written by steve lake
[Shot of outside of Enterprise]
Picard: Captains log stardate 4/4704.3. We are in orbit around the outpost Ciety Alpha 12, some rather dubious circumstances surround this mission, with neither starfleet nor myself knowing little of the situation, other that a strange glowing hole has appeared in the starfield.
[Cut to bridge, Picard is in his chair, Riker is leaning on the arm of his chair, Worf is at his post, Geordi is at Science Station 5, and Data and Wesley are on the Helm.]
Picard: Mr. Data, any change?
Data: No change as of yet, sir, although I am getting a message from the planet saying that they are getting a great suntan from the glow. It would appear that the hole is giving off all forms of electromagnetic radiation, as well as various gasses, mostly methane.
Picard: Any sign of audio waves?
Data: No sir, the gasses are not transferring any sound.
Riker: (Smirking) Silent but violent !
Data: (Turns his head inquisitively) Sir ?
Riker: Never mind Data, just an old childish joke.
Data pauses for a second and then
Data: Ah yes [He stands] a reference to the exhaustion of gasses from...
Picard: Yes, thank you mister Data, I think we get the picture.
Data: Yes sir. [He takes his seat and presses various buttons]
Geordi: Sir, I'm getting a strong change in frequency from the hole... Sir it's changing color !!!
Picard: Data, do you agree?
Data: Yes sir, it would appear that it is indeed changing color.
Picard: On screen [Worf presses buttons and the screen shows the hole changing color]
[Cut to outside, showing the hole which was previously yellow changing to red]
[Fade to black, run opening credits]
[Fade back in to show hole changing colour, and then switch to the bride; Jupiter mining ship Red Dwarf]
[Rimmer, Cat, Lister and Kryten are stood staring at a view screen which shows the inside of the hole, ILM are strutting their funky stuff]
Rimmer: ALIENS ! I knew it, Aliens.
Lister: Shut the smeg up Rimmer, Shut up.
Kryten: [To cat]Sir, unlikely as it may seem, the singular act of plugging your super deluxe hair dryer into the control room power supply has put us in a space/time hole, and I feel that I must say that I think that you are a complete SMEEEG HEERRD.
Cat: Well, if you'd wired up some decent sockets in my room, not ones that go "VIIISST" every time you use one then everything would be OK.
Lister: Look, what does it matter how we got here, we're here now anyway.
Cat: Yeah, he's right, at least the view outside matches my suit. [He spins]
Holly: Hang about, I'm picking something up.
Lister: What is it Hol?
Holly: Well either its a hyper-light speed battle cruiser, or its some sand stuck in the scanner.
Rimmer: Aliens, See I told you !
Lister: For the last time, shut the SMEG up.
Holly: Uh oh, I was wrong, it's only a highly destructive photon torpedo probe.
Rimmer: I knew it, it's the body snatchers, they come to your house trying to sell a set of Encyclopedia Galacticas and then VOOOM there goes your face.
Cat: Yeah, their motto is "They came, They saw, They stole your ass."
Holly: Hang about, we've got a message.
Lister: [Pressing buttons] Lob it up Hol.
[The screen fizzes and Picard appears]
Picard: This is captain Jean Luc Picard of the federation starship Enterprise, Please identify yourself.
Lister: Smeggin' Hell, they're human, we've come through a time hole.
Cat: Was that a woman I saw in the background ?
Kryten: This is very strange, The Enterprise was just in the design stages when we left earth, about 4 years ago, but it would not have been commissioned for another 6 years, and I'm sure it used to be green !
Holly: I s'pose that we could have come back just after the Enterprise was commissioned, Say 11 years after we left.
Kryten: Of course, it was not the Enterprise that was green, it was the Romulan Bird of Prey. Sorry sir my memory ship seems to have become momentarily dislocated.
[Lister hits Kryten over the head with Cats hair-dryer.]
Kryten: Thank you sir, I needed that.
Cat: My hair-dryer!!!... Oh never mind.... it was fried by Plastic Percy's wiring anyway.
