Work and More ...
USEFUL WORK PHRASES!
---How about never? Is never good for you?
---I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
---Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
---I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
---Ahhh... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again ...
---I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
---The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
---I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
---Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
---I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
---What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
---I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
---Thank you.We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
---It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
---Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
---No, my powers can only be used for good.
---I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
---You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication!
---Are you a fucking ray of sunshine every day?
---I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
---I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
---I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
---Who me? I just wander from room to room.
---My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
---It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
---At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
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What's the similarity between a camera and a condom?
They're both used to catch those special moments!
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis.
With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice."
The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"
The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country." "Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" 'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.
Starfish don't have brains.
Managers are descended from starfish.
An attorney was sitting in his office one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make incredible sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her
car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to
scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it
and will shoot if required.... so get out of MY car!"
The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and
ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags
into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.
Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was
identical and parked four or five spaces further down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The
sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white
males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman......
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WEST SOUND GIFTS
ABCs Emporium for the Best Toys and Games!
How PayPal Works:
PayPal is an easy-to-use application that allows you to securely send money from an existing credit card or bank account to any email user in the U.S. After signing up, you simply enter the recipient's email address and a dollar amount. The money is charged to your credit card, and sent to the recipient. The transaction takes seconds to complete.
There's no problem if the recipient is not yet a PayPal user. He or she simply registers at PayPal after receiving an email notification, and is immediately credited with the amount in the new account. Funds may be withdrawn at any time by direct deposit to a bank account or a personal check from PayPal. Users may also opt to beam the money on to others.
It was a blonde's first plane trip. Boarding the aircraft, she found herself a window seat in a non-smoking area, and settled in. A man came over and insisted that she was in his seat. She told him to go away. "Okay," replied the man. "If that's the way you want it, you fly the plane."
Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries. "I just don't get it," said one. "She's an airhead ... nothing going on upstairs."
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."
According to newly released documents, Kenneth Starr made $1.2 million from his legal practice last year, and his family assets total $4.5 million.
When asked about it, Starr replied, "Hey, can't a guy have a private life?"
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