Carnal Knockwurst
Two guys were sitting in a bar discussing psychology. One guy says, "I made an awful Freudian slip the other day. I was in the train station line, to buy a ticket. In front of me was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen: perfect body, gorgeous face, I couldn't take my eyes off her. She bought her ticket, and my eyes followed her out of the station. When I got up to the ticket counter, my mind was a million miles away, and I said to the clerk: 'Two pickets to Tittsburgh, and make my change in nipples and dimes."
"Wow, that must have been pretty embarrassing," said the other guy. "But I also made a similar Freudian slip the other day. I don't know WHAT I was thinking. I was having breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say "Honey, please pass the sugar", but instead, I said, "Thanks for ruining my life, you stinking BITCH!"
A guy is sitting in a bar one evening looking depressed. The bartender notices him and asks what's wrong. The man replies that he believes that his wife is cheating on him but isn't sure how to confront her about it.
The bartender replies, "Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, pull down your pants, point to your penis and ask her what it is. If she say's its a dick, then that means she's lost her innocence and shyness which would indicate that she has been sleeping around. If she say's it's a pecker then that indicates that she is still shy and innocent."
The man decides to give it a try and goes home to confront his wife. He drops his pants, points to his member and asks her what it is. "Oh, that's a pecker," responds his wife.
The man lets out a big sigh of relief and exclaims, "Whew, I was afraid you were going to call it a dick." His wife responds, "Oh no, that's a pecker all right. A dick is twice that size!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders six shots. "What's wrong with you?" the bartender asks. "My brother just told me he's gay," the guy answers. The next day the guy returns and orders six more shots. "What's wrong now?" the bartender asks. "My dad just told me he's gay, too," the guy answers. So the next day the guy is back again and orders six more shots. "Isn't there anybody in your family who doesn't like guys?" asks the bartender. "Yeah," says the guy. "My wife."
A guy walks into a bar one night and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir. That'll be one cent," says the bartender. "ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy. The barman nods his head.
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents," the bartender replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
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