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BOYZ FROM THE DWARF MEET ROCKY HORROR

the events in The Rocky Horror Show.

AUTHOR: Totec) Xipe Manticore (aka Williams Martyn Thomas)

Part I:
=======

Scene Shot:
A green planet hanging in the background of space as the Starbug flies past, then change to the interior of Starbug's cockpit. Lister sits in one chair strumming his guitar with no obvious tune in mind, the Cat sits in the other in a black suit with silver trim and Holly's monitor is blank.

Lister sings something unintelligible to himself, strangely in time to whatever he's playing.

RIMMER walks in: Do you have to keep playing that nonsense Lister?
LISTER keeps playing, ignoring Rimmer.
RIMMER: Look, even your singing doesn't make sense, that is singing I presume?

Lister sings slightly louder, but still unintelligibly.

CAT: Hey, goalpost head has a point bud, I've listened to you play for two hours now and I haven't made out a word yet - I thought you we're in pain or something.
RIMMER: See even the Cat agrees with me... (To the Cat) I told you not to call me goalpost head.
LISTER: But you are a goalpost head Rimmer (he continues singing)
RIMMER: Goits, I'll have you both down on report for this.
CAT: Go ahead goalpost head but don't get in my way, I'm due for another snack Aarrroowww - I'm going eat you little fishy.

Cat leaves cockpit.

RIMMER: Right, Holly take a report... Holly? (Notices the blank monitor) Smeg.

Rimmer turns toward the doorway.

RIMMER calls: Kryten, where the smeg has Holly gone?... Kryten?

Lister laughs quietly to himself while strumming his guitar.

Rimmer looks sternly at him and waves a finger at him.

RIMMER: You just... you...

(gives up in frustration and walks out)

Scene shot: Starbug's main area, Kryten is fixing the wiring on one of the monitors, Cat is busy eating a plate of fish, Rimmer walks in.

RIMMER: Kryten, why didn't you answer me before?
KRYTEN: I'm sorry sir, I am trying to fix this monitor - it appears to be malfunctioning.
RIMMER: Well forget that now, I have to give Holly a very important report, where is she?

Kryten ignores Rimmer as he fits the wiring back into the wall next to the monitor.

RIMMER: Isn't anybody listening to me?
CAT: Hey, keep it quiet goalpost head, I'm trying to eat.
RIMMER: That's it, your all going on report... Holly? Holly... where the smeg are you Holly?

Holly's face appears on the screen as Lister walks in without his guitar.

RIMMER: Finally, there you are Holly, take a report..
HOLLY: Shut up goalpost head, I don't have time for that.

Rimmer screams silently in frustration and storms off into the cockpit.

LISTER: What is it Hol, is something going on?
HOLLY: I think somebody is on the ship, half my monitors have just gone dead.
KRYTEN: Well can't you look for them with the others?
HOLLY: Oh, I never thought of that, hang on...

(Holly fades out and fades back)

HOLLY: Oh no, they've got into my computer core - they're trying to take over the ship.
LISTER: What? Who is Hol, who's on the ship?
HOLLY: Oh dear, they've over rided my controls... I knew I shouldn't have left that cargo bay door open, can't look away for a second...
KRYTEN: Erm Holly, what are they doing?
HOLLY: Eh? Who?
KRYTEN: The ones on the ship that you mentioned a few seconds ago.
HOLLY: Oh them, I wondered who you meant... (A few seconds pass)
LISTER: Well?
HOLLY: Erm, well they appear to be about to shut me... (The screen goes blank)
KRYTEN: Erm, Holly... Hello Holly...
LISTER: Oh smeg, that's smegging great that is - we've lost Holly!

Rimmer walks back in having watched this all on the other monitor.

RIMMER: Well, that's great - I'll never have this report done now.
LISTER: Oh shut up Rimmer.

Cat looks up from his meal.

CAT: Hey, what happened to the face buds?
LISTER: Hol's been shut down, we'll have to be ready for whoever's in control of Red Dwarf when we get there.
CAT: Well I better have another fishy, I don't want to face anyone on an empty stomach.

Cat continues eating.

Rimmer brightens up as a thought hits him.

RIMMER: Aliens, at last - It must be aliens.
KRYTEN: Now we don't know that sir, Holly never said what was on board.
RIMMER: Aliens have taken over the ship to welcome us as representatives of Earth.
LISTER: Right Rimmer, whatever you say... (Walks into the cockpit, followed by Kryten)

Scene Shot: Starbug cockpit, Kryten and Lister sitting down looking at the controls as Red Dwarf is seen, through the screen in front of them, in the distance.

KRYTEN: We have a problem sir, it seems that Red Dwarf has speeded up.
LISTER: Well that's all right, Starbug can outrun Red Dwarf - it'll just take a little longer.
KRYTEN: Yes, but at that speed it'd take a bit longer than we have supplies for.
LISTER: How much longer?
KRYTEN: Well considering we have the month's supplies for that holiday we cancelled due to Cat forgetting his favourite twenty suits and the new speed of Red Dwarf, I'd estimate about two years, three months and twenty eight days short.
LISTER: Great, smegging great... (He thinks briefly) Well, isn't there a planet or something where we can get more supplies from.
KRYTEN: I'll see what's on the long range scanners sir.
RIMMER walks in: How long before we meet the aliens?
LISTER: Look, there not aliens Rimmer, and anyway we need to get more supplies or something... it's going take sometime.
KRYTEN: I've found one sir, a planet just within range - it appears to be populated.
LISTER: Great, set course then Kryten... maybe they know who's taken over the ship as well.
RIMMER: More aliens!

Lister shakes his head and picks up his guitar again.

(Six days later)

Scene Shot: Starbug flies towards another planet, Starbug lands on a large metallic platform near a strangely Earth-like mansion. Lister, Kryten, Rimmer and the Cat walk down the steps and towards the building.

LISTER (to Kryten): What is this place?
KRYTEN: It appears to be a building of a similar design to early 20th century mansions on Earth.
RIMMER: It was obviously made by the aliens to welcome us to their planet.
CAT: Yeah, right goalpost head, and I think anoraks are a fashion item!
LISTER: Would you stop going on about aliens Rimmer, that's all you've been going on about for the past week.

Rimmer smiles to himself and ignores them.

Scene shot: They arrive at the door, which opens slowly although nobody can be seen within, Lister shrugs his shoulders and walks in, followed by the others. They walk through a hallway, decorated with strange paintings and statues, into a sort of lounge where two sharply dressed humanoid males are standing, despite there being a sofa and some chairs around the room.

