The CHUCKLES List Archives
Did you know that all over New York City elevators are having labels taped over the 'UP' button that read: VIAGRA
And over the 'DOWN' button is a similar label reading: MONICA
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help. "The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much," said the nun. "Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade." said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually used is "%#$&*%$ shovel".
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years! Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin," the beachcomber said. "Really?' said the tourist. The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts." "Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility." The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a retired minister. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray." Immediately the group bowed their heads to pray...except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the minister asked. "I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger. "Well, just do something religious!" instructed the minister. So the man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one, Dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter met them. They asked if they could still be married in Heaven. 'Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay there and I will be right back.'
Six months passed and finally Peter returned. 'Yes, we can do this for you.' The couple replied, 'Well as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we could be divorced if the marriage doesn't work out?'
To this St Peter answered, 'It took me six months to find a priest up here...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer!'
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two
Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we
should learn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower?
A: Give her a bottle of shampoo that says "Wash, rinse, and repeat.
A 104 year-old woman was being interviewed by a reporter. "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. "No peer pressure" she responded.
Words that Sound Dirty but Aren't:
...dictum
...joystick
...Volvo
...bungalow
...cowlick
...toadstool
...upercalifragelistickexpeeallidouches
...titmouse
...holepuncher
...crotchety
...kumquat
...shiitake
...cockeyed
...gobbledygook
and the Number 1 Word That Sounds Dirty but Isn't...
...Rubbermaid