MESSAGE SCREEN:"I repeat this is Jean Luc Picard do you understand us?"
Lister: Hol open hollering frequencies.
Rimmer: That's hailing frequencies [whilst putting hand down over face]
Lister: I knew that smeg head
Holly: Okay Dave hailing frequencies open, s'funny that saying open when you mean on, I mean who invented that anyway, what a weirdo.
Lister: YO!! matey how's it hangin'??
Picard: Who are you?
Lister: I'm .......
[Lister gets pushed off by the impatient Rimmer]
Rimmer: [saluting] Greetings captain, the name's Rimmer, Arnold J. Rimmer, space adventurer and part time technician.
Cat: Yeah and I'm a Gargle beast from Traal who can only say the word vicarage every second Tuesday.
Rimmer: Shut up, Cat.
[Cut to bridge of Enterprise]
Picard: [To data] give me an intelligence scan....
Data: The only intelligence there is the rats, if my scanners are right, although there is also a human, a cat type organism, and an unknown creature at the other end of the ship. From the data available, the other organism seems to be a shape changer, a genetic mutation from some years back.
Picard: Quit finished with the lecture Data?
Data: I still have 5 hours of data left at human speed sit.
Picard: OFF..[Data Slumps into a crumpled mess]
Riker: How can you do that sir?
Picard: Emergency measure, for switching of blabbering robots.
Riker: I want him on! [He smirks]
Picard: Stop smirking Riker. Data stays off until we need him.
Lister: (on screen) Hey dudes, what date is it?
Picard: Stardate 4/4704.3
Lister: (on screen) Ok matey cut the crap. I want the date, the whole date, and nothing but the date. In English ok?
Riker: You switched him off, sir.
Data: As I was saying I have more than 5 hours of ata at..
Picard: Shut UP! Good. Now tell me the A.D. Date.
Data: April the 3rd 2447 sir, to the best of my knowledge.
Lister: (on screen) Thank you. Now kindly piss off.
Picard: I can't do this, we haven't had the first commercial break yet!
Data: Inquiry...'Piss off' sir?
Picard: Ancient Colourful Metaphor.
Data: Oh..A slang word describing the action of...
People start trying to sell you the holiday of the life time, it will only put the first national bank in hock if you borrow from them, and an even bigger bill if you make it back.
The special offer on space weetabix, the best way to fill your space suit, from top and bottom at the same time.
[Fade back to Enterprise, The Red Dwarf is now fully trough the time hole, and is making the Enterprise look slightly small.]
Picard: Captain's log, Supplemental. We have encountered what would appear to be an almost totally deserted Jupiter mining vessel. The remaining crew, namely a human, a cat like humanoid, similar to those from Cattia 5, an android and a hologram, who claims to be Captain Arnold J. Rimmer, Space adventurer, and their slightly erratic computer. All seem to be friendly enough, although the contact we have had with them seems to be little more than an insult throwing session.
[Fade to bridge of Enterprise]
Picard: Mister Data [He pauses] Oh Hell...ON..
Data: ...urinating.....Sir what happened, I seem to have missed something.
Picard: Don't worry it was only the adverts. Open hailing frequencies to the Red Dwarf
Worf: Aye Sir [He pressed buttons]
Computer: Feeeeedle squirdge
Worf: Hailing frequencies open sir.
Picrad: Captain Rimmer...
[Rimmer appears on the screen with a stupid Napoleon costume on, His H sign has been recently polished and catches the light shining it into Picard's eyes.]
Rimmer: Yes Captain Picard, what do you want, I was just about to show my telegraph pole photograph collection to Kryten.
Picard: [shading his eyes and wincing at the thought of the photos] We should like you to beam over and join us in our visitors suite.
Rimmer: The transporter beam won't work with me.
Picard: [under his breath] Thank god!
Rimmer: [continuing] But we will come over in our Star Bug shuttle, Is there anything else you want us to bring, you know, spare warp drive command module, Bazzookoids, you name it.....
Picard: That won't be necessary thank you, although your personnel file would be useful to prepare for your arrival.
