By Richard Burton
Corrections by Kev Blake
Opening Scene: bridge of the Enterprise. Riker is in the Captain's seat finishing off a side of beef. Councillor Troi is in her place, trying to sense something obvious to tell everyone. Data and Wesley are at their consoles MUDding as Worf walks onto the bridge to take his place.
PICARD: (VO) Captain's log, stardate 27182.818. Our sensor readings from one hour ago, which indicated a big orange whirly thing in space, appear to have been false. As a result, I am having Geordi check all of the sensors on the ship, after we first tried to have Troi reason with them and then tried having Worf fight them. Lt. Worf fought honourably but lost. Hopefully we can put this behind us soon so we can proceed on to Omigod Ceti V to drop off a badly needed shipment of baby corn ears for their Chinese restaurants.
WESLEY: Data, why does everybody always kill my wizard, even though they know that it will give them a killer flag?
DATA: Well Wesley, as nearly as I can tell, it is because you are an insufferable snot, even for a MUD. Quick, recall back to the temple, the captain is coming. The turbolift doors open and Picard walks in. Riker stands, causing a few bovine rib bones to fall out of his lap.
PICARD: Anything to report, #1?
RIKER: Only that we are running low on steak sauce, sir. (BURP)
PICARD: (crinkling nose) Very well. Go and brush your teeth, Will, and for God's sake, don't walk around like you are trying to find someone to headbutt.
RIKER: Yes sir. (Exits)
PICARD: Worf, loan me your phaser.
Worf does so, and Picard dustbusts the captain's chair, picking up scraps of beef and bits of corn. Picard hands the dustbuster back to Worf and sits.
PICARD: Data, what is the status of our sensors?
DATA: They seem to be coming back online without any problems, sir.
GEORDI: (VO) La Forge to bridge.
PICARD: Bridge here, what is it, Geordi?
GEORDI: (VO) I think I've found the problem with the sensors, sir. It seems that somebody left half a peanut butter stromboli in the sensor banks outside Commander Riker's quarters.
PICARD: Very well, bridge out. Mr. Data, what do the sensors detect?
DATA: A wide variety of electromagnetic and subatomic particle radiation, sir.
PICARD: No, not that, you twit, I mean is there anything out there?
DATA: Oh. Presently, there is a cloaked Romulan vessel about to attack a Ferengi freighter carrying an illegal shipment of chicken vin-de-loo near the Beta Caroteen system. There also is a fleet of Klingon vessels battling honourably with an small asteroid 60 parsecs toward the galactic centre. And three Federation freighters are approaching the GammaRon system with their cargo. Nothing else is here, sir.
PICARD: Very well.
WESLEY: Sir, the Romulans have just blown the crap out of the Ferengi vessel. There is chicken vin-de-loo radiating everywhere at sub-light speed. Captain, is that not an act of war?
PICARD: Yes, it is Wesley, but shut up. You aren't even supposed to be on this show any more. Get off the ship.
WESLEY: Yes, sir.
Wesley leaves the bridge, and the ratings start to soar. A Nameless Cute Blonde Ensign in another cheap and obvious try to jack the ratings replaces him. The bridge crew begins to relax.
DATA: Sir, sensors have just detected a small warp bubble ten parsecs away, lying between the Romulan vessel and us.
NAMELESS CUTE BLONDE ENSIGN: Confirmed, sir. Sensors indicate that the bubble is stationary, and will not endanger the ship.
PICARD: Thank you, Nameless Cute Blonde Ensign.
TROI: Captain, I sense a disturbance in the Force.
REST OF BRIDGE: WHAT!?!?!?
TROI: Oh, sorry, sir, I seem to have switched scripts with my brother, Luke. I meant to say that I sense that something that is surreal and rather stupid is going to happen.
WORF: Of course it is, sir. Even if you haven't read the script, this is supposed to be a parody, and of ST:TNG, no less.
PICARD: Very well, bring us to yellow alert.
DATA: Sir, sensors have once again detected a big orange whirly thing in space.
PICARD: Oh, blast, has Will left more food in the sensor banks?
DATA: Scanning... no sir that does not seem to be the cause. We now have the whirly thing in visual.
PICARD: On screen.
The screen shows, surprisingly enough, a big orange whirly thing in space.
TROI: Captain, I sense life forms and emotions coming from the whirly thing.
PICARD: You mean it's alive?!
WORF: Sir, it would be an honour to fight it for you.
PICARD: Not yet, Worf, let's get an idea of what we're dealing with.
DATA: Sir, there seems to be something emerging from the big orange whirly thing.
WORF: Oh, Christ, not another old Enterprise!
The screen then shows a large, rather squat red ship, the size of a city, emerging from the whirly thing.
PICARD: What kind of a ship is that?
WORF: Sir, we are being hailed.
Opening credits for Star Trek: The Next Generation. The moon kicks into warp speed around Earth, Saturn is lit from the wrong side, a comet has a tail where there is no stellar or interstellar wind to generate one, etc.
PICARD: (VO) Space. The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It's ongoing mission:;to discover new worlds; to seek out new peoples and civilisations; to have wild sex at Star Trek conventions; to create a new line of action figures; to live like we really believe this new age religion crap; to get Bev between the sheets; to REALLY go where no man has gone before.
The Star Trek: the Pespi Generation theme plays over the credits while the Enterprise gets the warp out of here. We open the commercial with a man lying on a couch in a psychiatrist's office.
MAN: I'm not schizophrenic. But I am. But I just can't afford therapy. What should I do?
P-SHRINK: I'm not a doctor, but I play one on tv. I recommend Extra-Strength Excedrin, for when you can't afford therapy. Let's take a look at some data.
Quick cut to scene of DATA working at a console.
P-SHRINK: Telling figures, indeed. That's why I recommend Extra-Strength Excedrin, for when you can't afford therapy. (Turning to man) Now then, how are we doing today?
MAN: I think he's sleeping with my wife!
We rejoin the Enterprise on the bridge, with the large, squat red ship on the viewer in front of the big orange whirly thing.
WORF: Sir, we are being hailed, dammit! Why did you go to the credits?
PICARD: It's in the contract with the sponsors.
WORF: Sir, we are getting a message from the ship, audial only.
PICARD: On the speaker.
UNKNOWN BRITISH VOICE: This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf. The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster, and his pregnant cat, which was safely sealed in the hold. Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions are a life-form who evolved from his cat, a simpering android, and a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew. I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000, or the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.
PICARD: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise. What is going on, what do you want, and why did you just come out of that big orange whirly thing?
HOLLY: (VO) 'ang on a mo, let me connect you with Dave.
PICARD: Troi, what do you sense?
WORF: (sotto voice) Not too much, she's pretty clueless.
TROI: Extreme hate, despair, ego, and low self-esteem. But they are coming from four different creatures.
NAMELESS CUTE BLONDE ENSIGN: You mean there are only four people on a ship that big?
TROI: Yes, and quit padding your part, Nameless Cute Blonde Ensign.
DATA: Sir, sensors indicate only three life-forms on the ship: one human, one feline, and one genetically mutated sock.
TROI: But I sense four!
WORF: Sir, we are being hailed again. Within visual, this time.
PICARD: On screen.