OFFICIAL1: Welcome visitors, please - make yourselves at home.
LISTER: Erm, well thanks guys. (He collapses into a chair)

Kryten looks at the room and thinks that it could do with a lot of cleaning.

CAT: Hey, nice suits you got there buds - not as cool as mine, but hey - if they were, I'd own them.

Rimmer performs a full Rimmer salute, nearly hitting himself in the eye.

RIMMER: Greetings from Earth, we are honoured to meet you.
OFFICIAL2: Ah, so you are from Earth as we thought, then that would make us aliens to you.
RIMMER (whispers): Aliens!

Rimmer collapses in a dead faint on the floor.

KRYTEN (rushes over to Rimmer): Are you OK sir... Mr. Rimmer... (to Lister) He appears to be unconscious sir.
LISTER: Ha, poor Rimmer - finally met his aliens and just couldn't take it.

The Cat smiles to himself and starts removing specks of dust from his suit, one by one.

OFFICIAL1: So, what brings you to our planet Transsexual?
LISTER: Well... erm, what did you call this planet?
OFFICIAL1: This is the planet Transsexual, in the galaxy of Transalvania Ė did you not know this?
LISTER: No, but if you want to give your planet a weird name then that's up to you guys!
OFFICIAL2: It seems we are fortunate for your arrival then. (Looks at Official1) We may have something you can do for us.

Both the officials smile in a suspicious manner and look back at Lister and the others.

LISTER (nervously): Erm, well if you gave us some supplies and maybe fixed up our ship a bit, we might have a deal... what did you have in mind.
OFFICIAL2: Oh, we just want you to deliver a message to someone.
LISTER: And, er.. would this person be somewhere dangerous?
OFFICIAL2: Well... not really, in fact we'll send you and your friends straight to him.
LISTER: Close is it then?
OFFICIAL1: No, but thatís no problem... I'm sure you know the place, it's known as the planet Earth.
LISTER (Brightens up): Earth... you mean we're finally going to get back to Earth!
OFFICIAL2: I'm glad you agree, now I'm sure we can cover the details quickly...

Scene Shot: A darkened room, mainly metallic with several computer screens and various levers & switches covering the walls. Lister, Kryten, Cat and the freshly woken Rimmer stand in the centre of the room while the two officials stand by some of the controls on a nearby wall.

RIMMER: Where am I... (Memory floods in) Aliens... there were aliens!

Rimmer looks round the room rapidly whilst trying to fake a karate stance, he sees the officials and stands up straight, with his hands behind his back, whistling quietly. OFFICIAL1: Well I'm afraid that's not exactly true.
CAT: Hey what you saying bud?
OFFICIAL1: I'm sorry to say that you can't stay on Earth, you see it'd be in the 20th century now and we don't want the population knowing we exist so we'll have to bring you back after you've delivered the message.
LISTER: Hey - no way, either you let us stay there or we won't go... right guys?
RIMMER, CAT, KRYTEN: Right.
OFFICIAL2: Ah, but we have something you never thought off... we have lazer guns, you do not.

Both the officials take out trident shaped lazer guns and point them at them.

LISTER: Oh, yeah - I guess we didn't think of that.
CAT: They've got us there bud, that's a pretty persuasive argument they're holding.
OFFICIAL2: Yes, these are laser capable of producing a beam of pure anti-matter.
KRYTEN: Excuse me, but in that case they're not lasers.

They all look at Kryten with puzzled expressions.

KRYTEN: A laser beam is that of highly focus light rays and have nothing in common with anti-matter, so technically they are not lasers.

The officials look at each other and whisper frantically for a few seconds before turning back.

OFFICIAL1: You may be right, but they'll still kill you if you don't do what we say.

Kryten stops looking smug.

LISTER: Ah, right.

The officials work a couple of the levers and Lister, Rimmer, Kryten & the Cat disappear.

OFFICIAL1 (to Official2): Do think they'll be able to resist Frank'n'furter?
OFFICIAL2: I doubt it.

Part II:
========

Scene Shot: A darkened garden, there isn't a storm brewing, but you would feel there should be. Beyond a tree can be seen a large mansion, very similar to the one on the planet Transsexual, suddenly Lister falls out of the tree onto the path.

LISTER: Owph... Smeg where did that tree come from... Stupid goits couldn't even put us on the ground... Kryten, Cat, Rimmer, where are you guys.
KRYTEN (Somewhere in the tree): I'll be right down as soon as I can remove this branch from my spinal cerrrrheezzz, my spineeeaaa... Will that be all sir, well have a nice... ... Ah, I think I have it now.

A large amount of rustling results in Kryten landing in a bush nearby. The Cat jumps nimbly out of the tree to land beside Lister.

CAT (almost wailing): Hey, my suit, my suit - Did you see what that tree did to my suit... thank god it didn't crease it or I would have just died.

Lister ignores Cat and rushes over to the bush which Kryten is climbing out of.

LISTER: Are you all right Kryten, that was a bad fall you took there?
KRYTEN: I appear to be fiieeee, to be fiieeee... (He removes a small twig from his neck) To be fine sir.
LISTER: Well if you say so Kryten...
RIMMER: When you've quite finished stuttering over each other can somebody get me down?

Lister and Kryten turn to see Rimmer apparently floating two foot off the ground at a 45 degree angle to normal, he has his arms crossed and is tapping his foot impatiently, quite impressive considering his foot doesn't seem to be touching anything.

LISTER: How do you manage that Rimmer?
RIMMER: Oh, didn't you know - I often practice standing at stupid angles above the ground... (slightly louder) My lightbee is stuck in a branch you, goit, now get me down.
LISTER: Oh, OK Rimmer.

Lister walks over and sticks his hand into Rimmerís stomach, Rimmer abruptly vanishes and Lister pulls his light-bee out of the low branch that can now be seen.

LISTER: Where's he gone? Kryten, you found this thing - what's happened to it?
KRYTEN: Well I believe you just hit Mr. Rimmer's off switch.
LISTER: Really? You mean he has an off switch, and I didn't know?
CAT (wailing from nearby): Argh, there's dirt on the trousers, I'll have to burn the whole suit now.
KRYTEN: It's to stop the light-bee's power supply running low away from the ship, I think I'd better turn him back on.
LISTER: Oh well, suit yourself. (He drop kicks Rimmer's light-bee to Kryten, who just manages to catch it)
KRYTEN: Now sir, this is a delicate piece of equipment - we wouldn't want to lose Rimmer would we?... I'm sorry, I think that tree must have damaged my reasoning circuits sir.

