Ethnic Humour
If you are offended by jokes with an ethnic twist ...
this is not the page for you!
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some
astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo
elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew.
The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son
translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the
moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a
message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional
opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape
recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son
to translate. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest
of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the
elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official
government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch
out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what was up with that ... was the guy goofy or what? "No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.
Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.
The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.
As he looked in amazement he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!"
Well... he took off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of esctasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.
The next day, the headlines in the newpaper read ...
NAKED POLACK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!!
Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening...
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "Your're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shovelling, and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies.
"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."
So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."
The foreman is really ticked off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from a closet and yells: "SUPPLIES!"
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns, smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average." "Very interesting," the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry, she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
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A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak... "Father, I am going to marry!" His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila... "Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?" "O'Brien" replies the son... "She's Catholic..." "Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?" "I'm happy," says the son.. "Ok...as long as you're happy.... my blessings to you both," replies
Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah...
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, "Father ... I too will be married soon!" Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises... "What is her name," implores the father? "Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox..." "Oy," says Moisha... "But are you happy?" "I'm happy, father..."
"Ok... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha ...
Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.. "Please God... let my remaining son Chutzpah
marry a nice Jewish girl... to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE!"
Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father! I am to wed in the spring!" "Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?" his father immediately demands. "Goldberg!" says Chutzpah!
Moisha is beside himself with joy! "Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles? "No..." says Chutzpah ... "Hmmm," says Moisha..."Must be Attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Hollywood?" "Ah...no, father" says Chutzpah ... "Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful Son?
"Whoopi." says Chutzpah.
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer going at it with a sheep. The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"
One guy says to another guy, "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..." Right away, his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"
So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."
Q: How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and stops them. They show him their papers, but he thinks they are phony. He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use the words liver and cheese in a sentence."
So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch." The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he asks the second guy.
He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks, "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?"
The Saudi replies, "Excuse me, what's a 'shortage'?"
The Russian replies, "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean replies, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
Finally, the New Yorker replies, "What's Excuse me?"
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five sessions a week. And what does he
talk about? Me."
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week.
"Fluctuations" explained the clerk.
The Asian man storms out, and just before slamming the door, he turns around and says, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements, she met with her rabbi to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted, etc. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?" "That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
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