The screen shows four people: a Afro-Brit with long pigtails (LISTER), a cute black guy with big teeth who is dressed like a game show host (CAT), a guy with a big letter H on his forehead who people immediately dislike (RIMMER), and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom (KRYTEN). In the background is a computer screen with a rather homely, balding man on it (HOLLY).
PICARD: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship Enterprise. Please identify yourself.
LISTER: Hey, man, Holly already did that.
RIMMER: (after a limpwristed, wonky salute) This is Captain Arnold Judas Rimmer, Space Adventurer, leader of Red Dwarf.
LISTER: You wot?
CAT: What are you going on about, Goal Post Head?
RIMMER: I am the highest ranking person aboard this ship!
LISTER: Rimmer, don't be such a smeghead. Yo, mateys, can you help us out? We just went through a time hole to get back to Ea'th.
PICARD: Through a what?
CAT: That big orange whirly thing in space.
KRYTEN: A time hole is a discontinuity in the space-time continuum, sir. In a sense, it is a bit like a tunnel, connecting different regions in space and time. We found one and our computer thought it would take us back to Earth on 2050.
PICARD: But we are near the Omigod Ceti system in the 25th century.
RIMMER: Oh my God, Holly did it again.
HOLLY: Yes, I've got to admit it, I've flamingoed up.
PICARD: What does that mean?
HOLLY: It's like a cock up, only much, much bigger.
PICARD: Well, just go back through that ... time hole, and I'm sure you will find another one later that will take you to the right time and place.
HOLLY: We can't.
LISTER: Why not?
HOLLY: That was a one-way tunnel.
KRYTEN: But why didn't you tell us?
HOLLY: Well you didn't ask!
DATA: Well, sir, preliminary analysis shows that we are on VHS from Paramount, and they are on PAL from the BBC. The two formats are incompatible, and the distribution rights in this sector of the galaxy are not clear, sir. Unless we clear this up soon, we may have to call in the Federation's legal staff.
PICARD: Dear God, not the Space Shysters!
DATA: I am afraid so, sir.
PICARD: Maybe we should ask them over to help work this out.
WORF: Sir, I advise against it. This could be a Romulan or Ferengi plot. They have no honour.
PICARD: Noted. Councillor?
TROI: Captain, the negative emotions I sense from them are directed at each other, not us, understandable if they have been alone in space for so long. We should be careful, of course, but we ought to be safe.
PICARD: Very well. Red Dwarf, would you like to be our guests on the Enterprise while we sort this our?
RIMMER: Are there any women on board besides your own personal concubine?
PICARD: How do you know about Bev?
WORF: I believe he is referring to Councilor Troi, sir.
Troi and Picard both blush and share a meaningful glance.
PICARD: Ah. Yes, Red Dwarf. Approximately 45% of our crew is female, though none are in the command structure since I am such an arrogant chauvinist.
LISTER: Rock and roll!
CAT: Yeow! Lucky thing I took a quick two hour shower before we went through the whirly thing!
KRYTEN: It will be good to broaden our knowledge, speak to other people, and talk to another android.
CAT: Yeah, I'm so excited, all six of my nipples are tingling!
RIMMER: Just hold on a smegging minute! Picard, do you have hologramatic facilities?
PICARD: Yes, we have several holodecks.
LISTER: Oh, right. No, you see, Rimmer here is not alive. He is a hologram of his former self.
Lister passes his hand through Rimmer, who shudders.
RIMMER: Lister! Don't you DARE ever do that again! At least not without buying me dinner first.
DATA: Sir, I believe that we can sustain him through the holodecks.
PICARD: Make it so. Red Dwarf, prepare to beam over.
The Red Dwarf crew look at each other in puzzlement.
LISTER: What the smeg is that?
PICARD: We simply take your bodies, scatter your particles, and then we reassemble them on our ship.
DATA: It would cause him to fly apart and never reassemble.
CAT: Let's do it.
LISTER: No, hang on. Enterprise, do you have a shuttle bay?
PICARD: Of course, our budget is much bigger than yours.
LISTER: Right, we'll fly over in an hour in Starbug. Red Dwarf out.
Screen goes blank.
PICARD: Worf, prepare for the docking party.
WORF: Yes, sir.
---------------- Commercial opens with a husband and wife sitting on a couch. At the husband's feet is the daughter, the son is at the wife's feet. In the background is Pachelbel's Canon in D Minor, just loud enough to be heard. Feelings of sadness and quiet despair pervade ... whatever the hell that means.
WIFE: Honey, do you think it will end?
HUSBAND: I don't know, babe, I just don't know.
SON: Mommy, why is this happening?
WIFE: It's ... hard to explain, son.
DAUGHTER: Daddy? Please make it stop. Please?
HUSBAND: I'm trying, honey, I'm really trying.
At this point the announcer steps in front of the family.
ANNOUNCER: This year, in this country alone, over 20,000 commercials for drug and alcohol rehab centres, stress management facilities, abused and battered relatives programs, and self help centres ... will use Pachelbel's Canon in D minor. Please, help stop this terrible, debilitating, cruel feature of our society ... before it's too late.
Scene opens outside shuttle bay three. Worf and two nameless security officers are there. O'Brien is drinking Guinness and bitching that they aren't using the transporters.
PICARD: (VO) Captain's log, supplemental. The survivors of Red Dwarf are now landing in shuttle bay 3. Hopefully we can figure out how to return them to their own time and space before the copyright lawyers find out about this.
O'BRIEN: Look, Worf, how am I supposed to have any lines if these jerks don't use the transporters?
WORF: You just got a line. Now shut up before I lose my temper and try something anatomically impossible after I cut off your castanets with a gardening implement.
O'BRIEN: Hey, I did get a line, didn't I? Great, now all those jerks playing the drinking game will have to take a swig!
WORF: (brandishing scythe) O'Brien....
O'BRIEN: Ulp! Sorry.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Starbug now approaching ... Starbug has landed, now refilling shuttle bay 3 with air ... Refilling complete, it is now safe to enter.
WORF: Remember, two nameless security officers, set your phasers on 'stun' unless you want to see the funny looks on their faces when they disintegrate.
Worf and the two nameless security officers enter the shuttle bay, to see Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, and a mobile television with Holly's image coming down the ramp. Rimmer is dressed like an admiral in the Royal Navy, viz Red Dwarf II/1: Kryten.
LISTER: Christ, Rimmer, why do you always insist on lookin' like smeggin' Nelson when we board another ship?
CAT: Just be glad he doesn't ask you to kiss his Hardy.
WORF: Greetings, I am Lt. Cmdr. Worf, Chief of Security.
CAT: Nice 'do, man! Where'd you get that cool sash?
RIMMER: (after his wonky limp-wristed salute) Captain A. J. Rimmer, Space Adventurer. Nice ship; reminds me of my father's first command.
Cat, Lister, Kryten, and Holly roll their eyes in an O God here we smeggin' go again! look.
WORF: (visibly unimpressed) If you will follow me, you are to meet with Councilor Troi before you see the Captain and attend to other business.
Cat removes an aerosol can from his jacket pocket.
RIMMER: Lead on, me laddo!
LISTER: I know how you feel, man, we have to put up with this smeg all the time.
