A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. "No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn't like it."
The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manger out for martinis. "No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."
Then the salesman glances out the officer window and sees a golf course. "I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."
"No, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it." Just then a young man enters the office. "Let me introduce my son, Bill," says the plant manager.
"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"
Saddam was bragging that in HIS country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.
Johnny America listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one."
"Oh," sniffed Saddam, "just one? And which way is that?"
"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . "
"Praise Allah!!!" Saddam exclaims, "Number 80!!!"
Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a flasher comes along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them. Two have a stroke.. but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long enough.
One day these three guys die and go to heaven.
The angel comes to the first one and asks "How many times have you cheated on your wife?", the guy answers "Once." The angel then gives him the keys to a Ferrari and says go drive around heaven.
The angel then asks the second man, "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" the man answers "Three." The angel then gives him the keys to a normal Toyota and says go drive around heaven.
The same question is asked from the third man and the guy says "Eight times." The angel then gives him the keys to a beat up Yugo.
After the day is over they all come back to the same place and the guy in the Ferrari is crying his eyes out. They ask him whats wrong?
He says, "I just saw my wife, She was riding a tricycle."
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers... "Die, you son of a bitch, Die!!"
Signs that you have chosen the wrong fishing guide...
He's got the open engine manual sitting on the console next to the controls.
He thinks it's an asset that he can drive so fast that he gets the boat completely out of the water.
It takes him two hours and twenty-five minutes to reach your fishing destination on a five hour charter.
At the end of the day's catchless fishing, he begs you to allow him to use your name as a reference, because none of his other 110 charters would.
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way.
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the 1st guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"
"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back he felt relief for the first time in years. The 2nd guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving , asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to the 3rd guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
Concorde, the sleek passenger aircraft that flies at twice the speed of sound, marked the 30th anniversary of its British debut Friday.
The only 30+ year old from Britain that comes any faster on its own is, of course, George Michael.
Hobbes: "Do you believe in God?"
Calvin: "Well, SOMEONE is obviously out to get me."
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. The boys say he is two bricks short of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store manager got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "No sir, you see if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
