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Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.



One day a boy named Joe was at school. For his homework he had to interview a family member. He decided to interview his mother. He came home and said "Mommy, I have to interview you for school." She said okay and lets him proceed to ask her questions. The first question was how much do you weigh. The response was, "ladies don't tell their weight." He said "Okay," and asked, "how old are you?" His mother said, "Ladies don't tell their age." She said, "You can ask me one more question." He said, "Mommy why did your marriage fail?" She replied, "That is none of your business, go interview someone around the neighborhood. "I have to get some things done."

The next day..... Joe comes home and says, " Mommy, I got an A+ on my homework." She says, "Really. Who did you interview?" Joe replies, "You." "Last night when you were sleeping, I went through your wallet and got your driver's license. You are 42, 150 pounds, and the reason your marriage failed was because you got an F in sex."


CHECK YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES........

LEWINSKY VIRUS: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after one byte

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb and then slowly expands to 200mb.

DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: You can no longer insert disks into your computer

TITANIC VIRUS: Your whole computer goes down.

DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes goofy

PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your ram, but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS: Only attacks minor files

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.

VIAGRA VIRUS: Turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.


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Attitudes of the World ... Catastrophic Karma ...

1. Blessed are the rich and famous, for they will be recognized as important people.

2. Blessed are they who party, for they will enjoy life to the fullest.

3. Blessed are the aggressive, for they will inherit the earth.

4.Blessed are those who do their own thing, for they will find personal fulfillment.

5. Blessed are those who take care of number one, for they don't need to worry about anyone else.

6. Blessed are the wheelers and dealers, for they are winners in the dog-eat-dog world.

7. Blessed are those who don't get involved in others problems, for they will avoid getting caught in the middle.

8. Blessed are those who don't rock the boat, for they will be liked by everyone.


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When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?


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