Rimmer: Okie Dokie, I'll get Holly to send 'em over. [He salutes again, and presses a holo-button]
Seconds pass....Rimmer's image is still on the screen, frantically pressing hologramatic buttons.
Rimmer: How the hell do you turn this smeg pile off.
Data: I believe the button that you are looking for is to your right.
Rimmer: This one ?
Data: No, down a bit.
Rimmer: This one ?
Data: No, next to the thrextron oscillator switch.
Rimmer: Ah....Which one's that?
Picard: Hurry up, Data.
Data: Ah, I have an idea [He presses lots of buttons] Red Dwarf Computer Access Code 12D53Q6.3
[Holly appears in the top right hand corner of the screen]
Holly: Oi, What was the idea of waking me up, I was just having a snooze. Who are you anyway....'ere, you're an android aren't you?
Data: No, I'm an Eggplant....[getting very annoyed] why does everybody ask me that.
Data: Yes Sir...Computer...
Holly: That's Holly to you.
Data: Okay, Holly Turn off Captain Rimmer's Sub-Space terminal.
Rimmer: Oi, I'm getting there.
Holly: Captain..[laughing] CAPTAIN, Oh no he's just...
Rimmer: I've got it. [He presses the button and the screen goes blank.]
Entire Enterprise bridge crew: Thank God for that.
Worf: Captain, The crew-data files are being downloaded now.
Picard: Good, Riker, take the com. I'll be in my room.
[switch to Lister's room, Red Dwarf. lister is on his bunk bed, Rimmer is at the table and Cat is by the micro-chef]
Lister: So, let me get this straight Rimmer. You said that you were a Captain, and a space explorer, and that we would go over to the Enterprise and be brain washed into being nice little star fleet crew members by their constant babble....No thanks.
Rimmer: No, I said I was a Space Adventurer not space explorer.
Cat: Think that we're lucky that he didn't call himself Admiral.
[Kryten enters the room]
Kryten: Excuse me, sirs, but we have just received a message from the Enterprise asking for us to come over. They seem to have no record of Mister Rimmer, for some strange reasong their computer only had the message "Mind your own smegging business" in his data area.
Lister: I wonder why [He jumps down from the bunk and walks towards the room] So Captain, what'll we do now.
Rimmer: Well, we go over there and meet them.
Cat: Yeah, and maybe we can meet some women too..
Lister: Last one to Starbug 1 is a total Spud Brain.
[They all bundle out the door. Cut to Starbug 1 interior. Kryten is at the controls, Rimmer is in the back rehearing a greeting speech, Cat is brushing his hair in front of the mirror on the inside of a locker, and Lister is spraying his socks with a spray can.]
Cat: [To Lister] Hey buddy, are you expecting to meet somebody?
Lister: Yeah, i hope so.
Cat: Well, I hope they like fly spray.
Lister: Why? [He stops, and looks at the can] OH SMEG.
Kryten: [Pressing buttons] This is Starbug 1 Shuttle from Jupiter mining craft Red Dwarf, are we cleared for entry.
Enterprise:This is engineer P. B. Smedley you are cleared to land in bay 2. Do you want a tractor beam lock.
Rimmer: No, we can manage perfectly thank you.
Kryten: But sir.
Rimmer: Bring her around Kryten.
Rimmer: Just do it Kryten.
Kryten: [Reluctantly] Yes Sir, mister Rimmer sir. [Switch to outside view, The Starbug's thrusters fire and power it towards the Enterprise's docking area.]
Rimmer: Right now turn left a bit..
[Kryten pulls left on the joystick]
Rimmer: No, no... right a bit
[Kryten pulls right, the Enterprise looms nearer]
Rimmer: Right, now pull up a bit.
[Kryten pulls up]
Rimmer: Ah... Perfect, lower landing gear Kryten.
Kryten: But sir, the landing gear is fixed in position.
Rimmer: Ah, yes Kryten, I was just checking to see if you knew.
Kryten: [If he was capable of sighing he would] Yes Sir.
[Switch to outside view, the starbug is powering towards the docking bay]
[switch to Enterprise bridge]
Wesley: Captain, sir.