WORF: Follow me.
They exit, with Cat bringing up the rear in his shuffling/strutting/dancing gait as he sprays various objects with the aerosol can.
CAT: This is mine, this is mine, this is mine, ... (fades)
Scene fades in to Councilor Troi's quarters. Holly and Kryten are busy interfacing in a corner with the ship's computer. Cat is at the replicator eating. Rimmer and Lister are talking to Troi, who is drinking tea. Lister is eating a curry and drinking some unknown concoction.
TROI: Are you sure you don't want something to drink, Captain Rimmer?
RIMMER: No thank you, I'm not thirsty.
LISTER: Because you're dead.
CAT: (to replicator) Fish!
LISTER: (polishing off drink) Pah! You know, that's a pretty good beer milkshake.
TROI: Now then, this meeting is not required of you, but we have found in our experience that a session such as this is helpful in situations where beings come from a different time or a prallel universe.
RIMMER: In what way?
CAT: (to replicator) Fish!
TROI: It gives me more lines and I don't bitch as much about being used as a hook to get adolescent boys and grad school losers to watch the show.
KRYTEN: (interrupting before Rimmer can put his foot in his mouth) Pardon the interruption, ma'am and sirs, but do you mean you have encountered other pandimensional beings before?
TROI: Of course, haven't you?
HOLLY: No, we've got better writers. Grant and Naylor do a pretty good job with only four or five characters for a good show. They generally don't need a galaxy as densely populated as the greater Los Angeles area just to get some plot catalysts.
CAT: (to replicator) Fish!
KRYTEN: Sirs and ma'am, if it is okay, I think we should see the captain about leaving here. Holly and I think we have found a way to get back to our own time, but we need some people to help us check our calculations.
LISTER: By 'our time' do you mean Ea'th in 2050 or 3 million years from that?
HOLLY: Well, we can't be entirely certain, but I'm pretty sure that it's 2050.
LISTER: Rock 'n' roll!
CAT: (to replicator) Fish!
TROI: Very well, but I will need to talk to you all. Why don't you go on without Captain Rimmer here? I'll show him to where you are later.
Lister, Holly, Kryten, and Cat (carrying about 10 fish) exit, where Worf is waiting to show them to the Picard's ready room. Troi turns to Rimmer and looks coyly at him.
TROI: You know, Captain Rimmer, I've only met one sentient being like you before. A Doctor Moriarty.
RIMMER: Oh? Where is he from?
TROI: Oh, he is a hologram like yourself. He now lives in the ship's computer.
TROI: Yes, he often visits me on the holodeck. It gives him the ability to taste and touch and so on.
RIMMER: Well, this is most interesting. Can I buy you a drink?
TROI: (smiling) Sure.
RIMMER: Would you like a wormdew?
Before that bad punchline can be told, we cut to the ready room, where Picard is sitting in front of Data, Geordi, Lister, Kryten, Cat, and Holly. Lister is eating a curry, bits of which drop onto the carpet, much to Picard's annoyance.
KRYTEN: ...so by firing three photon torpedoes of the right frequency AND at the correct intervals, we may be able to reverse the polarity of this time hole and change its destination in space-time, thus allowing the Red Dwarf to go back to Earth at 2050.
PICARD: How long will this take?
DATA: Unknown at this time, sir, but probably between 6 hours and two days. It would take less time if we got Wesley back on the show, ...
PICARD: I am well aware of the consequences.
LISTER: Who is this Wesley git?
GEORDI: Picture Rimmer at age 16 with script writers who think that they can bring in ratings by having him be a boy genius who always saves the ship.
CAT: I'd rather not. I just ate.
HOLLY: Caw, Bennett, that would be worse than a Benny Hill re-run.
PICARD: Very well, get on with it. Is there anything else?
GEORDI: No sir, as long as you let Holly and Kryten work with us in the engine room.
PICARD: Well, that is against regulations, but I'll make an exception in this case. Mr. Lister, you and Mr. Cat are free to use the holodeck.
All except Picard exit. He goes back to work when the tweedlesquirge of the door sounds.
Riker squeezes his ample frame through the door as he eats tater tots out of a barrel and drinks from a glass of gravy.
Riker exits. The door tweedlesquirges again.
Dr. Crusher enters. She removes her jacket to reveal something sheer and filmy.
CRUSHER: Hello, Jean-Luc.
PICARD: (smiling) Hello, Beverly.
CRUSHER: It is time for the weekly ... (licks lips) ... injection.
The commercial opens with a bunch of obviously drunk guys stumbling onto the screen while the audience hears someone sing a familiar ditty...
SINGER:(VO) Let's toast our good pals,
Even though thy're schnockered,
They're all great guys,
Though most of them are wrecked right now.
'Cause toniiiiight they got boooombed
On Lowerbrow. DRUNK1: Hey, this is great!
ANNOUNCER: (VO) Good times, good friends, and good beer.
DRUNK2: Hey, Lou, could you pass me a beer?
ANNOUNCER: (VO) What better way to end a long day of diggin for clams with the boys?
DRUNK3: Wait a minute, Lou's passed out, I'll get you one. Now where did that cooler run off to?
ANNOUNCER: (VO) But put those clams away. They'll keep. Everybody's lost their appetites, anyway.
ANNOUNCER: (VO) Right now it's time to get a good load on with the boys by sucking down some good, high-powered bottle Lowerbrow beer.
DRUNK5: I'm going to go swimming, anybody seen the ocean?
DRUNK6: I think it's down by the beach.
DRUNK4: OH GOD!
ANNOUNCER: (VO) Yes, this is what being a beer-drinking guy is all about.
SINGER: (VO) Because toniiiight we'll get stiiiiffed on Lowerbrow.
ANNOUNCER: (VO) Lowerbrow Beer. Open Chute Brewing Company, Golden, CO.
End of Commercial
The scene opens at a table in 10-Forward, which is a bit crowded at the moment. Troi, Worf, and Guinan are sitting at a table with Lister. They are drinking various luminescent concoctions and generally are acting like any new friends in a pub. Lister is in the middle of one of the all-time great jokes.
WORF: (VO) Securtiy Offficer's log. While I was at first opposed to bringing the members of Red Dwarf onto the enterprise, I am now certain that they are no threat. Troi has announced that their emotions and thoughts indicate no anger or animosity toward us. More importantly, they are too selfish and stupid to be spies or saboteurs.
LISTER: ... Ding dong, dammit, ding DONG!
Everyone at the table cracks up at this great joke, which neither Paramount nor the Beeb could get past the censors.
GUINAN: Dave, what the heck are you eating?
LISTER: Chicken kebab diablo. It's like eating a nuclear reactor. It's so hot that me old mate Chen was in hospital for a week after only one bite.
WORF: It is quite delicious. It reminds me of my favorite Klingon snack food.
TROI: Yes, Will tried it and he hasn't eaten in half an hour.
Guinan and Worf reaise their eyebrows at this news. Cat struts/slides over to the table, holding a drink with about a pound of fruit on top.
CAT: Yeow! you know, I've never been around women before! I don't understand them, but I'm having the time of my life!
TROI: What did you think of the Holodeck, Cat?