Kryten fiddles with the light-bee as he and Lister walk over to find the Cat licking the shin of his trousers clean. Rimmer reappears and makes a scene of dusting himself down.

RIMMER: Well thank you for hurrying you guys, its not nice being switched off.
KRYTEN (looking towards the mansion): It appears that there is the mansion we are suppose to visit.
LISTER: Right then, let's deliver that message then.
CAT: Yeah, and get away from these trees, they've ruined my suit.
KRYTEN (Looks at the tree again): Hmm, Slutuitous Gobbulie, quite a rare species I believe.
RIMMER: Look, would somebody mind telling me what the smeg we're supposed to be doing here?
LISTER (starting to walk toward the house): Well it's quite simple Rimmer, we're here to deliver a consignment of candy to Riffraff who like, helps run his mansion over here.
KRYTEN: Now sir, you know that isn't true.
LISTER: Yeah, course it's true - we have to avoid this sausage guy 'cause he doesn't like Riffraff getting too much candy.

Rimmer being slightly dazed after being turned off totally fails to catch the sarcasm in Lister's voice as they walk up to the door. Lister knocks on the door and waits as it slowly swings open to reveal a short balding man, who appears to be a hunchback, peering out of the gloom inside.

RIFFRAFF: Yes, and what brings you to my master's house on a night like this?
LISTER: Erm, your master - would that be this Riffraff guy then?
RIFFRAFF: No, you are most mistaken... I am Riffraff, my master's humble servant.
LISTER: Err, right - well, I believe we have something for you from your superiors back on Transsexual. RIFFRAFF (quietly): Shhh, the master may be nearby. (slightly louder than normal) Well I think you better all (he looks at each of them in turn slowly)... come inside.
KRYTEN: Well thank you Mr. Riffraff, sir.
RIFFRAFF: Please, it is just (pauses again) Riffraff.

They enter a dimly lit hallway that is full of antique furniture and has a staircase leading up into the gloom above. A figure steps out of the shadows behind the stairs, it a transvestite of the highest order - dressed complete with stockings, make-up but no bra. He looks sharply at Riffraff.

FRANK'N'FURTER: Well, what are these people doing in my house, I said my work was not to be disturbed.
RIFFRAFF: I'm sorry master but they have some deliveries to make and I don't think they would dare disturb your (pauses as he turns to look at Lister)... work.
RIMMER (saluting): Yes we are here to deliver consignment of candy to Riffraff here.
LISTER (out of the corner of his mouth): Shut up Rimmer.
RIFFRAFF (Turns to look strangely at Rimmer): Yes... quite...
FRANK'N'FURTER (waving his hand vaguely in the air): Well you enjoy your candy Riffraff, I'll be in the lab working on my (gives a slight, cough-like laugh) obsession.

Frank steps into a lift that is virtually hidden in the gloom and disappears though the ceiling, a shadow near the top of the banister of the stairs suddenly turns out to be the provocatively dressed Magenta who has been lying there, a leg either side of the banister. She turns to look at the assemblie below.

MAGENTA: Candy, ha. Riffraff's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky (With this she slides down the banister in a most unladylike fashion)
CAT (Whispers to Rimmer next to him): If you ask me, that banister's lucky!

Rimmer nods in agreement.

RIFFRAFF: Ah, Magenta... how nice of you to join us, these (looks Kryten up and down pausing)... people have a message for us. Please, show them to a guest room.

Scene Shot:
Rimmer, Lister and Kryten stand in what might have been a large room before it was filled with a wide collection of antique statues and other items just one step away from being junk. Riffraff enters with Magenta who closes the door and slowly walks around the room as the rest of them talk.

RIFFRAFF: Sorry to keep you waiting, your Cat wanted to be shown where to clean his suit, anyway we are quite safe here, this room contains none of my masters monitors, so please... tell the message you've brought me.
RIMMER (looks confused): I thought we were delivering candy?
LISTER: Oh Rimmer, you're such a smeg head... Kryten tell Riffraff the message so we can get out of here.
KRYTEN (To lister): Yes sir.

Kryten turns to Riffraff who is idly wiping the dust off one of the many statues and seems to be playing little attention to what is said.

KRYTEN: Your superiors say that they have new orders for your mission and that it is vitally important that you contact them immediately.
MAGENTA: At last, we are to have our orders... we can be free of our master.
RIFFRAFF (looking up from the statue): If only it was that easy dear Magenta.
LISTER: What do you mean, that easy?
RIFFRAFF: Well it would seem that my transmitter to my planet is no longer functioning... it seems that your message is somewhat (pauses) useless.
RIMMER: Well I'm sure old Mr.Know-it-all Kryten could fix it, he seems to fix everything else.

Lister tries to nudge Rimmer into shutting up but realises that he can't nudge a hologram. Riffraff's gaze turns slowly towards Kryten. Rimmer smiles smugly.

RIFFRAFF: Is this true... can you fix my (pauses as he tilts his head to one side) transmitter.
KRYTEN (Trying desperately to lie): Well, I'm sh-sh-sh-sure I c-c-c-can. (To himself) Oh... debugger routines, I still haven't got that lie mode right.
LISTER (Hurridly): Well, that's it, that's the message - don't want to keep you, er, guys waiting... so we'll just be going now eh?
RIFFRAFF: I'm sorry, but that... won't be possible. You see, we must get the full message before you leave.
MAGENTA (sliding her hands over Listers shoulders from behind): Yes, the (pauses)... full... message.
RIFFRAFF: And if your Kryten here can help me fix my transmitter, I'm sure your stay will be somewhat (pauses)... shorter.
MAGENTA (hisses in Listers ear simultaneously): Shorter.
LISTER (disentangling himself from Magenta): Oh smeg, I suppose we'll being staying here a while then.
RIMMER: What happened about the candy.
LISTER: Oh for smeg's sake Rimmer, there's NO CANDY.


Part III:
=========

Scene Shot: The Cat, having cleaned his suit four times and realising it was time for his pre-midnight snack, is roaming through part of the higher levels of the mansion. He arrives, via a lift, in a large open room, high above is a painted domed ceiling and a viewing gallery surrounds the room. Towards the back of the room the Cat spies a large glass tank with a strange collection of taps overhanging it in a circle, he slides over to it looking around the entire room in the manner of someone who shouldn't be there.

Riffraff, whilst showing Kryten the broken transmitter that is behind some of the statues in the storeroom, glances at a monitor and sees the Cat standing next to the glass tank.

