PASSENGER -- A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually
found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent
in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused
these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has
no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers
are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus,
& Paxus ignoramus.
PRE-BOARD -- Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before
departure.
VOLUNTARY OVERSALE -- A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway
is coming off the flight.
NO-RECORD -- Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
NON-REVENUE POSITION -- Usually can be identified by the fact that these
passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.
GROUP -- A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) traveling
together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the
bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure,
or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last.
Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as
this may convenience them.
SIGN -- An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small
children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas
of the airport (i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.).
POSITION CLOSED -- This is a sign posted at various counter locations,
which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here."
BAGGAGE CLAIM -- The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is
usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area."
CARRY ON BAG -- An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow
managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight.
Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable
as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck
tires, or wide screen projection TVs.
FLIGHT SCHEDULE -- An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
ON-TIME -- An obscure term, meaning unknown.
FOG -- A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an
airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the
airlines and is used to delay flights.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL -- A game played by airline pilots and air traffic
controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is
played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for
passengers to make connecting flights.
TICKET AGENT -- A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheep dog the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and the tact of a diplomat. They
have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other
weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later life they start carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.
