For those of you planning to travel by air, here are some amazing
statistics about the U.S. airline industry (motto: "We're Hoping To
Have A Motto Announcement In About An Hour"). This year, U.S. airlines
will carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for
382 million hours, during which they will be fed an estimated total of
four peanuts.
Yes, the airlines are cutting back on food service, as was dramatically
demonstrated on a recent New-York-to-London flight wherein nine
first-class passengers were eaten by raiders from coach. But despite
the cutbacks, the U.S. airline industry is still one of the safest on
Earth; the only nation with a better safety record is the Republic of
Kyrgyzstan, which has only one airplane and can't figure out how to
start it.
The U.S. airline industry, in contrast, boasts a vast fleet of modern
planes maintained by a corps of highly professional mechanics, by which
I mean "mechanics who are all wearing the same color of uniform." This
is not the case in some countries. One time I was leaving a Caribbean
island aboard a two-propeller airplane owned by an airline with a name
like "Air Limbo." As we sat on the runway, getting ready for takeoff, I
could not help but notice that an important-looking fluid was gushing
out of the engine on my side. This made me nervous, so I was relieved
when a man wearing shorts and flip-flops came over to take a look. He
studied the fluid, which was really pouring out, then he turned toward
the pilot and made the "OK" sign. I was thinking, "OK? WHAT DO YOU
MEAN, OK??" And while I was thinking that, we took off. We did make it
to our destination, but I'm pretty sure we were followed the whole way
by a pack of hungry sharks thinking, "That thing can't stay up there
much longer!"
You generally don't have to worry about sharks with domestic air travel,
but there are things you need to know, which is why today I'm presenting
these:
ANSWERS TO COMMON AIR-TRAVEL QUESTIONS
Q. Airline fares are very confusing. How, exactly, does the airline
determine the price of my ticket?
A. Many cost factors are involved in flying an airplane from Point A to
Point B, including distance, passenger load, whether each pilot will get
his own pilot hat or they're going to share, and whether Point B has a
runway.
Q. So the airlines use these cost factors to calculate a rational price
for my ticket?
A. No. That is determined by Rudy the Fare Chicken, who decides the
price of each ticket individually by pecking on a computer keyboard
sprinkled with corn. If an airline agent tells you that they're having
"computer problems," this means that Rudy is sick, and technicians are
trying to activate the backup system, Conrad the Fare Hamster.
Q. When should I arrive at the airport?
A. You should arrive two hours before your scheduled departure time, so
that you will be among the first to know that your flight has been
delayed due to mechanical problems.
Q. What do they mean by "mechanical problems"?
A. They mean that the pilot cannot find his magic feather.
Q. What precautions will be taken to insure that there is no terrorist
bomb aboard my aircraft?
A. The airline agent will ask you a series of security questions
shrewdly designed to outwit terrorism, such as: "Did any terrorist
unknown to you give you a bomb to carry on board this plane?" Also, if
you have a laptop computer, they may ask you to turn it on, thus proving
that it is not a terrorist bomb.
Q. But couldn't a terrorist easily put a bomb in a computer in such a
way that the computer could still be turned on?
A. Shut up.
Q. What happens to my carry-on baggage when it goes through the X-ray
machine?
A. There is a man named Karl crouching inside there who paws rapidly
through your belongings.
Q. Looking for terrorist bombs?
A. No. Soiled underwear.
Q. How much carry-on baggage am I allowed to take?
A. In the past, passengers had to be able to physically lift the luggage
to carry it on to the plane. But that restriction has been eliminated,
thanks to the discovery, by the luggage industry, of wheels. Today,
passengers routinely board airplanes towing suitcases the size of
sleeper sofas. On a recent TWA flight from St. Louis to Atlanta, a
passenger boarded with a Volkswagen Jetta, which he was able to get into
the overhead storage bin after just seven hours of shoving.
Q. What is that thumping noise you sometimes hear after takeoff?
A. That is Vomax, Hell Demon of the Cargo Hold. It is nothing to worry about.
Q. Why do they make you bring your seat back to the full upright and
locked position?
A. Because they do not like you.