CAT: In-smegging-credible! (turns to Lister) We got to get one of those, Monkey! Spending all day with three girls in a hot tub full of sequins and raspberry jam is my idea of fun!
GUINAN: You know, Cat, you're the kind of guy I'd like to hang out with.
CAT: Well, who can blame you? You're only female.
TROI: So what did you think of it, Dave?
LISTER: Well, it was kind of sad, really.
CAT: Spent it with Kochanski, huh?
LISTER: Yeah. At least now I'm pretty sure she would never have gone out with me.
CAT: Hey, buddy, she does marry you when we arrive back in time.
GUINAN: He's right, Dave, don't sweat it.
WORF: Easy for you to say; you aren't eating that kebab.
TROI: What do you mean 'she marries you when we go back'?
LISTER: It's a long story. Anyway, next time we go back, we leave Rimmer behind.
WORF: What a smeghead.
GUINAN: I hear that.
CAT: Hey, where is old Alphabethead, anyway?
LISTER: Dunno, haven't seen him in a while. Last I knew he was on a holodeck.
At this point Data and Kryten come up to the table and sit down.
GUINAN: Hi guys. How goes it?
KRYTEN: Oh, quite well, thank you. We believe we have the equations solved.
DATA: Yes, we seem to have narrowed down the parameters. I think we will be ready soon.
CAT: Hey, excuse me, guys, but I gotta go! There goes the Nameless Cute Blonde Ensign! Yeow! Hey, if I'm not back in an hour, do NOT come after me. Yeow! (Exits)
GUINAN: Sensitive guy.
TROI: He may seem shallow, but he really does care.
GUINAN: Nice butt, too.
DATA: It is interesting to see another member of your crew find a girlfriend.
WORF: Excuse me? 'Another'?
KRYTEN: Yes, Data and I have decided to date each other while we are together.
LISTER: You wot?
DATA: We thought it would give us insights into human relationships should we role play boyfriend and girlfriend.
TROI: But you are both male androids.
KRYTEN: Not necessarily, I can attach a number of useful accessories to my groinal socket, allowing me to perform various tasks like sweeping the floors, dusting the furniture, or whipping up an omlette.
GUINAN: Now THAT might REALLY put Will off his food for a couple of hours.
DATA: Well, we just stopped by to say hello and to report that all seems to be going well.
KRYTEN: We have to go now to help implement the polarity reversal on the time hole. Are you ready, Sugar?
DATA: Yes, I believe I am ready, Honey buns.
Kryten and Data leave holding hands; Worf stands up.
WORF: I must go on duty soon. I shall talk to you later, Dave.
LISTER: Low and slow, Worf.
GUINAN: I gotta get back to work, too. Take it easy, Lister.
Guinan and Worf leave.
TROI: Dave, do you wish to talk about this Kochanski?
LISTER: There's not really a lot to talk about, really. Just someone I had a crush on when I should have known better.
TROI: (smiling slightly) I think there is more to it than that, but this isn't the place to talk about it. Why don't you come to my quarters in five minutes? We can talk about it there.
LISTER: Sure, five minutes.
Troi winks at Lister, stands, and leaves. For five seconds Lister keeps his expression neutral, then starts to grin.
LISTER: (quietly) Rock and roll!
Scene cuts to Lister standing outside the doors to Troi's quarters. He is busy trying to get the curry and vin-de-loo stains out of his shirt then rings the tweedlesquirger.
TROI: (VO) Come in.
The doors open and Dave walks in. The lights are low and tinted a dark blue. Troi turns around, wearing a thin, erotic, translucent greenish negligee. The doors close and lock.
TROI: Dave, I know it must be hard. (Lister looks down then looks up, with a strange look on his face.) All alone in deep space, your only companions aren't human. The only woman you loved never knew you existed. I can feel your pain, and I want to help you ease it.
LISTER: O thank you, Deanna!
TROI: Kiss me!
They embrace in a long, probing, passionate kiss. Lister then carries Troi over to her bed. A steamy love scene ensues, the details of which I will leave up to you. Troi and Lister are dancing the horizontal bop when suddenly...
VOICE: Yes! Go, Listy!
TROI: What was that!?
LISTER: I don't know!
TROI: I don't recognise the voice!
LISTER: 'ang on a minute, I do. RIMMER! Get your scrawny little ass out here right now!
RIMMER: (VO) I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
LISTER: Why not?!
RIMMER: (VO) Because I am now in the computer, like Dr. Moriarity. That was the main reason I went to the holodeck. Now I have a new hologramatic friend here, and I can go anywhere on the ship that I want to. I can feel now, Dave, something I couldn't do aboard Red Dwarf.
TROI: But that gives you no right to peek in on people just to satisfy your perversity.
LISTER: Besides which, Rimmer, you've never bonked in your life!
RIMMER: (VO) I know and I'm sorry. I should have checked what you were doing before I came to see you. I just want you to talk to Captain Picard so that he'll let me stay on board the Enterprise.
RIMMER: (VO) Because my two options are to stay in space with you, Kryten, that gimboid of a cat and that gormless idiot Holly as a hologram, or to go with you back to Earth in 2050, where I'll still be a hologram.
LISTER: Okay, Rimmer, on two conditions. One, you never EVER do this to me or Troi again, and two, you tell me where you hid the disks for the crew's holograms.
RIMMER: Okay, fine.
Commercial opens with a rather attractive lady who is sitting in her rather middle-class living room.
LADY: Hello. I realize that many of you are watching television and eating your dinner right now, which is why I want to talk to you about vaginal yeast infections. In these hot, humid, sweaty days of summer, a yeast buildup can ...
At this point, Worf jumps on stage with a longsword and cuts her head off. He then turns to the camera.
WORF: GOD! I've always wanted to do that.
End of Commercial
Scene opens on the bridge. The usual crew is there, except that the Nameless Cute Blonde Ensign is now replaced by a nameless ethnic ensign. Troi has a smile on her face that a crate of lemons couldn't get rid of.
PICARD: (VO) Captain's log, supplemental. Data, Geordi, Kryten and Holly have prepared the ship to fire four photon torpedoes at the big ora...er, at the time hole. Mr. Rimmer is now living on our ship's computer; though LaForge and Data have told me it is perfectly okay, I still have my doubts. At least we had to remove Wesley's accounts to make room for Rimmer, so it is not a total loss. The other Red Dwarf crewmembers are back on their ship, along with our Nameless Cute Blonde Ensign, who has fallen in lust with Cat.
RIKER: Boy, this chicken vin-de-loo stuff is yummy! It really goes great with this Pot Noodle!
The rest of the people on the bridge look rather vaguely squeemish as Riker really starts to dig in.
PICARD: Are we ready? Geordi?
GEORDI: (VO) Red Dwarf?
HOLLY: (VO) Data?
PICARD: All systems go. Commence firing sequence now.
Pfyew! Pfyew! Pfyew! Three photon torpedoes fire into the time hole, which slowly loses angular momentum and stops rotating. It then starts to rotate in the opposite direction, finally reaching a terminal rotation rate.
PICARD: Ready to leave, Red Dwarf?
HOLLY: (VO) Roger. Entering time hole.
Red Dwarf then starts to move, slowly moving through the time hole. A few seconds after it disappears, the time hole collapses without a trace.
