The U.S. government is willing to allow Elian Gonzalez's Cuban schoolmates to stay in the country to keep him company for two more weeks…

… And if they learn how to play baseball they can stay indefinitely…

The torch that will carry the Olympic flame to the summer games in Sydney was ignited Wednesday, 5/10/2000, at Ancient Olympia in Greece, the birthplace of the games…

… Next comes the ceremony in which an Olympic Official gets lit up and sleeps with a hooker…

Just days after admitting that a Manhattan divorcee with whom he's been seen is "a very good friend," New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani announced that he and wife Donna Hanover are seeking a legal separation…

… And Hillary thought Rudy and her husband Bill had nothing in common…

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."

---Woody Allen

Q: What do you do to the elephant with three balls?

A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk"

Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90............

Canada will consider striking down a 244-year-old provincial law that offers hunters a bounty for Indian scalps, following complaints by native groups. The Nova Scotia government has asked Ottawa to confirm that the 1756 proclamation by then-governor William Lawrence no longer has any force or effect…

… And the US will give back Manhattan… if the Indians give back the blankets and beads… and they better be the ORIGINAL ones or the deal's off…

Fortune magazine is reporting that Sammy Sosa's charitable foundation in the Dominican Republic is almost bankrupt. Sosa donated a building to the non-profit foundation, but many of the tenants don't pay rent. They include Sosa's sisters, who run a boutique, disco and beauty shop out of the building. The magazine also quotes a member of the foundation's board as saying he once bought Sosa's brother a sports car with foundation money…

… So the Sosa Foundation is just what it says - a charitable organization for Sosas…

IRS TAX FORM CHANGE ALERT:

We've just been informed that the Internal Revenue Service has simplified its 1040 forms for next year in the spirit of becoming a "kinder, gentler" IRS. It goes like this:

(A) HOW MUCH DID YOU MAKE LAST YEAR?____________

(B) HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE LEFT?_________________

(C) SEND IN AMOUNT ON LINE B.

WINNIE THE POO AND GANG ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE ....

Winnie the Poo: Has an addiction problem; a serious one. He tears up Rabbit's house and climbs trees (attacking hives of bees), all to get his fix.

Rabbit: Is obviously obsessive compulsive. With a healthy splattering of control issues.

Piglet: Is defiantly neurotic, not to mention paranoid; the little pig will hardly leave his own house.

Owl: Has an inferiority complex. Must he pretend to be so smart?

Tigger: Is maniac depressive. Haven't you ever noticed how he's always bouncy, bouncy, bouncy until things don't go his way, and then he gets very quiet and very solemn, going TTFN?

Roo: Is the child of broken marriage; need I say more?

Kanga: Well, for one, she has issues raising Roo, sticking the boy with suspicious characters Winnie the Poo and Tigger when she can't take it. And where is the father?

Christopher Robin: Thinks his stuffed animals talk to him. He's schizophrenic. At age 6.

Every cloud has a silver lining -- it's a matter of perspective.

Consider the fellow who hands his application for a job to the manager of a company's human resources department. The manager notices the applicant has been fired from every job ever held.

"I must say," says the manager, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Hey!" says the fellow, poking the application with his finger. "At least I'm not a quitter."

When the office dunderheads -- and there are thousands -- stop by to pester you, consider these remedial replies:

--I don't work here -- I'm a consultant.

--I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

--I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

--I'm not being rude you're simply insignificant.

--I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

--I have plenty of talent and vision -- I just don't give a damn.

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! ssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD...they got my girlfriend too!!!"

30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.

A sure sign of growing old is when your farts are wet and your dreams are dry!

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."

The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"

To which the dentist replies: "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the Men's Room. It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and many drinks. The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?" "Yes."

"You come from Sudbury?" "Yes."

"Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?" "Yes, I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?"

The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle and you're peeing in my shoe!"

MORE TOP STORIES IN THE COUNTRY 'N WESTERN BIBLE ...

Daniel in the Cheatin', Drinkin' 'n Lyin' Den

"...and even though the people begged to be let upon the Ark, Noah did give them the finger."

Peter is released from his contract with the Jerusalem Apostles after denying three times, in a widening illegal-recruiting investigation, that he ever met with Coach Jesus improperly.

Robertson 5:15 - "The Story of the *Original* Zionist-Occupied Government

Joseph-Bob and the Amazing Rhinestone-Studded Belt Buckle of Many Colors

Sodom and Hey, That Feller's Lookin' At You Funny Again!

"...and Bobbi Sue begat Uncle Rufus, and Uncle Rufus begat Jo Beth, and Jo Beth begat Cletus..."

Moses leads a mess o' kinfolk through a sea of red necks.

Jesus turns water into Coors Light... and nobody notices!

"Jesus did moan and wail and gnash his teeth for he knew not the steps to the Sandal-Scootin' Boogie."

"...and the burning bush his wife showed to Moses turned out to be naught but an infection of yeast."

"...and on the seventh day, God created JET POWERED FUNNY CAR RACES AT THE COLISEUM!!!

It's the truth .....

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

The Top 10 Signs your Teletubby is Gay:

10. The pages of all his Barney books are sticky.
9. He keeps redecorating Barbie's Dreamhouse.
8. The TV screen in his stomach only plays figure skating and men's gymnastics.
7. He's started waxing the purple fuzz on his back.
6. You spotted this classified recently: "Bi-curious purple male, swimmer's build, into hiking, skiing and intergalactic travel, seeks same for friendship first. No fats or fems."
5. Mr. Rogers started a petition to get "his kind" out of the neighborhood.
4. That triangular antenna on his head only picks up Abba music.
3. He's been sleeping on Matt Damon's couch.
2. He carries GQ and an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue in his little red bag.
1.He plans to marry Cindy Crawford.

Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

It looks like in the future sex education in our schools will begin in a history class.

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