Ed had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend, Samantha, being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and Samantha going at it in the backseat.
The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and Samantha entwined,
then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
This good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor he asked "Is this your floor?" Yep.
Then he got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs. But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried
"For God's sake officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
