While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar.
To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi, and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young guy rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans, and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
A man and his monkey go into a bar. The man orders up a beer, while he's drinking the monkey is running all over the bar. Next thing you know the monkey grabs the cue ball from the pool table and eats it! The bartender just stands there watching not knowing what to do. The man calmly gets up and leaves with the monkey.
A couple of days later the man and his monkey come into the same bar. The man orders a beer. While he's drinking the monkey is running all over the bar again. But this time he grabs a peanut, sticks it up his ass, pulls it back out and then eats it.
This time the bartender asks the man, "Did you see that? He stuck the peanut up his ass and then ate it!!
The man replies, "Yea, I saw it. Ever since he ate that cueball he checks everything for size."
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender, gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another". As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to suprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says " Geez, what did you say." The man says " I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!".
A guy walks into a bar and starts dialing numbers on his hand and talking into it, like a telephone. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand; I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
To prove it, the guy dials up a number and holds out his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible," the bartender tells him. "I would have never believed it!"
"Now where is the men's room?" the guy asks. The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the worst given the tough neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.
There is the guy, spread-eagle on the wall....his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. The bartender screams, "did they rob you? How much did they get?" The guy turns and says: "Nobody robbed me -- I'm just waiting for a fax!"
A guy walks into a bar. He orders a drink, then has to go to the bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink, so he puts a sign on it which says, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK." After a few minutes he returns, to see another sign next to his beer which says, "SO DID I."
So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed.
Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling. The old man is thinking, "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her." The old lady is thinking, "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."
