Site hosted by Build your free website today!


By Marie Birch

So, all you Red Dwarf fans who know the start of the Strip Poker Scene on The Smeg Outs video, this is what I Marie Birch, thinks what happened next:-

After playing a supposedly innocent game of Strip Poker in the Sleeping quarters, Holly the onboard AI, tenth generation hologrammatic computer, after much thinking, tells the crew that they must abandon ship. The Cat has only lost his jacket and a silk hand stitched handkerchief, Kryten is losing, because he has lost his black armour, and his head! As for Lister, he has lost nearly everything apart from his boxers, and he has just lost a gold tooth! As for Rimmer, he is nowhere in sight, as usual! However, the story isn't over yet!

Holly is going on about them all being in mortal danger, etcetera, and the spring, which is connected to Krytens' head is having a unmortal fit!

"Come on! You heard what Holly just said! Let's posse!" says Lister, who rises up from where he is sitting, obviously keen to head off in the direction of the Cargo decks as soon as possible. Unfortunately, however on the Jupiter Mining Ship Red Dwarf, things are never that simple!

"Hey, hey, hey! Where do you think you are going, Buddy?" asked the Cat. "I'm abandoning ship! Come on man, give us a hand with Krytens' head, will you!" Lister pleaded. Cat laughed at Listers' request mockingly, and Listers' face suddenly took on a look of extreme panic and consternation. "Why, it's still your go Bud!" Cat insisted. Dave Lister ever the little cherub replied. "Well I'm afraid we've been saved by the sirens! We'll follow it up some other time, say next Spring, maybe?

The Cats' face suddenly lights up with an evil smile, just like the Cheshire Pussy Cat in Alice in Wonderland. "What do you think I am, Bud stupid? Well I guess I can't stop you at the end of the day. You know me only too well. I don't like getting into fights. I really messes up my suits and hair! Why, you humans are all the same!

You could almost cut the air with a knife, with the way that Listers' face glares at the Cat. He is beginning to rise up to the challenge.
"Well, when the going gets tough, the tough usually hide in the stasis booths!". To that, Lister smiled at him like a little cherub, and said.
"Oh yeah? Well, maybe I can spare you a couple of minutes. I'm feeling rather generous today!"
"I don't even know how to spell that word, let alone know what it means, Bud!" said Cat.
"It would take me at least five million years, to get it through to ya! Alright, my call!".

So the game commences, and without any further ado, Lister loses. The Cat is still smiling, just like that Cheshire Pussy Cat in Alice In Wonderland.
";Get them off Bud! You've lost!"

Without any regard to the consequences, Lister throws his boxer shorts onto the table. Dave Lister is usually a man who keeps his word, no matter what. Unfortunately, it usually tends to go against him, and this particularly tense time, also goes against him! Somehow, one way or another Lister doesn't land his boxer shorts onto the table, they land onto the floor, near his bunk! Lister looks very perturbed by this happening, which isn't surprising really, then Holly, appears on the monitor once more.

Holly announces "Why aren't you lot abandoning shop? this aint a bluebell, you know! I'm not programmed to say abandon swipe, just for the sake of it!" . She looks very worried, all of a sudden. "Oh Gawd, now the sirens are gone all over the place again! Awooga, awooga, awooga, abandon ship!".

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, one of the Skutters suddenly enters their quarters, and it appears to be behaving rather erratically, and then it notices Listers' boxer shorts on the floor, beside him! Before Lister can even utter the word STOP, the Skutter picks it up, with it's claw, and then it scurries out into the corridor! Lister is sitting at the table like a statue. he is almost speechless. However, there is no time to lose, and therefore, he speaks up.
"What-what the smeg, does he want with my boxers?".
Cat wrinkles his nose in disgust and says "I shudder to think Buddy!". The Cat says sweetly.
"He must think that it's a rag for cleaning the diesel engines, and judging by the all those tacky stains on it Mr Lister sir, I can't really say that I'm surprised! In fact, if I may recall, about three years ago, I recommended that you sort out some of your used clothes out for cleaning rags for the Skutters. In fact, I do believe that our little helpers are quite intuitive I have informed you quite a few times, that if you cannot find the energy, when you are *relaxing, after you have had your daily curries, I would be more than happy to go to the shopping mall, and pick out some nice new, properly stitched clothes, for you, from the McDonalds Fast Clothes Shop".
Lister looks as if he is quite insulted by that improper suggestion that Kryten just made and expresses his feelings on it
"Kryten, you know exactly how I feel about nice new clothes! They don't last as long, and anyway, it's only losers who buy new clothes, like Bank Managers and Politicians!" .
Kryten nods to this comment of Listers and looks upon his disagreement to his suggestion, as if he was God himself
"Yes, you're absolutely right sir, but no matter how many times I tell my Random memory to inform my central processing unit, it just doesn't understand it, and sometimes it overloads, and it rejects it. I think that it is far too mind bending for it sir, it thinks that your slobbiness is a new scientific computation, and I am not a Laboratory Droid, as you well know, sir".