PICARD: Data, report.
DATA: The calculations seem to have been correct, sir. The time hole should have collapsed onto itself. We can only assume that Red Dwarf is now at its intended destination.
Close up of a smiling Troi, with a tear starting down her face.
TROI: (whispering to herself) Good luck, Dave. Bev and I will never forget you.
Cut to the interior of Red Dwarf, the hologram simulation suite. Lister, Cat, Nameless Cute Blonde Ensign, and Kryten are standing around a small terminal in the center of the room. Lister places a small object which looks like a CD into a computer.
LISER: Here goes nuthin'.
Lister hits a computer key and a small, cute brunette (KOCHANSKI) appears before them.
LISTER: Hi, Chrissy.
Cut to the quarters of Lister. They are all gathered, drinking, laughing, joking, etc.
KRYTEN: Well, sir, how did it go?
LISTER: In-smeggin-credible! Kryten, I don't know how you and Holly swung that, I don't WANT to know how you did it, but thank you for gettin' rid of that smeghead!
CAT: Yeah, thank God ol' Grease-stain is gone! This is almost worth giving up one of my scarves for!
NAMELESS CUTE BLONDE ENSIGN: Oh, Cat, you're so cute!
CAT: Well, who am I to start an argument?
KOCHANSKI: You mean you guys did all this just for ME?
HOLLY: Mainly. But a part of it was that we all were slowly being driven space crazy by Rimmer. The only thing which allowed me to hang on to my sanity was my conversations with my Lister's socks.
CAT: Well, for whatEVER reasons, it also brought Jenny here into my life. And that's a good deal considering we only had to give up old Goalpost Head for her.
Cat and Jenny (aka Nameless Cute Blonde Assistant) kiss.
KRYTEN: My only regret is that we forced Mr. Arnold on all those nice people on the Enterprise.
LISTER: Yeah, but I made him promise that he wouldn't use his new life to cause trouble and poke into people's private lives, so everything should be okay.
HOLLY: Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on.
LISTER: What is it, Hol?
HOLLY: There's a ship out there.
Cut to Picard's quarters. Picard is in his studly open-chest relaxation clothes, drinking tea and reading Lady Chatterly when his door tweedlesquirges.
PICARD: (VO) We have just dropped off our supply of baby corn ears at Omigod Ceti V. We are now settling down for a long journey back to Earth for shore leave.
DATA: Sir, I am sorry to bother you when you are on your own time, but I feel that this is important. We have reports of Mr. Rimmer yelling 'Boo!' to sleeping children and giving them bad dreams.
PICARD: Very well, I will speak to him about it.
WORF: Sir, we have unconfirmed reports of Mr. Rimmer messing up the programs on the holodeck while people are using them. Apparently O'Brien was running his Felicity Kendal program when he suddenly realised he was having sex with John Inman. Dr. Crusher is now stabilising him and getting him back to a regular heartbeat.
Dr. Crusher enters.
CRUSHER: Captain, I have Mr. O'Brien stabilised, he should be okay in a day or so. I also am here to report that a certain computer program was caught rummaging through my drawers.
PICARD and TROI: WHAT!?!?!?
CRUSHER: I mean my drawers which contain my clothing; specifically, my undergarments.
PICARD: Oh, I see.
GEORDI: (VO) LaForge to Captain Picard.
PICARD: Picard here, what's up Geordi?
GEORDI: (VO) Sir, Rimmer just came down here and started juggling the dilithium crystals. We need to drop out of warp for an hour.
PICARD: Thank you, Picard out. Picard to bridge.
RIKER: (VO) M-mbl mllf, mlr.
PICARD: Will, don't talk with your mouth full.
RIKER: (VO) (GULP) Sorry sir. Riker here.
PICARD: Go to impulse, Will, Geordi needs to work on the dilithium crystals.
RIKER: Very well (braaaap), sir. Riker out.
PICARD: Data, get on the computer and restrict Rimmer's access to every-thing. Then try to come up with a plan to go through a time hole to visit Red Dwarf. Worf, prepare for an assault on a hostile computer program. Troi, try to get everbody on the ship calm about Rimmer. Bev, go put on some black leather underwear and return here immediately.
A man who appears to be in his mid-30s is sitting in a fashionable restaurant.
MAN: Hi, do you know me? A lot of people did before my investments in the savings and loan industry caused me to lose my shirt. But I got back on my feet and revenge at the same time. Now I am a burglar who steals only from former S&L slimeballs who can declare bankruptcy and still keep their entire fortunes. That's why I use this.
(Holds up a rectangular piece of green plastic.)
The America Repressed Card. I never leave a home without it.
(Hands it to a waiter to pay his bill.) Close up of an America Repressed card with no name on it. As the voice over starts, the name Niel Bush appears in type on the card.
ANNOUNCER: The American Repressed Card: the Choice of a Pampered Generation.
The scene opens on the bridge of the Enterprise. The usual crew are there, plus the nameless ethnic ensign to show just how spiritually and racially enlightened this show REALLY is.
PICARD: (VO) Captain's log, stardate 27190.903. We have contacted Starfleet of our decision to discover Red Dwarf and punish them by returning Mr. Rimmer to them. LaForge and Data believe that they can create a time hole by first creating a small warp bubble in space and using time-variable magnetic fields to induce angular momentum, then flooding the bubble with tachyons and orange dye. It sounds like a lot of merde to me, but they assure me that if Paramount buys travelling faster than light, we should be able to pull this off, too.
PICARD: Bridge to engineering.
GEORDI: (VO) Geordi here, sir.
PICARD: Are the tachyons and orange dye ready?
GEORDI: (VO) Ready to fire, sir.
PICARD: Worf, fire.
Pfyew! Pfyew! Pfyew! sound effects again
DATA: Warp bubble expanding, sir. Bubble beginning to take on the characteristics of a time hole.
NAMELESS ETHNIC ENSIGN: Confirmed, sir, reporting progress continually to Starfleet, as per orders.
DATA: Parameters for photon torpedoes to tune the time hole now entered into the computer, sir.
PICARD: Mr. Worf, commence photon torpedo firing sequence.
Pfyew! Pfyew! Pfyew! sound effects again
DATA: Time hole is slowly changing... Time hole is now stabilised and ready for us to enter.
PICARD: Nameless Ethnic Ensign, take us in, impulse power.
Scene changes back to Red Dwarf, in the control room. Cat, Jenny, Lister, Kryten, and Kochanski are surrounding a display, whilst Holly is back on his computer screen.
LISTER: Holly, man, do you know what kind of ship that is?
HOLLY: Sorry, Dave, I can't identify it, but it looks a little bit like that ship we just saw on the other side of the time hole.
CAT: WHAT!? You mean we've gone through time and space back to where we were, and we may have to deal with people who'll hate us because we dumped ol' Smeghead on them?
HOLLY: No, it's not the same ship.
KOCHANSI: Put it on screen, Hol.
KRYTEN: He's right, it does look quite a bit like the Enterprise.
JENNY: It IS the Enterprise!
LISTER, CAT, HOLLY, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI: What!?
JENNY: It is the Enterprise, but an earlier model!
