Non-Categorized Archives
Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager. He excuses himself to go
to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet. His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Do you need an operation or something?" Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a public restroom, and I'm taking a leak, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says, "Hey! Aren't you Sean Connery?
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers ~ those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on
There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet.
The London Daily Mirror reports that the tell-all book being prepared on Monica Lewinsky may be scooped by a comic book. A Florida-based publisher, Jeff Mason, is rushing out a work under the same title, ''Monica's Story''...
... If you see a big white splotch on her cape it isn't an "S"...
An elderly Mr. Johnson and the widow Joyce Smith were sitting in the lobby of a retirement home. Mr. Johnson, a widower himself, says to Joyce, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few
candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget." Joyce considers this for a moment and then, after digging through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. Mr. Johnson says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"
Joyce says, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
I know why men name their private parts. . . They wouldn't want ninety percent of their decisions made by a total stranger.
Return to the HUMOR SCOPE
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn`t a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear excrement. Black bear excrement is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear excrement has little bells in it and smells like pepper.
I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her
saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what *you've* been doing.
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Return to the HUMOR SCOPE
A secretary walked into her boss's office & said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once"
"All right. "Here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist - were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed. The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles. The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable.
The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter saying the following: "Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear to God Almighty, I am going to kill the maniac that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly."
Two women were having a conversation one afternoon. "So I took my 4 month old son to the doctor." explains one of the women. "At first, the baby was all smiles. Then, the doctor gave him a shot, and he frowned for the rest of the appointment. When we were just about finished, the doctor explained to us that it takes only 17 muscles to smile, but it takes 43 muscles to frown."
"That explains how my husband stays in such great shape!" responded the second woman.
