In the World of Sports
NBA FAN ENTICEMENTS
With fans still disgruntled from the NBA lockout, the league and individual teams have come up with enticements to get fans back in the arena. Some teams are giving cheap tickets and free hotdogs others have more original ideas. We take a look at NBA fan enticements.
The New York Knickerbockers had offered season ticket holders free admittance to the preseason home-and-home series against the New Jersey Nets. Season ticket holders will also receive complimentary crack from city vendors.
To rekindle interest north of the border the Toronto Raptors have signed Doug Flutie to add some offence for the shortened season.
After each loss a lucky fan of the Golden State Warriors will get to put a choke hold on P.J. Calesimo.
The Miami Heat will give free burial to any fan murdered while going to or from a game. Also before each game a Miami Heat fan will get to rub extra grease in Pat Riley's hair.
The Washington Wizards end each game with a cage match between Rod Strickland and an opposing team's player.
To keep fans interested the Chicago Bulls will retire and hang from the rafters various Micheal Jordan memorabilia. They will start each game with retiring Jordan items. First retired will be both jerseys, then his shorts, each shoe, sock, and the big draw will be the retiring of Michael Jordan's jock.
The Minnesota Timberwolves hope to get people in the stands by getting Governor Jesse Ventura to play some games.
All New Jersey Nets' games will be announced by new co-owner Bill Cosby.
All players will give 50% off the cost of autographs.
Dennis Rodman will not be allowed to play his last or any game nude.
After every game a lucky fan will get a ride home with the team's star player in his personal limo.
At all road games of the Chicago Bulls fans will get a free photo taken next to a Michael Jordan cutout.
Now that NBA players are tested for marijuana, there will be weekly raffles involving player's bongs, papers and stashes on Pot Luck Nite.
Fans will be warned that if they don't attend games they will have their sex life investigated by Larry Flynt.
Each NBA team will have a Mark McGwire Day.
Every Sunday, first hundred people receive free Beanie Baby.
Topless Cheerleaders!
Daily contests with winner getting to choose Dennis Rodham's hair color.
Players will now pay fans to watch them play.
HOT OFF THE PRESSES ...
Doctors in China claim to have discovered a man with three eyes.
... I understand he’s already been offered a job as an NFL ref.
Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top.
He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to death. He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time."
One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys got a driver."
Sources are now saying Dennis Rodman has come to an agreement with the Los Angeles Lakers and that Rodman could play for L.A. as soon as Friday.
It will be exciting to see Rodman wearing the purple and gold....but enough about his hair.
Rodman says he wants to get another championship ring, apparently he has some extra room on his nose.
It seems sports reporters in Los Angeles are getting prepared for the arrival of Rodman ... checking their cameras, re-checking their microphones, adjusting their protective cups.
Mike Tyson was put in solitary confinement after he threw a TV set against the bars of his jail cell recently.
...Apparently he was watching a "Miracle Ear" commercial.
Other disciplinary measures being enforced:
Can no longer sell autographed license plates he made.
Lost lead role in his cell block's revival of "Peter Pan."
No special time off to celebrate "Don King Day."
Return to the HUMOR SCOPE
Down around the Texas-Louisiana border, there has been a recent rash of illegal cock fighting, with quite a bit of gambling. The director of the Louisiana State Police finally bent to public pressure and sent an investigator to get to the bottom of the problem.
The crack investigator, Boudreaux, took an unmarked cruiser and headed for Mamou. He was gone for two days and arrived back in Baton Rouge to report to the director.
He reported that there were three major groups involved in the illegal cock fighting - Texas Aggies, Cajuns and the Mafia.
Of course, the boss wanted to know how he surmised this, and he replied that he knew there were Texas Aggies involved when he saw someone enter a duck into the fight. He knew that there were Cajuns involved when someone bet on the duck. He then stated that he was absolutely positive that the Mafia was involved when the duck won!
Return to the HUMOR SCOPE
