In the Friendly Skies
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHILE FLYING ...
1. (Ocean crossing flight): This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices...
2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines' new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Boogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!! Eject!!! Eject!!!
5. Ummmmmm...Sorry...(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)... uhhhhh... we have to go back... we.. we... uhhhhhh... forgot something...
7. I'm sure everyone's noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (Ironic Note: This is actually true for prop aircraft!)
8. Fasten your seatbelt. (Same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car.)
9. This is your Captain speaking... these darn planes are A LOT different than the ships I'm used to... so you'll have to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the inflight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and Oh geez...
12. Don't worry that one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready.
14. Drinks are on me... or I'll have what the Captain's having.
15. Hey, why don't you tell the new Stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane.
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PASSENGER'S BILL OF RIGHTS???
If a passenger requests a refund for their ticket, the passenger shall be able to obtain their refund within his/her lifetime
Airlines shall be fined for forcing passengers to sit in a plane on the runway for more than a hour without providing topless dancing girls and an open bar.
Customers shall receive their checked luggage within 24 hours of their arrival. They shall also be informed at what particular flea market they can buy back the contents of their luggage.
Passengers sitting next to a crying baby will receive free alcohol and headphones.
Passengers shall be given information about why a flight has been delayed, canceled or diverted to another airport that sounds somewhat believable without the employee snickering or giggling.
If a passenger's flight is canceled he/she shall be given directions to the nearest bus terminal.
Passengers shall receive accurate information about their airline's frequent flyer program or at least accurate information about some other airline's frequent flyer information.
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with
his equipment and shouted, ''Let's go!"
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"
A water leak had developed in the galley of an
airliner on the long trans-pacific flight to Manila.
Water eventually soaked the carpet throughout the aft cabin of the 747. A very sleepy woman, who had become aware of the dampness, tugged at a flight attendant's skirt as she passed by. "Has it been raining?" she asked, blinking sleepily.
The flight attendant, keeping a straight face, gently replied: "Yes, but we put the top up," and patted the woman's shoulder. With a nod, a smile and a sigh of relief, the woman went back to sleep.
A recent report found that Boeing is having problems with some of their aircraft. Problems have included engines falling off mounts and automatic pilot errors. Here are five other problems:
1) When you push the stewardess button the pilot is ejected
2) Flushing the toilets caused the luggage to drop somewhere over Iowa
3) Investigators found that forty percent of the windows don't have screens
4) When the pilots pushed the landing gear button, it actually rewinds the in-flight movie
5) Both wings on same side
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Southwest Airlines has announced $19.00 airfares.
Here's a few things you can expect on a $19.00 flight:
1) Flight often delayed while pilot looks for misplaced keys under front seat
2) Pesky and expensive safety checks eliminated
3) Festival seating!
4) Co-pilot wearing a "I'm with stupid T-shirt"
5) Airline mechanics wearing propeller hats
Five signs you can tell that you have chosen the wrong airline:
1) Ground crew seen using pennies to check tire wear
2) Trendy desert-pastel paint job upon closer inspection turns out to be primer-yellow and Bondo-pink
3) Man with oily rag hanging from the back pocket of his dirty overalls turns out to be the pilot
4) Voice on P.A. system warns you to keep your hands and arms inside the aircraft while it is in motion
5) Stewardess offers coffee, tea or Valium
Five more ways to tell if you've chosen a cheap airline:
1) Air sickness bags printed with the Lord's Prayer.
2) Suspicious-looking passenger in the next seat over is nevously counting down minutes.
3) Pilot asks if anyone on board has jumper cables with them.
4) A telephone with a really long cord attaches the flight crew with the control tower.
5) Navigator keeps asking: "are we there yet??"
The department of transportation says 0.78 percent of aviation workers tested positive for drugs. I've always wondered why just minutes after take off they're breaking out the snacks.
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