Picard: Yes Wesley, what is it now ?
Wesley: It's the Starbug
Picard: What's that, some type of medical jargon that you picked up from your mother ?
Wesley: No sir, it's the Red Dwarfs Shuttle.
Picard: Oh, what about it ?
Wesley: It's on a collision course for the docking bay roof.
Picard: WHAT.......Worf sound red alert, get a fire crew to docking bay 2.
Worf: But sir, we haven't got any fire crews on this ship, we have got security squads, shall I send them ?
Picard: [Putting his face in his hands] I don't care, send the ship's cat !
Worf: But it's not qualified sir !
Wesley: The starbug will hit in approximately 10 seconds.
Data: Sir, may I suggest a Fire SQUAD be sent to the docking bay ?
Picard: But Worf said we don't have a fire squad.
Worf: No sir, I said we don't have a fire CREW !!!
Picard: Send the Fire People, I don't care what they are called. [shouting] JUST SEND THEM NOW !!!!!
Picard: What was that ?
Geordi: Tension breaker, It had to be done !
[Switch to Starbug]
Kryten: Sir If you don't let me alter the present course soon we will crash into the docking bay ceiling.
[Lister enters the cockpit]
Lister: [looks out the windscreen] PUSH DOWN KRYTEN NOW
Kryten: But sir, master Rimmer told me to stay on this course.
Lister: I don't care. [He jumps forward, through Rimmer and pushes forwards on the joystick]
[switch to outside view, the Starbug smashes head first into the docking bay floor, bounces, hits the ceiling and removes the well battered tail]
[Switch to inside of Starbug, Cat is sitting, upside down in the locker, Lister is lying on the floor, Rimmer is shaking his head in disgust and Kryten is still sat in his seat]
[Kryten comes round]
Kryten: Oh, my goodness
Rimmer: Nice one Kryten, Good landing.... I'm sure there is a little room for improvement in that manoevre, but altogether not bad, I mean, at least one of us is still alive !
Kryten: I'm S S S S S Sorry S S S S Sir... Excuse me
[he bashes his head]
Kryten: Ah That's better, my guilt mode went into over load and it shorted out my voice module.
[Lister comes round]
Lister: Smeg, I feel like I have just eaten a hand grenade vindaloo. What happened man?
Rimmer: Kryten here decided to play skipping stones with the Starbug, He actually managed a "THREE", some kind of galactic record, In fact I think I shall call up the Guiness book of records right now.
Lister: Shut up, I mean you gave the order to stay on course, "Left a bit, right a bit...Perfect" Yeah perfect to get us all killed.
[Cat comes round, and a scutter bleeps back on-line]
Cat: Woaah, That was not a good move.
Lister: What, you mean I should have left us to crash into the wall ?
Cat: No...Hell I don't care about that...I mean these socks, [he lifts his foot] With this shirt
[He opens his jacket]
Rimmer: Wait a minute. [to Lister] Are you telling me that YOU practically wiped us out.
Lister: Yeah, but it was better than your docking attempt with the wall !
[There is a knocking on the door]
DOOR: KNOCK KNOCK
[See I told you !]
Worf's voice: Come out with your hands up you Human Bastards
Riker's voice: Worf, they are visitors, FRIENDLY visitors !!
Worf's voice: Well if these are friends, I'd hate to see the enemies.
Holly: [holly appears with an ice bag on her head] Strewth, What a headache, I feel like I have druk 20000 gin and tonics, with out the tonic !
Lister: Open the door Kryten.
Kryten: [Presses buttons]Sir, the door appears to be jammed.
[Cat, Lister and Rimmer all look at Kryten.]
Lister: Well we do need something about 6 foot long with a flat top.
Kryten: Oh no, not again !
[switch to outside of starbug, the docking bay is totalled, Worf, Riker and a security squad are all standing by the door. Suddenly the door bursts off it's hinges]
Worf: [drawing his phaser/dustbuster] Freeze [Cat and Lster, who were using Kryten as a battering ram drop him on the floor and put their hands up. Rimmer steps out from behind them]
Rimmer: At ease, I am Captain Arnold J. Rimmer, Commander of the RED DWARF
Rimmer: [Changing the subject] So, are you the captain? [to Riker]
Riker: [Smirking] No, I am just the first officer, the captain is on the bridge commanding the starship.
