Chap 1> I think I consider myself to be good-looking. But believe me, that doesn’t matter, I know this is a strange way to start the story of my bazzare coming out, but hey, give me a break. It s a long story. I was in a band called Hanson when I was younger, a real successfull band. I’m still messed up. I have unnecessary fits of extreme paranoia sometimes (I’m not on drugs) and…it’s all fading now. Even though it was no more then a week ago. I don’t know why I'm telling you this. I think I’m gay. . You know horrible this would be for my reputation? I mean, I was once a sex symbol. An idol. I’m almost a fucking icon. If people found out about my secret life….well, if be on the covers of enquirer and star before you could say “Isaac Hanson in a fag”. It’s really kind of depressing. I've been hiding this for so long. There was this guy I liked for a long time….I was obsessed with him. I was drawn to him. I thought of so many things I could tell him to let him know how I felt about him, so I never did. I was scared. Scared of his reaction. Again, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. I guess I just need someone to know. I can’t stand being the only person who knows anymore. The real story. I know secrets about other stars……things you would love to know, I’m sure. I live in the city of angels and secrets. Hollywood. But undernieth it all lies pain. But I won’t brag. I’m trying to remember when I found out I was different, when I found out that I really didn’t like girls, that I really had no attraction to them whatsoever, it’s all fading now, like I said. I’m trying to remember when I finally realized I couldn’t lie anymore, I couldn’t keep this secret about myself hid away in the back of my mind any longer. I had these feelings…these yearnings. I was scared. I didn’t know why. I wasn’t a homophobic, hell I had a hundred gay friends, I didn’t even think about it. But I couldn’t imagine me ever being one…of them. I just couldn’t. Until one morning I just …it was like I was slapped. Like, I was revived. I realised that I had been hiding this for long. That I actually didn’t like chicks at all, that I liked guys. A lot. And it scared me. I think t he day I realized I was gay was around my 17th birthday. I had woken up, and realized I was lying next to this chick with brown hair. I had this distant pounding in my ears, and I was confused where I was. I looked around the room and realized I was actually in my own bedroom, but everything was distorted and colors were not as they should have been. I looked again that this girl next to me and I was even more confused. I could really remember why she was here at all, or how she got here, either. I stumbled out of bed, nearly tripping and killing myself on one of her shoes, and went into the bathroom. I shut the door and locked it and stared into myself in the mirror. God, who in the hell was this chick? I must have been staring into my own eyes two long, because before I knew it, the girl was knocking on the door, whining that she had to use the bathroom, I opened it and let her in. while she was using the toilet, I let myself in the shower and prepared to attempt to lose myself in the hot steam. I closed my eyes and just stood on the hot water. So hot. I needed it hot. I needed to think. I realized that what I was doing, how I was living was NOT the way it was supposed to be for me. I was living somebody else’s life. I felt a presence next to me then, I dragged myself out of my self-doubt and looked over my shoulder. The girl had come into the shower with me. “Hi. Did you sleep well? “ She purred, like a kitten. Soft like. She stood there completely naked, little droplets of water clinging to her skin, and I felt nothing. I was thinking of something else, far off thoughts of forbidden things. “Yeah. How about you….?” I asked. I struggled in my head to think of her name. Meridith? No. Mandy? Hmmm. “I slept good. “ She replied. She reached over my shoulder to grab the shampoo, and I watched her hand move as if in a daze. What was wrong with me? What was I thinking? I wasn’t even slightly attracted to this girl. The water had started to sting on my skin, so I moved out of it to let her in the rinse her hair. ‘Jeez Ike, this is hot! “ She mumbled as I stepped out of the shower onto the cold linoleum floor. I had to get out of here.