LISTER: Holly, see if you can raise them and let's find out what the smeg is going on.
HOLLY: Right. Got 'em on audial only.
KOCHANSKI: This is Red Dwarf, mining ship of the Jupiter Mining Corpor-ation. Who are you?
VOICE: This ... IS ... Captain James T. Kirk ... of the ... Enter ... prise.
They all look at each other in disbelief.
HOLLY: I think I did it again.
KOCHANSKI: O god.
KRYTEN: I think I feel a Jackson Pollock coming on.
LISTER: Enterprise, this is Dave Lister, one of Red Dwarf's last survivors. We've just come through a time hole. Where are we and what is the year?
KIRK: (VO) Just a moment, we will try to establish visual.
LISTER: Okay, Red Dwarf out.
KOCHANSKI: I've got a really bad feeling about this.
CAT: Yeah, like we might run into Rimmer's whole family.
HOLLY: Getting visual now; putting it on screen.
Holly fades from his computer screen which now shows the bridge from the old Star Trek. Kirk stands, straightens his tunic.
KIRK: This is Captain Kirk. We ... welcome ... you to this sector. But we cannot be sure that what you say is true.
KRYTEN: But sir, we have just been through a terrible experience. We have lost one of our crew, after visiting a ship from your future. We came through a time hole which we thought would return us to Earth at our own time. Apparently we are closer, but not quite there yet.
SPOCK: Confirmed, sir. Computer records indicate that a corporation named the Jupiter Mining Corporation existed, and lost a mining ship named Red Dwarf for reasons unknown.
LISTER: What happened was that one of the crew, a real smeghead named Rimmer, caused a radiation leak, and everyone on board died but me and my pregnant cat Frankenstein.
KIRK: Really? How did you survive, and (leering at Jenny and Kochanski) who are all those people around you?
LISTER: Oh, right. You see, I was in stasis at the time of the leak, and Holly, our computer, didn't release me until three million years later, when the radiation levels were down. Cat here (points) is the last surviving member of the Cat people who evolved from Frankenstein. Chrissy here isn't really alive, she's a hologram; Kryten is a mechanoid, and Jenny is Cat's girlfriend from the future Enterprise.
SPOCK: Sir, this could be a plot by the Romulans or Klingons.
KRYTEN: Or the Ferengi.
SULU: We haven't discovered them yet.
CHEKOV: Sir, it is wery possible that the Wulcan is right. Ve should kill them all now.
LISTER: 'ang on a minute, why would the Klingons want to trick you?
KIRK: Because we are constantly within a whisker of being at war with those barbarians! And they won't let me sleep with their women!
JENNY: (whispering to Red Dwarf) Wait a minute. This must be before the treaty between the Federation and the Klingons. They were bitter enemies before that.
KOCHANSKI: (whispering) I think we should get on their good side. If what you told me earlier is true, we need their weapons to get out of here.
CAT: (whispering) What? Be nice to people wearing THOSE outfits?
LISTER: Captain Kirk, we need to come aboard the Enterprise. We need to return to our own time, but we need your help.
Cut to TOS Enterprise bridge.
KIRK: Just a moment ... Red ... DWARF. (turns to Spock) Spock, could it be ... a trap?
SPOCK: Uncertain at this time, sir. However, sensors can detect only four lifeforms on that ship: the blonde woman, the slob with the pigtails eating the spam vin-de-loo, the man allegedly evolved from a cat, and a sock that has genetically mutated. Fascinating, the woman who is allegedly a hologram does not register on our sensors. If this is a ruse, it is an elaborate one. I feel it should be relatively safe to bring them over.
KIRK: Very well. Uhuru, send a subspace message to Starfleet and to my hair club.
URUHU: Yes sir.
SCOTTY: (VO) Sir, we have to stop! The engines kinna take no more o this!
KIRK: Dammit, Scotty, that's last week's script!
SCOTTY: (VO) Sorry, sir. Scott out.
KIRK: Uhuru, bring them back on the screen.
UHURU: Yes sir.
KIRK: Red Dwarf, prepare to beam over.
LISTER: No, stop! You can't do that, man, it will cause Chrissy's photons to fly apart and never reassemble.
KIRK: (licking his lips and looking at Kochanski the way Madonna looks at cucumbers at the grocers) Yes, that would be a tragedy.
LISTER: Right, we'll be over on Starbug in an hour.
KRYTEN: Pardon me, Captain Kirk, sir, but do you have a free holodeck?
KIRK: A free what?
KRYTEN: Well, sir, Ms. Kochanski here could only survive if you could adapt one of your holodecks to generate her image while she visits.
SPOCK: Captain, we do not have such technology. Perhaps we should get a landing party to transport over to Red Dwarf.
KIRK: Agreed. Red Dwarf, we will beam over to your ship.
LISTER: Okay, okay.
Cut to Officer's Club (viz Red Dwarf III/6). The Red Dwarf gang, in order to impress the TOS Enterprise crew in order to get their help, is dressed in their best clothes. This means that Lister's shirt has only two curry stains on it. Holly is even wearing a hairpiece.
KIRK: (VO) Captain's log stardate 69. A small landing party is beaming over to Red Dwarf. This includes Mr. Spock and Mr. Scott, who can help provide technical assistance, Dr. McCoy and Nurse Chappel, who can give any needed medical assistance, Mr. Sulu, who can oil himself up and duel with his sword for security assistance, and myself, who can get laid.
Five columns of light appear in the Officer's Club, with the accompanying el-cheapo sound effects. The columns of light transform into the affor-mentioned ST:TOS personnel.
CAT: Wow, I haven't seen a light show like that since Jenny and I ...
Janny slaps the shinola out of Cat, who collapses on the floor.
KOCHANSKI: (saluting) Christine Kochanski, Acting Captain, welcomes you to Red Dwarf.
KIRK: Hey, baby, does that H on your forehead stand for 'hot mama'?
KOCHANSKI: Captain Kirk, with all due respect, smeg off. I am engaged to Dave Lister now.
SPOCK: Sir, sensors indicate that this person is actually mechanical.
KRYTEN: Yes, I am a service droid in service to Mr. Lister, who saved me from a wrecked craft.
McCOY: Dammit, Spock, I'm the doctor!
KIRK: (looking at Jenny) And who might you be, sweet thing?
JENNY: You're worst nightmare: a woman with a mind of her own.
Cat regains his feet and looks at Kirk.
CAT: Aigh! Look out! There's a strange furry animal and it's attacking that man's head!
HOLLY: Emergency. Emergency. There's and emergency going on. It's still going on.
KOCHANSKI: What is it, Hol?
HOLLY: There's another ship approaching.
SPOCK: Odd, sir, when we transported over, there were no ships in our sector except for us and Red Dwarf.
HOLLY: That's because it just came through the time hole.
LISTER: WHAT time hole?
KRYTEN: But didn't we close up the one we went through?
HOLLY: Yeah, but this is a new one. The one the other Enterprise made.
Throughout this commercial we see scenes of modernday Norman Rockwell scenes, one of which contains the industry standard token black family.