Lister: Don't do that man, or at least warn us so that we can put on our shades.
Riker: If you would follow me, I will show you to the hospitality suite where we shall dine.
[Fade to black and the adverts]
'Ere they've 'Ad their Weetabix......etc
New persil, much better than the old persil, even though we have made absolutely no cahnges in the formula what so ever !
That awful SEALINK advert with the crap sound effects
MARVIN THE ANDROID, YOUR PLASTIC PAL WHO'S FUN TO BE WITH
[Fade to Enterprise in orbit around the small orange planet, with RED DWARF in the background]
Picard's voice: Captains Log supplemental. The visitors from the RED DWARF are enjoying out hospitality suite, the hole in space from which they came has now closed, apparently they cannot go back. We are still unaware of the reason why the timehole appeared in the first place.
[Switch to hospitality suit]
Lister: [To Autocook Food Synthsizer] Yo, I'd like a drink please
AutoCook: Water, Orange squash, Limeade or Lemonade ?
Lister: Well, I was thinking of something a little stronger.
Autocook: How about a Donkey Juice... Get it..DONKEY juice......Oh never mind
[Geordi walks up behind Lister]
Geordi: Sorry about that, we stopped off at the planet MUPP-ET a few days ago and the autocooks haven't been the same since.
Lister: Oh right...Listen autocook, I want a Large Lager and a hamburger NOW, or else I will get Rimmer to demonstrate his telegraph pole photo collection.
Autocook: BLLEEEEP....Please Wait, processing order
Geordi: That's great, I wish I'd thought of that !
Lister: [Sticks out his hand] Dave Lister
Geordi: [takes his hand and shakes it] Geordi La Forge
Lister: Pleased to meet you, man. The guy over there in the brutal suit is Cat[He points to Cat], the dork's name is Rimmer, but you already know that, and the Mechanoid is Kryten.
Bob the Skutter: BLLEP-BLOOOOOOP SQUIRGGE
Lister: Yeah, OK, this is Bob, the skutter !
Geordi: Hi there Bob.
Geordi: Data, come over and meet the visitors.
[Pan across room to Rimmer and Kryten]
Rimmer: Kryten, who is that guy over there with the yellow skin, is he ill or something ?
Kryten: I believe, Sir, that that is Lieutenant Commander DATA, an android with a positronic brain. In many ways he is similar to myself, except for the fact that my brain is merely electronic.
Rimmer: Ah, ... don't look, he's looking this way.
[Pan back to Data, Geordi and Lister, Bob has skuttled off to find something to do.]
Wesley: [Pulls Data away from others] Data, why has that man over there got a square head? Has he had an accident?
Data: I believe, Wes, that that is a series 2000 Mechanoid. I thought they were extinct six years ago.
Wesley: Extinct? But I thought that Androids and Robots and things like that can't die.
Data: We can't but we can be de-commisioned and shut down. Until about 5 years ago, the main cybernetics manufacturers, such as the Series Cybernetics Corporation (who's androids were all called MARVIN, and for some strange reason were all paranoid), set a clause into their robots. So that after 25 years or so they would automatically power down and be superseded by the new model. Thankfully this is no longer socially acceptable and was outlawed by the federation.
Wesley: Oh, so how come he is still on-line, so to speak ?
Data: I have to admit, I do not know !
[Switch to Bridge]
Troi: Sir, I sense a great load of guilt from Captain Rimmer, as if he is lying about something.
[Holly appears on the screen]
Holly: Allright, how's it going ?
Picard: What are you doing on my screen ?
Holly: Well, I couldn't help overhearing what was being said about a certain hologram, and well, I think that he might told you a miner porky pie.
Picard: Can we have his real ID please, computer ?
Holly: Oi, I do have a name you know.
