When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
Murphy's Laws on Work
- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- The more junk you put up with, the more junk you are going to get.
- You can go anywhere you want, if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Bill Clinton walks into a whorehouse looking for some fun. He sees three women that he really wants to screw, but can't decide which one to do first. He approaches the first lady and says, "Hi. I'm Bill Clinton. How much would it cost me to spend some time with you?" She says, "Oh, the president! For you, two hundred and fifty dollars." Clinton appraoches the second lady and asks the same thing. She says one twenty five.
Clinton approaches the third girl and asks the same question. She says, "Well, if you can get my skirt as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get your dick as hard as the times, keep it as high as the meat and gas prices, and screw me the way you do the public, it wouldn't cost you a goddamn cent!"
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing down.
This goes on for awhile when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail".
The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. I told her yesterday I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!".
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."
MORE MURPHY'S LAW ON WORK ....
- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in and say nothing about the other.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
A guy meets a girl at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They got back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
They clear off the bed and go at it. Later, after the sex, he turns to her and asks..."well, how was I?"
She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
A Blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger blown off.
"How did this happen?" the doctor asked.
"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the Blonde replied.
The doctor asked, "Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"
"No, silly! First I put the gun between my breasts and I thought I just paid $10,000 for these, then I put it in my mouth and I thought I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened. So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought this is going to make a
loud noise, so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the condo of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him way
too long to return.
One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the wall between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.
When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know why it is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."
"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't helping none either."
Jon, Brian, and Saddam were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing as how it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Jon won the first prize: a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Brian won the second prize: six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
Saddam won the sixth prize: a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Saddam asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
"Great," said Jon. "I love spaghetti."
"So do I," said Brian. "And how's the toilet brush, 'Saddam?"
"Not so good," Saddam confided. "I'm going to have to go back to paper."