ANNOUNCER: (VO) It was a simpler time. A time when you could trust your neighbors to sleep with your spouse. When the people with money in America acted irresponsibly and selfishly while destroying the nation's economy. When a president representing big business and the wealthy was in the White House. When Congress fought inflation by constantly voting themselves pay raises. When only the wealthy could properly afford an education and good medical care. When the yuppie scum who run this country drove Japanese cars to rallies for the homeless.
Camera cuts to a Mazda Miata sitting in a showroom.
ANNOUNCER: When people would pay over $25000 dollars for a car which runs on rubber bands and could fit in a coat pocket, just because it's a status symbol and made in Japan. The new Mazda Miata. The car that preserves the American dream. In Japan.
End of commercial
Scene opens with a space shot of TNG Enterprise closing in on TOS Enterprise and Red Dwarf.
PICARD: (VO) Captain's log, stardate unknown because of that damn time hole. We are now in an unknown time and place, and we can see that Red Dwarf is near what looks like an old Federation warship. We must protect Red Dwarf from possible harm, or else we'll be stuck with Mr. Rimmer for all eternity.
Scene shifts to interior of Red Dwarf, in the Officer's Club, as before.
HOLLY: I'm getting a message from the other Enterprise. 'ang on while I put it on screen.
LISTER: O smeg. I think they're going to make us take Rimmer back.
CAT: What!? No way, Jose! I'd rather work for a living!
KOCHANSKI: Well, it was nice while it lasted. Have a good life, Dave.
CAT: After the start he's had?
LISTER: No, Chrissy, I am NOT letting you go without a fight!
JENNY: I agree. I'm behind you, Dave.
The bridge of TNG Enterprise comes on the screen.
PICARD: Lister, I need to see you right now.
LISTER: Okay, beam some people over. We've got part of the crew from the other Enterprise here now.
PICARD: OTHER Enterprise?
Kirk adjusts what looks like a shredded squirrel on his bald head. He adjusts his uniform and puffs out his chest like a male grouse during the mating season.
KIRK: This ... is ... Captain James T. Kirk of the Enterprise.
RIKER: (spitting out a whole canteloupe) Wow! My hero!
LISTER: Listen, Picard, what do you want, anyway?
PICARD: You have to take Rimmer back. He has been violating our privacy with a breathtaking irreverence.
CAT: Hey, I don't care if ol' Grease Stain has been violating young boys with an overripe celery stalk, he's staying!
KRYTEN: Captain Picard, sir, you must understand: Lt. Kochanski here is a hologram. Since we can only support one hologram at a time, bringing Mr. Rimmer back to our ship would cause her to expire.
HOLLY: (VO) It would also cause her data disk to be permanently corrupted. She could never even be a hologram again.
PICARD: Yes, that is a problem. We will send a small party over using the transporter. Picard out. Will, organize a landing party for Red Dwarf.
RIKER: (putting down a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken) Yes sir! (Exits)
TROI: I think Bev and I should go too, sir.
TROI: ... unless you want Bev to find out about that fetish you showed me the other day.
PICARD: In that case, permission granted.
The scene shifts back to Red Dwarf's Officer's Club, where they are waiting for the landing party from TNG Enterprise. Four small light columns appear, which turn into Worf, Troi, Data, and Bev.
TROI: (to Chappel) Hi, mom.
DATA: Lieutenant Commander Data of the Starship Enterprise. This is Dr. Crusher, Councilor Troi, and Lieutenant Worf. Commander Riker will beam over momentarily.
CAT: Why didn't Dogbreath come over with you guys?
WORF: We couldn't all safely fit on the transporter with Commander Riker.
McCOY: Dr. Crusher, I am Dr. McCoy of the Enterprise.
CRUSHER: Pleased to meet you.
McCOY: Pardon me asking but do they call you 'Bones'?
CRUSHER: Not often, but it has happened.
McCOY: (laughing hysterically) 'Bones' Crusher! Hahahahahaha!!!
Bev punches him in the eye.
DATA: Dr. McCoy, I believe we have met before, sir.
McCOY: We have?
DATA: Yes, when the newer Enterprise was first commissioned.
McCOY: How the hell can I know about my own future? Dammit, Data, I'm a doctor, not a psychic!
DATA: I am sorry, sir. Apparently humans from your time are not used to travelling in time, unless it involves the late 20th century Earth. But as an android, I am not affected by such concepts.
McCOY: You mean you're not alive?
DATA: No, sir.
SPOCK: (with that old seven-year look in his eye) Fascinating.
McCOY: YOU may think it's fascinating, Spock, but it really frosts my shorts! Imagine, thinking they can make a bunch of tinkertoys into a human!
WORF: Lt. Commander Data is not only a fully qualified Starfleet Officer, but he is also a living creature in the eyes of the Federation.
SPOCK: Really? Are his emotions normal for humans?
DATA: No sir, I am entirely devoid of emotion.
SPOCK: (with that seven-year look getting stronger) Most intriguing!
KIRK: (with one eye on Bev as she and Troi talks to Chappel about various family matters, etc) Gentleman, let us get down to business.
Just then a ball of light the size of a swing band appears in the middle of the Officer's Club and becomes Riker, eating a jellybean burrito.
RIKER: Got any food?
JENNY: Cork it for a bit, Riker, we've got work to do.
KIRK: (strutting up to Bev) We certainly do.
LISTER: Let's get down to business.
KIRK: (looking at Bev like a wolf looks at a wounded elk) I am.
HOLLY: Gordon Bennett, what a smeghead.
CRUSHER: Kirk, you can either quit looking at my breasts and attend to the problems at hand, or I will surgically remove your genitalia with a rusty knife and give them to you as a necklace.
KRYTEN: If I may, as I see it, the situation is this: the future Enterprise needs to purge itself of Mr. Arnold, Red Dwarf can't take him and needs to get back to its own time, and Captain Kirk here needs to be neutered to stop his being sexist and dysfunctional
. RIKER: I need food.
LISTER: Here, try this.
RIKER: What is it?
LISTER: A triple fried egg sandwich with chili sauce and chutney.
RIKER: YUM! (wolfs it down) Not bad. Now then, we need ... (turns pale) ... I gotta find a bathroom!
(waddles out as quickly as he can)
WORF: Nice one, Dave! (Worf and Lister high five.)
SPOCK: What seems to be the problem with this Mr. Rimmer?
CAT: You want a list?
WORF: He has been violating security and crew members' privacy, and has generally been a danger and a nuisance to others.
CAT: Sounds like Rimmer to me.
DATA: He has been disrupting our ship's discipline and morale, and he has endangered the lives of the entire crew.
LISTER: Now 'ang on a minute. Rimmer promised me he wouldn't do anything like that after he spied on me and Troi.
TROI: Not precisely, Dave. If you'll recall, you told him not to do that to either you or me. Since then he has not bothered me, and he can't have bothered you.
KOCHANSKI: Dave, what were you doing with her ... alone?
JENNY: Chrissy, Troi is the ship's councillor for the Enterprise.
KIRK: (sotto voce) I could use some of that counselling myself.
TROI: I am also empathic; I can sense feelings, emotions, moods. Some of us were discussing the holodecks on our ship, and at this point I sensed sadness in Dave. He had used his holodeck time to just talk to a computer simulation of you. I thought it best to ... help him work out his depression and frustration.
