Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a
wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to
be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink
beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me
soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at
the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know, these are the same
thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up
anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger-how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The answer is always either sex or sports, though I have to
make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is
OK, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
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Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have
to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you
every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time
and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and
everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find
this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is
fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
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