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TOP TEN STORIES IN THE COUNTRY 'N WESTERN BIBLE ....
---The feeding of the masses with one little ol' chicken-fried steak, a mess o' greens and some hog jowls.
---"...and I reckon thou oughtta keep yer hands offa thine neighbor's truck, also."
---David vs. Goliath in the Monster Truck & Tractor Pull
---"...and Jerry Lee did spilleth his seed upon his cousin."
---The Parable of the Willing Sheep
---Jim Bob explains to the Game Warden that all them fishes in his boat just up and multiplied.
---"...and Jesus approached the tomb and yelled: 'Lazarus! Get your bony ass out here, boy!'"
---Noah and his Big-Ass Bass Boat
---Moses parts the Mississippi so the Senior Citizens' bus can make it to Branson.
............and the Number 1 Story in the Country N Western Bible...
---Foxworthy 3:16 -- "You Might Be An Israelite If..."
Two sisters living together, and one became quite ill. Actually her doctor told her she had but a short time to live. She spoke to her sister and said "Jennie, when I die and you put up a gravestone, I want you to inscribe it just the way I tell you. "I want them to put my name on it and underneath":
"BORN A VIRGIN"
"LIVED A VIRGIN"
"DIED A VIRGIN"
She died shortly thereafter, and Jennie went to the maker of tombstones and explained what inscription she wanted.
The gravestone maker told her that there were simply too many words to be put on a headstone. Jennie complained that those words were her sisters dying request and the gravestone maker reassured her that he would see what he could do. In about a month the gravestone maker called Jennie and told her the tombstone was ready, and that he had complied with her dead sisters wishes as best as he could. Jennie looked at the tombstone and across the top was her sister's name just as she had
asked, and underneath that was printed:
RETURNED-UNOPENED
You know you’re having a bad day when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY A NEW CAR .....
10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you"?
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club".
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom' noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight."
Now sit back and relax - "OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,...." Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years ... What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't. "
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says....How soon do you have to know ?"
Why do people touch a 9-volt battery to their tongue to see if it's fresh?
.....That makes about as much sense as tasting your toilet paper to see if it's already been used!!
~~~ADULT CONTENT~~~
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her
bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says,
"Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to
enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what
happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror, mirror on the
door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
Old Indian, standing on the corner. Good-looking woman passes by on the way to work. The Indian raises his hand in greeting, and says, "Chance!"
The same thing happens several days in a row. Woman walks past, the Indian raises his hand, and says, "Chance!"
Finally, one day, she can't ignore it any longer, stops, and asks, "You're an Indian, aren't you?" He nods.
She says, "I always thought Indians said 'How!' as a greeting."
Indian says, "Already know 'how'. Just want 'chance'."
There were three men on a business trip trying to rent a hotel room. They went up to the desk and asked for their rooms. The clerk there said that was only one room left but it had a king size bed. The three men agreed to take it. In the middle of the night, all three woke up. The man on the left said "I had a dream that someone was holding my dick!"
"Same here!" said the man on the right.
"Strange," said the middle guy, "I had a dream that I was skiing!"
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