KOCHANSKI: I'm sorry, but I've just been brought back as a hologram by Dave, and I guess I'm a bit jealous.
TROI: I understand.
CAT: Besides, he hadn't got any in over three million years.
Lister punches Cat. Kochanski just looks at Lister with a you'll-pay-for-that smile.
KIRK: (in awash-with-testosterone mode) You know, Troi, I am in need of some ... counciling myself. Maybe I should see you about it.
TROI: Well, I sense something very strong and scarring inside you.
KIRK: Oh? And what would that be?
TROI: Enough horniness for a whole herd of wildebeast in the rut.
LISTER: Look, I refuse to take Rimmer back. I don't want to lose Chrissy and I will not risk damaging her holodisk.
DATA: Pardon me, but what information is stored on the holodisk?
KRYTEN: Oh, just the person's personality, accumulated knowledge, their DNA structures, things like that.
Keith Richards is standing in fron tof a black background.
Keith: 'ello, I'm Keith Rich-eds. There are a lot of you young punks out there who are doing drugs. But what you don't see is that the drugs are causing problems worse than the ones you're running away from. Drugs are not the answer. If you don't do drugs don't start. If you are a drug taker, stop and clean up. That way there will be a shitload more for me out there and the prices will go down to boot. Remember, drugs are not the answer. Drugs are the question. Yes is the answer.
End of Commercial
We come back from the commercial to see Data, Geordi, Spock, Kryten, and Holly working in front of a computer in engineering. Kryten is holding a holodisk while Holly, Geordi, and Data are having a rather heated discussion. Spock is his usual impassive self, but he keeps staring at Data.
PICARD: (VO) Captain's log, stardate still unknown. Commander Data has come up with a scheme which may give us a way around our problems. He believes that we can use the genetic information that exists on the Red Dwarf holodisk in conjunction with our transporters to bring the crew of the Red Dwarf back to life. However, because this procedure requires so much energy, we will be able to resurrect only one crew member and still have enough left over to open two time holes: one for Red Dwarf, another for us should ours close. The old Enterprise refuses to help any more than loaning Mr. Spock because Jenny ripped off Captain Kirk's testicles when he hit on her.
DATA: I am not certain that would work, Geordi.
GEORDI: Yeah, me neither.
SPOCK: Yes, your original plan, though simple, should be sufficient. There is no need to complicate it further.
HOLLY: Good news, I think I have the data in a format that your computer can read now.
GEORDI: Okay, let's see if we can read in the DNA data now.
Geordi punches up a few things on the compute
KRYTEN: It seems to be going okay...
GEORDI: Done. Okay, let's look at the DNA code...
SPOCK: Fascinating. Captain Hollister has just become a woman.
HOLLY: 'ang on a minute, I've got it upside down ... there.
KRYTEN: Well done, everybody. Now we are ready for the next phase.
Kryten removes one holodisk and replaces it with another.
KRYTEN: Lt. Kochanski's holodisk now in place and ready.
DATA: Reading in the file ... Done. Now proceeding to reformatting the file ... Done. We are now ready for the transporters.
Holly, Kryten, and Geordi leave. As Data is walking out, ...
SPOCK: Excuse me, Commander Data, I have a few questions that I must ask you.
Fade to Transporter Room 3. Data, O'Brien, Kryten, Geordi, Holly, and Bev are there, but Spock is nowhere to be found.
GEORDI: Running diagnostics ....
DATA: Odd. The Kochanski file has been tampered with.
O'BRIEN: But who...?
DATA, KRYTEN, HOLLY, GEORDI, BEV: Rimmer!
KRYTEN: Sir, I have a cunning plan. Let us reload the file, but store it under the name Rimmer. It will not change a thing, but it may fool Mr. Rimmer.
DATA: Excellent idea, honey thighs. I shall reload the file ... Done. Reformatting ... Done. Now, Chief.
O'BRIEN: Right, McCloud.
A small needle of light appears on the transporter, which shimmers into a very alive, very nude Kochanski.
KOCHANSKI: I'm alive!
KRYTEN: Glad to have you back, ma'am.
GEORDI: (looking up) Whoa! Check out the infrared!
O'BRIEN: Data, can we hook up Geordi's visor to ...
BEV: Knock it off. (Goes over Kochanski with her twirly thing.) She seems perfectly fine, fit, and well-formed.
GEORDI: (sotto voce) You can say that again.
DATA: Now to bring Mr. Rimmer back as a hologram.
Cut to Troi's quarters. Spock is there talking to her.
TROI: Mr. Spock, I do sense the pain, but you need to open up and tell me what you feel. You have to tell me how Data's rejection of your advances hurt.
SPOCK: I cannot put it into words. Perhaps a Vulcan mindmeld would help.
TROI: Very well.
Spock begins to give Troi a mindmeld. After four seconds, his hand starts to quiver and her breathing gets heavy. She starts to moan and Spock gets a rather glazed yet intense look on his face.
TROI: O yes!
SPOCK: O wow! Owow!OwowOwowOwow!
Cut to scene of Troi an Spock lying in bed, smoking cigarettes and smiling from ear to ear. Troi rolls over to face Spock.
TROI: Tell me again what's on your mind, Spockie.
Spock grins, throws his cigarette away, and places his hand on Troi's head for another mindmeld.
Cut to Picard's ready room. Geordi, Kryten, Kochanski (now fully dressed), Data, and Holly are there.
PICARD: So everything is ready.
GEORDI: Yes sir. Rimmer has been converted back to his old hologramatic self, and is restricted to the cargo bays, and the time hole for Red Dwarf is now stabilised.
PICARD: Very well, dismissed.
KOCHANSKI: (holding out hand) Thank you, Captain Picard, for bringing me back to life.
PICARD: You are more than welcome.
All exit, except Data, who hovers near the door.
DATA: Sir, I would like to discuss something with you.
PICARD: Yes, what is it?
DATA: Sir, I would like to resign from Starfleet and join Red Dwarf.
PICARD: WHAT?! But why!?
DATA: Because I am in love with Kryten, sir, and I believe him to be carrying our love child.
PICARD: Well, since Mr. Spock has just requested to sign on with us, I suppose it's okay.
Scene fades to cargo bay of Red Dwarf, where Jenny, Cat, and Lister are waiting outside of Starbug. Out step Kryten, Holly, Data, Kochanski, and a hologramtic Rimmer with a big scarlet letter S (for 'Smeghead') on his chest.
CAT: You made it!
Lister runs up and hugs Kochanski.
JENNY: Data, what are you doing here?
DATA: Well, is it not the responsibility of the father to provide the best for his offspring?
KRYTEN: Yes, I am pregnant with Data's love child.
LISTER: You wot?
KOCHANSKI: Give you any ideas, Dave?
HOLLY: We've got to get going, the time hole will close up pretty soon.
Cut to scene of the Earth. In orbit near the planet is a big orange whirly thing. A huge red spacecraft emerges as a possibly familiar song begins to play.
It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere...
I'm all alone, More or less.
Let me fly far away from here.
Fun fun fun in the sun sun sun.
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose,
Sipping fresh mango juice.
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes.
Fun fun fun in the sun sun sun.
Fun fun fun in the sun sun sun.