Picard: [Sighs] Why do I put up with this ?
Troi: It is your duty as a Starfleet Captain.
Picard: Come on then, what would you like me to call you?
Holly: Well, Holly is my name, but my friends call me Holly !
Picard: Well... Holly, can we have the real personal file for Captain Rimmer ?
Holly: [Sniggering] He obviously lied more than I thought ! It'll take me about [She hits her head on the screen 3 times] three seconds to find out the right diskrecord !
Picard: Ok, Picard out.
[Worf presses buttons and Holly disappears]
Picard: [Presses badge]
Badge: BLLEP BLLEP
Picard: Geordi, can you tell me what is wrong with their crazy computer ?
Geordi's voice: I don't know Captain, but Kryten the Mechanoid is here, I could ask him!
Picard: Good, bring him up here to the bridge.
Geordi's voice: Shall I bring the others up too ?
Picard: Well you can bring the Cat-creature, and um, what's his name... Blister or something, but do not.. I repeat DO NOT bring the hologram !
Geordi's voice: Yes sir.
[Switch to hospitality suit]
Geordi: [To Lister, Kryten and Cat] If you would come with me, Captain Picard wants to see you. Captain Rimmer, Lt. O'Blighty here will show you the Warp Drive.
Rimmer: [To Lister, Cat and Kryten] Ha ha, now I get the tour and all you get is to meet the Captain... See you later lowly smeg heads.
[Lt. O'Blighty leads Rimmer towards the door]
[Rimmer and O'Blighty leave the room]
Geordi: Well that took care of him !
Cat: So, how come he gets the preferential treatment ? I mean, what are we ... Millway supporters or something?
Geordi: On the contrary, it is you that is getting the preferential treatment, Lt. O'Blighty is the most obnoxious, boring , most annoying officer on this entire Starship.
Lister: Oh. Well they should get on well than.
[They walked over to the door, it opens with the usual FFFFFFFSSSSSssshhh noise and they leave along with Wesley and Data.]
[Cut to the bridge, everyone is in their normal places and Holly is on the screen.]
Picard: Troi, what do you think of the rest of the Red Dwarf crew ?
Troi: [smiling] Well, the Liverpudlian is quit nice, although I hear there is a strange fly spray smell around him.
Picard: That's not what I meant !
Troi: Oh, well the Cat-creature is extremely vain and egotistical, he appears to care only for his appearance. The Mechanoid is just eager to please, although I sense a deep sense of humour. And Lister is reasonably kind and generous in his own sort of way, but he does not respond well to authority.
Riker: You can tell all of that without even meeting them?
Troi: Well, unlike some of us, I have READ THE SCRIPT !!!!!
[Lister, Cat, Kryten, Geordi, Data and Wesley all burst out of the turbo lift]
Kryten: Oh my heavens, it was tight in there !
Cat: Yeah, I'll neaver eat sardines again.
Data: I have to admit, it was rather void of free space.
Picard: Welcome to the USS Enterprise. I am Captain Jean Luc Picard, this is my first officer [He points to Riker], this is my councillor Troi [He points to Troi (amazing)] and I believe that you have already met Security officer Worf.
Lister: Yeah, you could say that.
Geordi: I believe there was something you wished to ask Kryten, Captain.
Picard: Ah yes. Tell me Kryten, why is it that your artificially intelligent computer with a supposed I.Q. of 6000 is so stupid ?
Kryten: Well It is my theory that she is sufferin from an extremely advanced form of computer senility, It is in fact just bad sectors on her 30000000Gb Hard disk System, but over 3 million years of continuous use, I believe that there are quite a lot of them.
Picard: How many ?
Data: I calculate approximately 29999999Gb worth sir, Which would leave her with only 1 Gb of memory and system space available to operate on. Seeing as the A.I. System takes 900 Megabytes this only leaves her with 100 Megabytes memory space, Hence her present I.Q. of about 12.
Picard: [Covering his face] Oh god, now I have two babbling androids to contend with !
Kryten: I'm sorry sir, but I resent the insinuation that I was babbling.
(left open for the sequal)