Lister looked very guilty all of a sudden and patted his best friend on the head.
"I know man, I know, I just can't help it. I don't mean to exasperate you Kryten, it's just the way I am! I promise that one day, that I will make an effort to read the Pop Up book of The Complete Works Of William Shakespeare, that you hunted out for me, the other day, only I'm just waiting for the yoghurt stains to dry out on it".
"Yes sir, I do understand, the way that it is with you! That's just the trouble!" said Kryten.
"I can't go like this to the Cargo bay. Now if you'll just pass me my trousers Cat" Lister said, naively thinking that was asking the Cat, a perfectly reasonable task.
"Hey Bud, you know that I don't do the W-O-R-K word!"
Lister thought that it was better not to argue, and Kryten suggested ever so sweetly.
"If I may be so bold as to suggest sir, as I am hanging around here on my head, so to speak, you may use me for cover, until you have covered up your little embarrassment!". Lister looked at the Droid in disbelief and smiled.
"Are you trying to get into witty mode, Kryten?!"
"No sir, I'm in perfectly working accuracy mode!".
Lister couldn't help himself and laughed, and said
"I think I prefer you in witty mode! Alright Kryters, I'll use your head to cover my er, no I won't go into graphic detail, until you can find my trousers!".

So Lister picked Krytens' head up from the table, and with that, they all got up from where they were sitting. To Listers' complete and utter dismay, however, it turns out that none of his clothes are in sight! Lister has nothing on now, apart from Krytens' head to cover up his little embarrassment!

"Where are the rest of my Clothes?! KRYTEN, I don't understand?!" Lister exclaimed.
"Oh my, I think the Skutters have had a field day with getting their little collection of cleaning equipment together, sir!".

At this point, Rimmer enters the room, and looked upon the situation with his usual amount of disgust and dismay.
"What on earth is going on here? Have you lot all suddenly lost your hearing? Not to mention your marbles?! Surely Holly ordered you to abandon ship, your lives only being in mortal danger and all that!(He suddenly notices Krytens' head over Listers' little embarrassment! He glares at them with utter contempt) I might have known! You and that mechanoid! I never thought that it would come to this again! I haven't forgotten that little incident with the groinal attachment, Miladdo!" .
To this, Lister sighed with his usual despair at the man.
"You always assume the worst, don't you Captain Bligh? We were merely having a game of strip poker, and that was all there was to it! I swear that on my life!".
Cat looked as if it was all too much for him and said.
"I'm not taking the rap for this Bud!" . Kryten said to Rimmer in his deadpan voice
"I'm merely covering Mr Lister up, sir. I am merely doing my duty, until we get to Starbug sir. I know my responsibility to Mr Lister sir, without a doubt!".
Rimmer was still expressionless to that reply, but he did manage to say to this. "Oh, is that what they call it now, then?!" . Lister whined away like a little cherub, and said "The Skutters stole my clothes man! I needed Krytens' help!" . Rimmer laughed at him, in that braying way of his, and said
"So you're corrupting the Skutters now! I'm afraid that this is going on report, Laddie!"
"I thought that might come up" Lister answered him, with his usual defiance. Rimmer ignored that, and went on to say
"However, that may be the case, but for now, we have far more important things to concern us for the time being! Come on, we are going to march along to that Cargo Bay at double time, while we still can! Come on you slowcoaches! At the double, now!".

While they are making their way down the corridors of Red Dwarf to the Cargo Bay, they don't obey Rimmers - At the double command natuarally So with complete and defiance to Rimmers' orders, they walk as slowly as they possibly can, and in Listers' case he has to anyway, because of Krytens' head, covering his little embarrassment!

Whenever he can, while Rimmer is out of earshot, Kryten exclaims -
" What a Smeghead!"

And whenever he can, while Rimmer is in earshot, Kryten exclaims -
"What a Smee Hee!"

The End

At least that scene in SMEG OUTS was worth seeing....(good idea to expand it)