Marriage and Family

Marry only for love unless he/she is really rich and you need the money.

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, sometimes even with the same person.

Trust is important in a marriage. Once you have your spouse's trust you can do what you want.

Remember that a good marriage is like a campfire. Both grow cold if left unattended.

A bad marriage can also be like a campfire especially if she tries to roast your wiener.

Never underestimate the power of forgiveness. Remind your spouse of this when caught cheating.

Get involved at your child's school. It's an excellent way to meet good looking teachers.

Don't marry anyone who won't bait their own hook. Also reconsider marrying anyone who eats the bait off of their own hook.

Respect your child's privacy. Knock before entering their room. It will give them a chance to hide their bong.

Teach your child to knock before entering your room. It will give you a chance to hide your bong.

Never mention past loves to your spouse. Or for that matter, current ones that you are sleeping with. Let him/her find out on their own.

Tell your kids often how terrific they are and that you trust them. And always remember to never let the little bastards out of your sight.

Don't worry that you can't give your kids the best of everything. By now they probably realize that their parents are losers.

When playing games with your children, let them win unless cash is involved.

Read to your children. Sing to your children. Listen to your children, especially if they keep asking you to stop reading and singing to them.

Always have your spouse invite her family over for dinner. Be sure to have a dentist appointment on that day so you have an excuse to go to bed early.

Never forget the 15 most important words of any marriage ... I love you. You are beautiful. Please forgive me for having sex with your sister.

Relatives are like fish. They stink after three days. And can be very expensive to have for dinner.

Buy your husband a subscription to his favorite magazine even if it does involve underage teenagers with live animals. Learn to respect each other's tastes.

Believe in love at first sight and hope it happens when your spouse is out of town.

Always remember that if you judge people by their relatives, then you will never like anyone.