fellow, poking the application with his finger. "At least I'm not a quitter."
When the office dunderheads -- and there are thousands -- stop by to pester you, consider these remedial replies:
--I don't work here -- I'm a consultant.
--I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
--I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
--I'm not being rude you're simply insignificant.
--I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
--I have plenty of talent and vision -- I just don't give a damn.
The newest books hit the shelves this week .....
--"How to Please Women" by John Bobbit
--"Things I Would Not Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
--"The Wild Years" by Al Gore
--"Amelia Earhart's Guide to Pacific Ocean Routes"
--"America's Most Popular Lawyers"
--"The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
And you thought dealing with your HMO was difficult? Consider what terrors the redneck's HMO could offer.
--The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's.
--The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgsicles.
--The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.
--Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
--The only 100-percent covered expense is embalming.
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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
carriage.The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do *Not* Step on the Exhaust."
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida ........ and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
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BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
OFFSPRING:
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!
1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You! ... Off my planet!
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
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... THE NEWS IS OUT ..... The ingredients of Viagra have finally been announced:
... 2% aspirin
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man says, "I do Father."
The priest says, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approaches a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," is the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan," says the priest, and he walks up to O'Toole. "Do you want to go to heaven?" "No, I don't Father," O'Toole replies.
The priest looked him right in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole smiles, "Oh, when I die, yes, Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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As soon as you sign up and register your credit card, PayPal.com will automatically send you $10! I recently signed up for PayPal and got my $10 bonus right away.
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REFER YOUR FRIENDS AND EARN UP TO $1,000 ..... After you sign up, you'll get an email to send to friends and family, and PayPal.com will give you $10 for each friend or family member (up to 100) that signs up and registers a credit card. It's that easy!
THIS WEEK'S BUMPER STICKER SIGHTINGS ....
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? ... Write For Help
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY TO FOLKS AT WORK, BUT CAN'T
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
Not all men/women are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
Last Updated: 29-APR-00
… I wonder if Cuba will take Rocker instead of Elian Gonzalez?
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25-MAR-2000
STRICTLY FOR THE BIRDS:
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Amish Country Sign
... 2% ibuprofen
... 1% Vitamin C
........... 95% Fix-A-Flat