RIFFRAFF: Well, it seems your cat has found himself in the master's lab. I do hope he doesn't touch anything or the master will (pauses) not be pleased.
LISTER: We better stop him.
RIMMER: Oh-oh-ohh, the Cat's in trouble this time Listy.
KRYTEN: If you don't mind sirs, I think I'd better get started on the transmitter, it may take some time.
RIFFRAFF (beaconing to Lister and Rimmer): Follow me. CAT (to himself): Arroowww, what have we here... hey, it's a dyeing tank. I better put this to good use, this suit's colour is starting to get unfashionable.

He starts turning the taps randomly, letting various coloured liquids flow into the tank, oblivious to the fact that there is a body lieing inside, the figure of Frank'n'furter struts into the room from the lift, in which the brightly dressed woman known as Colombia waits.

CAT: Aww no, this isn't a fashionable colour at all. I better turn a few more of these taps.
FRANK'N'FURTER (sees the Cat and runs over): No, no what are you doing to my experiment... it's ruined.

The glass tank is now rapidly filling with multicoloured liquids and Columbia walks over to the Cat as the lift descends into the gloom below.

FRANK'N'FURTER (desperately turning of the taps): You evil little creature, you've ruined my experiment, now I'll never have my man.
CAT: Hey bud, how was I to know your dye machine was hands off.
COLOMBIA (in her wonderfully high pitched voice): Well, you've certainly haven't got into the master's good books now have you.
CAT (turning to Colombia): Hey, I don't need to be in any books - when you're as good looking as me, everyone knows who you are already, awwroww.

The lift arrives back and Riffraff emerges with Lister and Rimmer - they all walk over to where the Cat and Colombia are, noticing Frank'n'furter trying to salvage his experiment.

COLOMBIA (seeing Cat's teeth): Woaww, you're a cat.
CAT (acting slightly cooler than before): Yeah I'm cool, but I wasn't going to boast about that which is so blatantly true.
FRANK'N'FURTER (stamping his foot and still turning the taps): It'll never work now, it's totally ruined.
COLOMBIA: No, I mean you're a cat, a feline sapian... so am I.
CAT (almost taken aback): What, no way - I'm the only Cat around here. (Quietly to Lister who just arrived) That's a woman right?

Lister nods slightly to the Cat and turns to look at Colombia. Cat also turns to Colombia and makes a cross between a purr and a growl as he walks round her looking her up and down. Riffraff is now helping Frank'n'furter to stop the taps and starts talking to him quietly. Rimmer just stands around trying to listen in on what Riffraff and Frank'n'furter are saying. Colombia tries to ignore Cat now and turns to face Lister as he speaks.

LISTER: Are you really one of the Cat race? I thought it only evolved on Red Dwarf?
COLOMBIA: Yes, I was on the second arc that was heading to Fushal but I was banished from the ship and sent through a time hole to here.
LISTER: But why were you banished, I certainly would have kept you on board.
COLOMBIA: They said my singing was too cool, so it broke the one law.
CAT: Hey, what's wrong with being cool?
COLOMBIA: The one law, "Thou shalt not be cool" as declared by Clister the Stupid.
LISTER: I never said that!
COLOMBIA: What?
LISTER: Oh nothing, it's a long story.

Frank'n'furter having finally shut down the taps, the tank now being about half full of an almost glowing collection of coloured liquids, turns sharply from Riffraff and points directly at the Cat.

FRANK'N'FURTER: I want that... that... thing locked up. Riffraff (he flicks his head to one side and lets his hand drop slightly) take him away and lock him up for tonight's banquet.
Colombia puts her hand to her mouth and runs to the side of the room to be away from the others.

CAT: Hey, you can't lock me up with nothing to eat until tonight... I'll starve, I've got have my five or six snacks a day so my mouth doesn't forget how to eat.
FRANK'N'FURTER (with a slight laugh in his voice): Who says you'll be eating.
LISTER (Catching onto Frank'n'furter's meaning): Hey, no way man - nobody's eating my friends, not while I have something to say about it.
RIMMER (who is smiling to himself): Don't be so sentimental Lister, I'm sure the Cat will go down fine with some Ciante wine.
LISTER: Oh thanks Rimmer, that's really helpful that is - Miss Sausage of the year here wants to eat Cat and you start giving recipe tips.
RIMMER: Oh I'm sure the worse that could happen is someone would get a furball stuck in their throat.
CAT: Wow, thanks a lot smeg-for-brains, I like my fur just where it is.
RIFFRAFF (turning to Frank'n'furter): Don't you think master, that he would be of better use to you in your floor show?
FRANK'N'FURTER (considering): Hmm... Yes, I suppose he does have a certain (pauses as he looks the Cat up and down) animal attraction.

They are interrupted by a slight moan coming from the glass tank, they all turn to see someone climbing out of it (remarkably dry, despite the liquids) though he seems to have a large head wound that looks fairly fresh as he stumbles to pull himself out of the tank.

COLOMBIA screams: Eddie!

She rushes over to the tank and starts helping him to get out, Lister also goes over to help whilst the Cat, Frank'n'furter, Riffraff and Rimmer just stand there. Riffraff seems as uninterested as always but Frank'n'furter has a look of surprise on his face and turns to speak to the Cat.

FRANK'N'FURTER: It works? My experiment works! (Pointing at the Cat again) You, which order did you put the taps on... I have to know.
CAT: Hey, does this mean I'm not the main course any more bud?
FRANK'N'FURTER (waving his hand in dismissal): Yes, yes, whatever... just show me which taps you turned!

Lister and Colombia have just managed to get Eddie out of the tank, he is now sitting next to it coughing out some of the liquid as Cat leaps over to the tank, closely followed by Frank'n'furter, Riffraff and a rather uninterested Rimmer.

CAT (Looking at the taps): Well first I turned the red one, then the blue (pauses)... or was it the yellow... no the first was the yellow...

Cat continues trying to work out what he did, while Frank'n'furter and Riffraff listen to him. Eddie is finally able to speak and the others are standing around him. Frank'n'furter, Riffraff and the Cat are too busy, and ignore the others.

