The CHUCKLES List Archives
Things you'll never hear a Dad say...
Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop
and ask for directions.
You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for
unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours"
attitude....I like that.
Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not
good enough for you, son?
Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want
to consider throwing a party.
Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of
those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or
something.
Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an
earring, now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for
you to spend.
Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that --it's no big deal.
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Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Max replied, "Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."
"Memory school? What memory school?" says Ed. Max thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower...?" "A rose?" asks Ed. "Yeah...that's it!" Max turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the guy called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
A woman went to the doctor asking for bigger breasts. The doctor gave her the choice of either having an implant or wearing a special bra. The doctor explained, "When you flap your arms up and down, the bra inflates." Of course, the woman chose the bra.
The next day she went to a bar to try the new bra out. She saw an attractive man sitting at the bar. Flapping her arms, she strolled over to flirt with the man and he started flapping his legs. "I see we have the same doctor," said the man.
A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class. She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "Oh Miss, oh Miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything." "Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man in the world has everything." "We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day." "Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all we needed."
Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.
El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach, CA, with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.
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A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found John sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Mike was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked John what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of John what Mike was doing. John replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Mike's face is going all red. The doctor asks John, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
John replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common." said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earth did you get married?"
"I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract' ... " was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh.
*...Helpful tips while playing golf or using a restroom...*
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don't stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please! ... while others are preparing to go.
Don't take extra strokes.
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"
Overheard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando: "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
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Your Best Link to Comedy VIDEOS
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Check Out the AUCTIONS and zSHOPS at Amazon.com
Back to THE HUMOR SCOPE
