Mommy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?
On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane. About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess "Yes, I'm fine," said the man. Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?" "Yes," said he man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants." "What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not housebroken?" "No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"
Bore -- One who insists upon talking about himself when you want to talk about yourself.
At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, " Yes. And my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is 8 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position. "Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, pull it out," she screams out..."I can't get pregnant...aaahhhhhhhh!"
Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonnaise all over my face.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the maid. She thought of a plan to take him by surprise. One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed. Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her. After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?"
"I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur.
A young couple gets caught parking. The cop says, "What do you think you're doing?" The guys says, "Officer, we're just necking." The cop says, "Yeah? Then you better put your neck back in your pants and get the hell out of here."
A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and the three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans. One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there". A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think they'll find me there."
The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out "I told you not to peek!!"
Philip was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was. "It's the wife," said Philip. "As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week". "Well you should think yourself lucky", said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"
What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages? I've been married for years, and I keep having the same sex.
Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing. "But," she told him, "it didn't end all that great for me." "Why, what happened?" he asked.
"I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn't go out far because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!" "For goodness sakes, sweety, what did you do?"
"Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do. I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could."
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans-and-a-Tshirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the gorilla exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited by the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests shepucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla, and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache.........."
Guido: "Why don't we ever hear of a thief burglarizing a politicians house?"
Tony: "Professional courtesy."
Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the incident, he said he would stay home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes!
The man replied, "Great, give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife."