COLOMBIA (hugging Eddie): Oh Eddie, you're alive again.
EDDIE (rubbing his head wound): Yeah babe, it takes more than an ice pick and a lobotomy to get me down.
LISTER (thinking about this): You mean you were killed?
EDDIE (looking at Lister): Well yeah, that evil guy, Frankie over there, he did it.
RIMMER (brain ticking over): And that overgrown fish tank brought you back.
EDDIE (glancing back at the tank): I suppose.
COLOMBIA (still hugging him): Well you're back now, I don't care if the master killed you.
RIMMER (to himself): If it brought him back, then maybe it'll work for me!
LISTER: Hey guy, I knew the underwear freak was dangerous, but murder that's serious?
EDDIE: That freak deserves to be locked up, he doesn't seem human to me.
LISTER: He isn't.
COLOMBIA & EDDIE: What?
LISTER: He's from some weird planet way out in space, Transatlantic or something, it was them that sent us here... I think they have it in for him.(Indicating Frank'n'furter)
Rimmer slowly wanders towards Frank'n'furter, Riffraff and the Cat whilst talking quietly to himself about being alive again. Lister explains to Eddie and Colombia the situation that brought him here.

RIMMER (to himself): To touch, to eat, to feel again..
CAT (giving up): Aww, how am I suppose to concentrate on an empty stomach, I haven't eaten in at least an hour.

Frank'n'furter is getting slightly annoyed and seems about to storm off in a huff when Riffraff speaks.

RIFFRAFF: Don't worry master, I'm sure the cameras will have it recorded somewhere.
FRANK'N'FURTER (relaxing): Yes, I forgot about that... I must study them tonight. I have much work to do. (Turning) Riffraff.
RIFFRAFF: Yes master?
FRANK'N'FURTER: See to it that invitations are delivered, tomorrow I shall hold an affair to unveil my (laughs slightly under his breath) man.
RIMMER (to Frank'n'furter): Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice your obvious genius in this matter... I was wondering if I could discuss this discovery with you, as one genius to another.

Rimmer smiles hopefully as Frank'n'furter turns to him slowly, the Cat smirks at Rimmer and grips his own stomach lightly.

FRANK'N'FURTER (look Rimmer up and down): I suppose you could be of some help, yes (he starts to walk towards the lift) come with me. (He laughs under his breath again).

Frank'n'furter and Rimmer leave in the lift, Lister, Eddie and Colombia are still talking and Riffraff turns to face the Cat who is hugging his stomach with both arms now.

CAT (sounding in pain): Hey bud, I really need some food... my stomach is killing me man.
RIFFRAFF: I'm sure the kitchen can drag something in for you.
CAT: Yeah, whatever... just get me there quick man or I'll end up as the main attraction at a worm party.
RIFFRAFF: Quite... Then follow me. (Loudly to the others) I suggest you retire to your rooms, it could be a (pauses) long night.
LISTER (to Eddie): Well man, I think I'll help you to get this fishn-et dude, you said he was working on some sort of plan.
COLOMBIA: He's always working on some sort of plan.
EDDIE: Yeah I overheard him talking before, that's why he hit me with the ice pick, he probably needed someone for this experiment too.
LISTER: Well, we'll find out tomorrow, his days are numbered.


Part IV:
========

Scene Shot: Morning time, they are all seated round a long table that is covered in silver candlesticks and the like. The Cat is now wearing his suit inside out so that it is silvery grey with black trim. Frank'n'furter is as outrageously attired as before and Riffraff is in his butler suit again. Magenta and Colombia's outfits are still on the provocative side although Colombia's has rather too many sequins too be good for the eyes. Lister seems to have slept in his clothes all night though this hasn't made his clothes any worse. Rimmer and Kryten are not present.
Magenta dishes out some sort of fried meat onto their plates with very little enthusiasm and sits down near the end of the table where Frank'n'furter is.

CAT (looking at his food): What is this.
MAGENTA: It comes from an exotic recipe.
CAT: I can't eat that, it looks like a road accident.
RIFFRAFF: We're sorry, but the local (pauses) substitutes are not up to standard.
LISTER (finishing a mouthful): Just eat it Cat, it's delicious. (Has another mouthful) I haven't tasted food like this since I gate crashed a Hoppers cafe on Mimas.
EDDIE (also eating cheerfully): Yeah, this is proper biker's food, you just can't get this sort of stuff these days.
COLOMBIA (Eating slowly): Well I suppose it's better than Meatloaf.
LISTER (finishing another mouthful): Where's that smeghead Rimmer got to anyway?
CAT: Yeah, goalpost head is usually hanging about some place.
FRANK'N'FURTER (eating delicately): He's busy helping me with my (laughs under his breath)... plans.

Lister and Eddie look at each other briefly at this and they finish their meal in silence before leaving with Colombia. The Cat sneaks off to the kitchens in search of something edible. Frank'n'furter departs after dabbing his mouth with a frilled napkin, leaving Riffraff and Magenta to deal with the table.

Scene Shot: Lister and Eddie enter the storeroom, it is still full of statues and old furniture, but Lister notices they seem virtually free of dust now. Lister walks round the statues to where Kryten is sitting amongst a pile of wires and computer circuits.

LISTER: How's it going Kryten?
KRYTEN (looking up): Oh sir, I didn't see you come in.
LISTER (running a finger across a dust free statue): Been doing a bit of spring cleaning?
KRYTEN: Well... I... erm... (quietly) yes.
LISTER: What was that Kryten?
KRYTEN (normally): Yes, I'm sorry sir, I couldn't stand seeing all this dust about. It was against my basic nature not to clean the place up. I know I should have been fixing the transmitter, but I just couldn't stop myself... I... I... I...
LISTER: It's OK Kryten, don't wear out your guilt chip.
KRYTEN: Thank you sir.
LISTER: Anyway, how's the transmitter going?
KRYTEN: Well I've removed every wire and circuit from the whole device, examined every connection, tested all the units and have finally worked out what was wrong.
LISTER: So, what was wrong?
KRYTEN: It wasn't plugged in.
LISTER: What?
KRYTEN: I know, it's so simple... I just didn't think to check it sir, everything else is fine.
LISTER: So it works? We can get Riffraff's orders and get out of here?
KRYTEN: Well not quite yet sir... I still have to put it back together.
LISTER: And how long will that take?
KRYTEN: About seven hours.
LISTER: Oh great, we're stuck in this stupid house for another seven hours!
EDDIE (walking round the statues): We still haven't found that Rimmer guy.
LISTER (turning): Yeah... hey Kryten, do you think you can find Rimmer on the monitor system?
KRYTEN: I can certainly try sir.

Kryten gets up an walks to the monitor screen which is in a corner of the storeroom, Lister and Eddie close behind. He starts fiddling with the dials below the screen until the view on the monitor flicks to show Frank'n'furter talking to someone just out of shot.

LISTER: Hey, hold it there Kryten... We want to find out what this guys up to.
EDDIE: Yeah, good idea.
KRYTEN: Ok sir, I'll leave you to it... I think I've just spotted a statue I haven't cleaned.
LISTER (looks at Kryten): Kryten?
KRYTEN: Erm, I'll have to clean it after I've finished putting the transmitter back together.

