Little Johnny was in school one day and the teacher asked the class to use the word fascinate in a sentence. One little girl raised her hand and said, "When I went to the zoo, the elephants fascinated me." "That's good" said the teacher, "but I want you to use the word fascinate." Another little girl raises her hand and says "The clouds in the sky are very fascinating." "That's good" said the teacher, "but I want you to use the word fascinate."
Finally Little Johnny raises his hand and the teacher thought to herself, "There is no way he can say anything dirty with this word." Little Johnny says, "My older sister has this sweater with ten buttons on it, but her boobs are SO large that she can only fascinate"
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Johnny! What is your problem?!" Johnny says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!" The teacher had had enough.
As a result, she took Johnny to the principal's office and explained Johnny's request. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnny's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnny failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought into the room. The principal told Johnny his terms and Johnny agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnnie: "36" Principal: "What is 9 x 9?" Johnny: "81" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnny appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnny can go on to the third grade."
The teacher, knowing Little Johnny's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?" The principal and Johnny both agreed, Johnny with a sly look on his face.
The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?" Johnny: "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnny 's expected answer, Johnny said, "Pockets." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"
... The Dixie Chicks Wide Open Spaces
One day, during English class, the teacher says, "Who can tell me the meaning of "indifferent'?" The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another. No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny sticks up his hand. The teacher, hesitant, calls on him. "Yes, Johnny?" "Teach, it means 'lovely'." Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think "indifferent' means 'lovely'?"
"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mom say, "Oh, that's lovely." Then Dad replied to her, "Yep, it's in different."
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nestwith some eggs." "Very good, William," said the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded byhundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to screw with the Lone Ranger."
Little Johnny and Susie Smith are only 10 years old. But they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married. So Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, Me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" So without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay than how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance. Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month. That should do us just fine."
>By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something
that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of Lifesaver candies and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored Lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's
something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, Lil' Johnnie coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out! Spit 'em out! They're assholes!!"
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down
and have a talk with Johnny about this."
so Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First of all, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...
so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "Okay, now take off my skirt... and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra ... which he does. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties. When Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
Return to the HUMOR SCOPE
The teacher is teaching her class about the alphabet and, of course, there is one student, little Johnny, who has a propensity to be disruptive. The teacher asks the class "Who can tell us a word that begins with the letter 'A'?" Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher thinks, "I can't call on him, he'll say 'ass," so she calls on little Mary instead. Little Mary says "A stands for apple! A big bright red apple!"
"Very good, little Mary," says the teacher.
"Now, who knows a word that begins with the letter 'B'?" Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher doesn't call on him for fear that his word will be "Bitch." Instead, she calls on little Joey. "Bike," says Joey, "A bright blue bike!" "Very good, Joey," says the teacher.
She continues to run through the alphabet, but each letter she comes to has a
corresponding curse word, so she continues to skip over Little Johnny. Finally,
she comes to the letter "R." By this time, Little Johnny is fit to burst. He is waving his hand wildly, and the teacher thinks to herself "You know, I can't think of a single dirty word that begins with the letter 'R'! Maybe it is safe to let him have this one!" So, the teacher says "OK, Little Johnny you can give us a word that begins with the letter 'R'."
Little Johnny responds, "R is for Rats! Big fuckin' rats! With nuts THIS
BIG!"
Little Johnny found his dad carrying a condom towards his parent's bedroom and asked, "What is that for?"
His father replied, "I'm going to go catch mice in the basement."
Little Johnny said to his dad, "Then what are you going to do ... screw 'em?"
... The Dixie Chicks Wide Open Spaces
