When old Mr.O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a little private talk.
"Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but me knew he was bald," she confided, "and he could never rest in peace if anyone found out. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."
"Rest assured, Mrs O'Leary," comforted the undertaker. "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."
Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving the corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs, O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra thousand bucks for handling the matter so professionally.
"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "What's a few nails?"
An older couple decided that their memory was so bad that they would have to start writing things down in order to remember them.
One evening, the husband got up from watching TV and said he was going to the kitchen; He asked his wife if she wanted anything.
Wife: "Yes, I would like some ice cream."
As he set off, the wife said, "Write it down."
Husband: "I can remember ice cream."
Wife: "But I also want strawberries on my ice cream.
Write it down"
Husband: "I can remember ice cream with strawberries."
Wife: "But I also want whipped cream on the strawberries."
The husband took off without writing it down. He was gone for a while and when he came back, he was carrying bacon and eggs.
Wife: "Now see what you've done? You forgot the toast!?"
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