Scene Shot: On the monitor they can see a well furnished room, Frank'n'furter is standing next to a large table, on which is a map in typical world war planning style. Frank'n'furter is talking to someone just out of shot on the far side of the table. Lister recognises the unseen person's voice as Rimmers but it seems different, more like Frank'n'furters voice.

FRANK'N'FURTER: So you see, once we've converted half of Europe, nothing can stop us.
RIMMER: Yes, it's all so perfect, your plan is even better than Hitler's you should be the next fascist dictator of the year.
FRANK'N'FURTER: Ah yes, quite... but soon there will be thousands more like you and me, after tonight we'll be able to carry out my plan.
RIMMER (starting to walk into view): That'll be just (pauses) marvellous.

Just then the Cat strides into the room, he's looking well fed and strides over to Lister and Eddie who are just staring at the screen wide eyed. Rimmer can now be seen... he is dressed just like Frank'n'furter, high heels, stockings, even the makeup.

LISTER: Oh smeg.
EDDIE: Oh smeg indeed.
CAT: Hey, what's happened to goalpost head?
EDDIE: He's been converted by Frank.
LISTER: That's it we've got to stop him.
EDDIE: I must contact my uncle, Dr.Scott, he'll be able to defeat him, he's faced Frank'n'furter before.
LISTER: Well, the sooner the better man.
CAT: Yeah, goalpost head was bad enough as it was!

Later, still in the storeroom, Eddie is just finishing writing a letter. He hands it to Lister, the Cat is standing next to Lister who reads it. The letter is written rather badly in red crayon.

CAT (trying to look at the letter): What's it say, what's it say?
LISTER: Erm... well... here. (He passes the letter to Cat)
LISTER (to Eddie): You sure your uncle will come?
EDDIE: Oh yes, he's been trying to get Frank'n'furter ever since Frank escaped his concentration camp back in the War.
LISTER: Well if you're sure.
CAT: Hey this ain't bad, maybe you should add some more colours though, it looks like you bled over it.
EDDIE (ignoring Cat): Now all I have to do is send it.

Scene Shot: Lister and Eddie walk quietly toward the front door, the rest of the hallway is filled with gloom despite it still being the early afternoon.

LISTER: So you're sure you can deliver this to him?
EDDIE: Yeah, I'll just ride my bike to the bikers cafe a few miles up the road, somebody there can deliver it to him directly.
LISTER: Right, and your bike is...
EDDIE: Just outside.
LISTER (reaching the door): Well that's sorted then.

$Lister grabs the door handle and opens the door slightly when a figure steps out of the gloom of the hallway behind them, Lister and Eddie spin round when he speaks.

RIMMER: You're not trying to leave so soon, the master will not be pleased.


Part V:
=======

Scene Shot: Lister and Eddie, standing by the slightly open front door, face Rimmer in the Hallway, he is still wearing a Frank'n'furter style outfit reminiscent of his Demon self from "Demons & Angles").

LISTER: Hi there Rimmer, erm Ace... what ever made you think we were leaving?
RIMMER: Don't play games with me Listy, I've been listening to you two plotting.
LISTER: Really, I'm sure you didn't, er, take us seriously like.
RIMMER: Well the master will have to hear of this.
LISTER: You don't have to tell him do you Ace? I'm mean we're still the boys from the Dwarf right?
EDDIE (to Lister): It's no good, Frank got him fully converted to his will.
RIMMER: I think you both better...
LISTER (hopefully): Go away?
RIMMER: ...stay inside. (he glares at Lister) I'll escort you to the master myself.
LISTER: Oh forget that idea, Eddie run for it.

Eddie turns and pushes open the door, Rimmer screams at this and runs to catch up with him as Eddie goes out the door. Lister stand near the door and reaches out as Rimmer dives after Eddie. Suddenly Rimmer vanishes.

EDDIE (seeing Rimmer vanish): What happened?
LISTER (throwing the light bee from hand to hand): Let's just say he needed a bit of down time.
EDDIE (getting on his bike): Keep an eye on Frank... I'll be back.

Eddie drives off down the path as Lister closes the door and walks back toward the storeroom.

LISTER (addressing Rimmer's lightbee): And you can stay switched off. (He puts the lightbee in his pocket and smiles to himself)

Scene Shot: Frank'n'furter, Riffraff and Magenta stand about the dining table discussing plans for the master's affair.

MAGENTA: What do you plan for the meal?
FRANK'N'FURTER: I'm sure someone will turn up, now I must see to the lab... Rocky's body is ready and must be put in the tank before the guests arrive. (Turning to Riffraff) You did send out those invitations yes?
RIFFRAFF: Yes master, your guests should be arriving later this evening.
FRANK'N'FURTER: Good, good. Now where is that darling Rimmer, he should have been here by now.
RIFFRAFF: Maybe he's on the monitor master.

Frank'n'furter walks over to a nearby monitor and turns one of the dials until he gets the Hallway, he is just in time to see Eddie running out of the door and Rimmer being deactivated.

FRANK'N'FURTER (shocked): Ahh, what have they done to poor Rimmer! They must be stopped immediately.
RIFFRAFF: But master, Eddie has already left the grounds.
FRANK'N'FURTER: Then at least that cad Lister is still here, I want him captured now Riffraff.
RIFFRAFF: Of course master.
FRANK'N'FURTER: Magenta, it seems the main course for this evening has been decided.
MAGENTA: Yes master.

Riffraff and Magenta leave Frank'n'furter to mourn over the loss of Rimmer.

Scene Shot: Lister is sitting in the storeroom with Colombia, Kryten can be seen working on the transmitter behind the statues and Cat is curled up asleep nearby.

COLOMBIA: But why'd he have to go?
LISTER: He had to get Dr.Scott, we must stop Frank'n'furter from carrying out his plan.
COLOMBIA: You said he'd come back right?
LISTER: Yes, he said he'd be back... he must have lost part of his brain to want to come back here though, I know I wouldn't.

Riffraff enters the storeroom and walks over to Lister.

RIFFRAFF: You must stay here Lister, the master saw what you did to Rimmer.
LISTER: Smeg.
RIFFRAFF: Yes. (He looks at Colombia) You'd better go help Magenta take my creation to the master's lab, I'll be along shortly.
COLOMBIA: Right.

Colombia stands up and leaves the room as Riffraff walks over to Kryten.

