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MADONNA's TOP TEN LIST FOR HER 2ND PREGNANCY
10. Make sure the new baby's father is off the payroll before the birth.
9. Charge more than five bucks a square in the "Who's the Daddy" office pool.
8. Won't sell this child's soul to Satan for three more years of pop success.
7. Use eBay to auction the turkey baster.
6. Crave pickles and ice cream rather than Jim Beam.
5. Inject Slim-Fast into her belly to avoid becoming overweight.
4. Restrict number of total strangers with whom she has sex.
3. Get a good look at the father this time, just in case they meet at a party down the line.
2. Get a wider variety of drugs, instead of limiting the baby to one addiction.
1. Work much harder to turn stretch marks into the next big fad.
A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, I've got a sore ass, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?"
The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking." "Fair enough," replied the lush. "I'll come back when you sober up."
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"
The Top Five Pet Peeves of Morticians:
Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"
..... and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...
Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
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