He's Been Archived

"Doctor, Doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctor's office. "I think I'm turning into a man." The doctor says, " Now hold on little lady, what makes you think that you're turning into a man?" "Well," said the woman, "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest." The doctor asked, " Well then, how far down your chest is your hair growing?" She replied, "All the way down to my penis".

OF MEN AND WOMEN ....

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.

Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that she would love you instead of laugh at you.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
..... That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."

There was a guy in a bar one night who got very very very drunk. I mean really really really plastered. When the bar was getting ready to close, he got up and stumbled out the door. As he left, he noticed a nun walking down the street, so he stumbled over to her, and punched her in the face. The punch stunned her, and she fell to the ground. The drunkard grabbed her by her rosary beads and started kicking her in the face. Then in the ribs. Then in the face again. After the beating, he leaned over her bruised body and said, "You're not such a tough guy tonight ... are you Batman?"

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?" "You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of Cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!