RIFFRAFF: How goes the transmitter?
KRYTEN: I've wired it back together and it should work fine... only I appear to have some components left over, I better find out where they should go.
RIFFRAFF: You think you could get it working soon?
KRYTEN: Yes, in a couple of hours.

Riffraff nods and leave the room followed by the Cat who's just woken up and is going in search of food again.

LISTER: Hurry up then Kryten, I don't want to turn out like Rimmer.
KRYTEN: Where is Mr Rimmer anyway?
LISTER (patting his pocket): Oh, he's safe.

Scene Shot: Eddie's motorbike pulls up outside the main door, it is now rapidly approaching sunset. He rides the bike straight up the steps to smash open the doors that, to his disappointment have been left unlocked and opened as soon as he hit them. He pulls up into the lift and ascends, revving his engine as he goes.

Scene Shot: The lab, Frank'n'furter is directing Riffraff, Magenta and Colombia as they lower a mummified body into the glass tank. The lift slowly arrives.

FRANK'N'FURTER: Oh do be careful, I don't want you to bruise him.
RIFFRAFF: Of course master.

The lift door opens and Eddie rides out into the middle of the floor, skidding to a halt in front of them.

COLOMBIA: Eddie! (She tries to run to him but Magenta restrains her)
EDDIE: Ok, where's Lister?
RIFFRAFF (to Frank'n'furter): It appears the pizza-boy has returned master.
FRANK'N'FURTER: So it would seem, disturbing my work again, huh!
EDDIE: Just give me Lister and I'll leave.
FRANK'N'FURTER (walking over to a large metallic door on one wall): Very well.

Frank'n'furter presses a button on a control panel next to the metallic door which lowers to the floor like a drawbridge. Inside is shrouded in a white mist.

FRANK'N'FURTER (casually): He's in there.

Eddie rides straight into the white mist without even thinking.

COLOMBIA: No Eddie, it's a trap!

Frank'n'furter hits another button an the door to what is in fact a freezer shuts behind Eddie.

FRANK'N'FURTER: Well, that takes care of him. (To Magenta) Tonight's meal will need (pauses) defrosting somewhat.

Riffraff smirks nervously as he thinks of Lister and the others. Colombia is wailing to herself, not having heard this last statement.

MAGENTA: Yes master.

Scene Shot: Lister sits looking at the monitor, Kryten is still trying to rewire the transmitter but is currently watching the monitor with Lister. They've just seen Eddie being locked in the freezer.

LISTER: Smeg, he's got Eddie.
KRYTEN: So it would seem.
LISTER: I've got to get him out of there Kryten.
KRYTEN: I'd agree, being locked in a freezer can really jam up your circuit boards.
LISTER: Quite, and I think you better get back to work on the transmitter. I think things are getting far too dangerous round here.
KRYTEN: You'd better find the Cat then.
LISTER (looking about the room): Oh smeg, where has he wandered off to now.

Lister is about to leave the storeroom when Riffraff arrives and stops him.

RIFFRAFF: I think it'd be best if you both stayed here, the master is checking the monitors for you now that his guests are arriving for his (pauses) affair.
LISTER: Listen bud, I've just seen Eddie locked in that freezer, I have to get him out of there.
RIFFRAFF: Well I think you'll find that's difficult. You see the master has put a time lock on it.
LISTER: For how long?
RIFFRAFF: It won't open for another two hours.
LISTER: That'd kill him, I've got to break that door somehow.
RIFFRAFF: Oh I doubt it'd kill him, I've turned the temperature up in there. He should (pauses) survive.
LISTER: Ok, but I still have to find the Cat, he's out wandering somewhere.
RIFFRAFF: I will look for him, I'd better see the master's guests, they wouldn't want to be kept (pauses) waiting.

Scene Shot: The Hallway is filling with guests dressed in various ridiculous versions of dinner jackets, many of them have frilled shirts in garish colours. They are passing through to a main room as Riffraff lets them through the door. High above on the stairs stands the Cat.

CAT: Arroww, I'm feeling cool, what have I done today, let's see. I've snoozed a bit, eaten, had an afternoon nap, eaten some more and explored the Sausage dudes house. Hey, I probably deserve some more food for doing so much.

Cat looks over the banister to the people passing below who are totally oblivious to him.

CAT (shocked): Argh, what are those monkey's wearing. Urgh, I think I'm going to be sick, those shirts... yerck... I gotta get out of here, but first I need a snooze.

The Cat wanders back to the storeroom and enters there looking for a place to sleep.

LISTER: Cat, you came back.
CAT: Yeah, now keep it quiet... My eyes have just been tortured and they need some rest.
LISTER: Well Ok Cat. Ah least we're together. (To Kryten) All we need now is for you to fix that transmitter and we can get out of here.
KRYTEN: I'm trying my best sir, it should be finished within the hour.
LISTER: Well hurry up Kryten, we gotta get out of this place.
CAT: Yeah, like before those clothes sap my will to live.

Scene Shot: Frank'n'furter is standing in his planning room looking at a monitor screen and fiddling rapidly with the controls.

FRANK'N'FURTER (to himself): Where is that damn Lister, I can't have him running about my house, he'll ruin my affair.

Frank'n'furter finally stops flicking through the images and starts pacing the room.

FRANK'N'FURTER (to himself again): He isn't on any of the monitors... either he's left the house or... (He stops and smiles widely) He's in the storeroom.


Part VI:
========

Scene Shot: Frank'n'furter strides down the corridor towards the storeroom, in which Lister, Cat and Kryten are now trying to hide behind the statues having seen Frank'n'furter on the monitor screen. Riffraff notices Frank'n'furter heading towards them and intercedes.

RIFFRAFF: Master, all the guests are assembled.
FRANK'N'FURTER: Good. Oh, I believe I know where that Lister is hiding out.
RIFFRAFF: You do? (Sounding cautious) Where would this be master?
FRANK'N'FURTER: In the storeroom, it is the only place which isn't covered by the monitors.
RIFFRAFF: I'll check there immediately then master.
FRANK'N'FURTER: I think I'd better check there myself, I don't want him (pauses) getting away.

Suddenly an image on a nearby monitor catches Frank'n'furter's eye, he turns to look at the monitor. It shows a car that has just broken down, a young couple are just getting out, despite the rain, and start heading toward the house.

FRANK'N'FURTER: Well, well. It appears we shall have some more visitors arriving for tonight's affair.
RIFFRAFF (seeing an opportunity): Would they be just right for your floor show master?
FRANK'N'FURTER (forgetting about Lister): Yes you're right, I should see to the arrangements.
RIFFRAFF: Indeed master.
FRANK'N'FURTER: You'd better be ready to let them in, I don't want them to soak to death.
RIFFRAFF: I will be waiting master.

Frank'n'furter heads off toward his lab, having forgotten about Lister being in the storeroom. Riffraff heads toward the storeroom himself.

Scene shot: Kryten is tightening up the bolts on the back of the transmitter, Lister is pacing back and forth impatiently and the Cat is asleep again. Riffraff enters the room, closing the door behind him.

LISTER (stopping his pacing): Finally you've got here, thanks for distracting Frank back there.
RIFFRAFF: It's OK, is the transmitter ready yet Kryten?
KRYTEN: Yes, I have it fitted together now sir.
RIFFRAFF (walking over to the transmitter): Finally, then let me request my orders.

Riffraff throws a few switches on the transmitter which totally fails to work.Lister looks sternly at Kryten who, having just remembered, walks over to the wall and plugs the transmitter in. Finally the transmitter starts up with a humming noise.

RIFFRAFF (into a microphone): Riffraff calling Transsexual, come in Transsexual.

He waits for a few seconds then the voice Lister recognises as the official that met them on the planet replys via the transmitter.

OFFICIAL1: Finally Riffraff, we have been awaiting your contact.
RIFFRAFF: Well I've had some (pauses) technical difficulties.
OFFICIAL1: Is everything under control there? RIFFRAFF: Not as such, Frank'n'furter has taken over my life experiment and has plans to take over this world himself.
OFFICIAL1: Very well, you should await further instructions.
RIFFRAFF: What shall I do with the messengers? OFFICIAL1: Have them stand near the transmitter, we will beam them back directly.

Lister, hearing this, wakes up the Cat and brings him over to the transmitter where Kryten is already standing. Riffraff stands back from the transmitter and indicates that Lister should talk into the microphone.

LISTER (to Riffraff): Hey, see ya Riffraff. I hope you get things sorted back here on Earth, it's a pity we have to leave.
RIFFRAFF: Yes, I'm sure everything will be just (pauses) fine.
LISTER (whispers to Kryten): I've always wanted to do this. (To microphone) Three to beam up. (He laughs to himself)

Then only Riffraff is left in the room, he walks up to the transmitter again.

RIFFRAFF: You have them?
OFFICIAL1: Yes, we shall contact you again in seven hours.
RIFFRAFF: Good.

He turns and leaves the storeroom, meeting Frank'n'furter just outside.

RIFFRAFF (slightly surprised): Ah master, I didn't see you there.
FRANK'N'FURTER: No, so it seems. Where is Lister and that Cat creature?
RIFFRAFF: They seem to have left master, I was just checking the storeroom like you said and they have obviously left.
FRANK'N'FURTER: Oh well, I suppose I'll have to make do with that young couple who are entering the gardens at the moment.
RIFFRAFF: I'll see to them immediately master.
FRANK'N'FURTER: You do that... maybe they've brought you some candy. (He laughs under his breath as he walks away).
RIFFRAFF (quietly): Yes master.

Scene Shot: The darkened metallic room where they were first sent to Earth from, the officials stand near the controls and one is holding a microphone. Lister, Kryten and the Cat appear two foot above the centre of the room and fall to the floor. The official talks briefly into the microphone before putting in down and walking over to them as they stand up.

OFFICIAL1: So you managed to deliver the message finally.
LISTER: Yeah, no thanks to you guys.
CAT: You creased my suit again, I'll get you this time.

Cat dives for the official but Kryten restrains him, and struggles to get free.

CAT: Let me at him, he's ruined the line of my suit.
KRYTEN: I'm afraid that wouldn't be wise.
OFFICIAL2: Besides, we still have the lazer guns. (He pats the gun on his belt to emphasise this point).

The Cat stops struggling and shrugs slightly so Kryten lets him go.

KRYTEN: But technically those are not lazer guns, you see...

LISTER (nudging Kryten): OK, not now Kryten.
KRYTEN: Sorry sir.
OFFICIAL1: Anyway, you did deliver the message as we asked so we will fix your ship for you.
LISTER: And the supplies?
OFFICIAL1: Yes, we will also see that you get ample supplies.
OFFICIAL2: What happened to the hologram Rimmer?
LISTER (Taken the lightbee out of his pocket): He had to shut down for a bit.
OFFICIAL2: Then you may depart shortly.


EPILOGUE:
=========

Scene Shot: Starbug takes off from the planet and flyís back into space. Inside the main area Lister and the Cat stand near the middle of the room as Kryten walks in from the cockpit. It all slightly change, slightly more modern in appearance and, for a change, tidy.

LISTER (to Kryten): So you've got it set up to restore Rimmer then?
KRYTEN: Yes, I have managed to restore his personality and memories from the ship's black box, he should be just as he was before we landed on the planet.
LISTER: Right then. (He picks up Rimmer's lightbee)
CAT: I don't see why you have to bring back goalpost head anyway?
LISTER: Not now Cat.

Lister pushes a switch on the lightbee and Rimmer reappears, exactly as he was before Frank'n'furter converted him. He looks about briefly and tries to remember something.

KRYTEN: Welcome back, Mr Rimmer sir. How are you feeling?
RIMMER (turns to Kryten): How dare you turn me off you goit, I'll have to add that to my report. Turning off a senior's hologram is a serious offence. Now where's Holly?
CAT: We should have left him turned off, buds.
LISTER: Rimmer, Red Dwarf has been stolen. Holly's gone.
RIMMER (spins round to Lister): What? Stolen, by who?
LISTER: We don't know, Kryten has been tracking Red Dwarf's route and he says we can catch up with them, so we we'll find out soon enough.
KRYTEN: That's not exactly true sir.
LISTER: What do you mean Kryten?
KRYTEN: Well, if my calculations are correct, it will take us slightly over two hundred years to catch up.
LISTER, RIMMER and CAT: What?!
KRYTEN: May I suggest you and Cat use the stasis booths that were fitted and I'll wake you when we get close sir.

Rimmer's face brightens up as a thought hits him.

LISTER: OK, I suppose that's best Kryten.
RIMMER: Aliens, it must be aliens.

Rimmer's image instantly disappears and Lister is left holding Rimmer's lightbee again.

LISTER: We're not starting that again!


CYBER BATíS MESSAGE
Mmmm I will have to whatch that movie/play one day
By the way...the picture is not of a rocky horrow person..but I was too lazy to bother finding one..it is from BACK TO REALITY
<..>


Email: cyber_bat@hotmail.com